One Day I'll Say No

[keekee107]

I found myself in the same place last night.
The rain was half pouring and the sun was half shining
and somehow the moon lay a quarter in the distance.

I remember standing on the hills last week,
watching my sun glasses steam in the paradox,
as my head nodded and my mouth said yes.

[Old Poet]

The first stanza works for me. The abstraction nicely encapsulated in a brief tercet. But then the second stanza seems completely divorced from the first and even more abstract. Perhaps the insertion of a second stanza tying the two would help.

[David]

I like the way you play with the halves and the quarters to give a sense of alienation (I hope that's what I'm supposed to be getting).

The use of "paradox" in the second stanza seemed to give it a sort of scifi sheen. Couldn't really follow what was going on there, but as my head nodded and my mouth said yes increased the distancing effect, as though you were trying to dissociate yourself from what you were saying.

Cheers

David

[sneaker]

Hi KeeKee,

I found myself in the same place last night.
The rain was half pouring and the sun was half shining
and somehow the moon lay a quarter in the distance.

I remember standing on the hills last week,
watching my sun glasses steam in the paradox,
as my head nodded and my mouth said yes.

I enjoyed this, as someone who finds it hard to say no I understand what you,re saying, though the steaming sunglasses in the paradox made my head spin a bit. Not quite sure I get that, a bit abstract. I love the last line though.
Sneaker

[dl04]

Keekee, i like how your work has become more abstract with every piece. I loved the contrasts in the 'half pouring', 'half-shining'. It creates a feeling of indecision and frustration about your ability to say no, which is supports the fundamental idea of the poem.

I thought the word 'paradox' kinda broke the rythm, as i feel the word is a bit clunky and it doesnt really work for me. I like the simplicity of the last line though, and it still is quite resonate.

Like this poem, a nice bit of self-reflection Keekee