Flawless skin,fearless and fragile.
You hold tight to the strings,
laughter in your eyes reflecting,
his wide indulgent smile.
The kite strings bite, small fingers
pulled up, coloured cloth
dances higher and wilder now.
Daddy guides your hands.
He won't let it fall.
Walking home, balancing on low
walls that build higher, you
hold tight, my hands pulled up,
until I can't reach, but
I won't let you fall.
Today ballet shoes and ribbons,
tomorrow high heels and pierced ears.
You'll shake your head laughing,
the coloured beads dancing at
yours ears like kite tails.
Kites
Hi Sneaker,
A very nice, gentle poem.
I like the shift from father not letting the kite fall to mother not letting the child fall and the comparison alluded to.
Minor typo last stanza. last line - your ears.
Thanks for sharing the poem.
Cheers
smiffey
A very nice, gentle poem.
I like the shift from father not letting the kite fall to mother not letting the child fall and the comparison alluded to.
Minor typo last stanza. last line - your ears.
Thanks for sharing the poem.
Cheers
smiffey
Regards Andy Smith
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Kilravluis
- Productive Poster
- Posts: 70
- Joined: Thu Jul 12, 2007 7:04 pm
I like the way you've linked childhood and adulthood with the coloured beads/kite tail image. It's very effective and makes for a strong ending.
Kiljoyluis
Kiljoyluis
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kozmikdave
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 2185
- Joined: Sun Jun 25, 2006 9:36 am
- Location: Brisbane, Australia
Gidday
I liked this too. At first I wasn't too fussed about the present tense, but it worked pretty well by the end.
Good job
I liked this too. At first I wasn't too fussed about the present tense, but it worked pretty well by the end.
Good job
Cheers
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]
Very effective write. Moved by the way you linked chilhood with the kite's flight. 
.
Nice work, sneaker. So nice, in fact, that I hope you won't mind if I give you a few pointers. Striving, always striving, that's how to improve, so ...
Flawless skin,fearless and fragile. This is not a sentence, but it's a lovely line.
You hold tight to the strings,
laughter in your eyes reflecting, "laughter in your eyes" is a little cliched, and do you want a comma here?
his wide indulgent smile.
The kite strings bite, small fingers
pulled up, coloured cloth
dances higher and wilder now. These three lines are a bit jumpy, maybe? But maybe that's appropriate in the context.
Daddy guides your hands.
He won't let it fall.
Walking home, balancing on low
walls that build higher, you
hold tight, my hands pulled up,
until I can't reach, but
I won't let you fall. Very nice, but if you had another stanza here it would match the opening section.
Today ballet shoes and ribbons,
tomorrow high heels and pierced ears.
You'll shake your head laughing,
the coloured beads dancing at
yours ears like kite tails. OK, I just love this stanza.
Really good work, but it can always get better. Almost always get better.
Cheers
David
Flawless skin,fearless and fragile. This is not a sentence, but it's a lovely line.
You hold tight to the strings,
laughter in your eyes reflecting, "laughter in your eyes" is a little cliched, and do you want a comma here?
his wide indulgent smile.
The kite strings bite, small fingers
pulled up, coloured cloth
dances higher and wilder now. These three lines are a bit jumpy, maybe? But maybe that's appropriate in the context.
Daddy guides your hands.
He won't let it fall.
Walking home, balancing on low
walls that build higher, you
hold tight, my hands pulled up,
until I can't reach, but
I won't let you fall. Very nice, but if you had another stanza here it would match the opening section.
Today ballet shoes and ribbons,
tomorrow high heels and pierced ears.
You'll shake your head laughing,
the coloured beads dancing at
yours ears like kite tails. OK, I just love this stanza.
Really good work, but it can always get better. Almost always get better.
Cheers
David
Hello Sneaker
I really enjoyed the tone and sincerity of this poem. There are a number of things in life that are beyond the mechanics of their happening. The embodiment of sentiment and emotion shine through your writing here. The comma use in s1, I could take or leave as the line breaks already create enough halt to each transition, but then I might not be the best person to listen to regarding comma usage
I am not too sure about some of the line breaks in s3 as I find them a little intrusive rather than simply passing by without notice. This is obviously only my personal feeling and is in no way a criticism of the way you have decided to format the poem.
S4 closes very nicely and imparts enough resolution to finish with a fulfilling end.
Lovely read
Danté
I really enjoyed the tone and sincerity of this poem. There are a number of things in life that are beyond the mechanics of their happening. The embodiment of sentiment and emotion shine through your writing here. The comma use in s1, I could take or leave as the line breaks already create enough halt to each transition, but then I might not be the best person to listen to regarding comma usage
I am not too sure about some of the line breaks in s3 as I find them a little intrusive rather than simply passing by without notice. This is obviously only my personal feeling and is in no way a criticism of the way you have decided to format the poem.
S4 closes very nicely and imparts enough resolution to finish with a fulfilling end.
Lovely read
Danté
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch
Thankyou everone for your comments & suggestions, very much appreciated. Thanks especially to David, & no I don't mind pointers in the least, that is what I'm here for. I am new to this but I'm serious about learning the craft and improving so please any help is gratefully received.That missing stanza was so obvious once you'd pointed it out!
I'm not sure if this is the right place to put the revision but here it is for you approval or otherwise...
Kites (revised)
Flawless skin,fearless and fragile,
you hold tight to the strings.
The sky in your eyes reflecting
his wide indulgent smile.
The kite strings bite, small fingers
pulled up, coloured cloth
dances higher and wilder now.
Daddy guides your hands.
He won't let it fall.
Time to pack, you fidget and fret,
plucking my sleeve with anxious tugs.
Skipping ahead of us, we call
"not too far, come back"
Walking home, balancing on low
walls that build higher, you
hold tight, my hands pulled up,
until I can't reach, but
I won't let you fall.
Today ballet shoes and ribbons
Tomorrow high heels and pierced ears.
You'll shake your head laughing,
the coloured beads dancing at
your ears like kite tails.
I'm not sure if this is the right place to put the revision but here it is for you approval or otherwise...
Kites (revised)
Flawless skin,fearless and fragile,
you hold tight to the strings.
The sky in your eyes reflecting
his wide indulgent smile.
The kite strings bite, small fingers
pulled up, coloured cloth
dances higher and wilder now.
Daddy guides your hands.
He won't let it fall.
Time to pack, you fidget and fret,
plucking my sleeve with anxious tugs.
Skipping ahead of us, we call
"not too far, come back"
Walking home, balancing on low
walls that build higher, you
hold tight, my hands pulled up,
until I can't reach, but
I won't let you fall.
Today ballet shoes and ribbons
Tomorrow high heels and pierced ears.
You'll shake your head laughing,
the coloured beads dancing at
your ears like kite tails.
"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need. " M.Jagger
Well, Sneaker, I can see that your poem has been thoroughly vetted by the resident critics and so there's little I can add except to say that I liked "Kites" a lot. I must thank you for writing and posting it for in the reading images of flying a kite with my six year old daughter came flooding out of the well of this old man's memory. Merci, mon ami.
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the stranger
- Prolific Poster
- Posts: 324
- Joined: Thu Aug 19, 2004 4:40 am
I admire your control of the metaphor, how you guide it through, loverly.
I would say:
laughter in your eyes reflecting,
his wide indulgent smile.
Is a bit near the sickly knuckle? and it doesnt really make sense. I only mention this because the poem is obviously steeped in sentimentality (in a good way) but for me those lines jault a little.
great read though, I like your style.
TS
I would say:
laughter in your eyes reflecting,
his wide indulgent smile.
Is a bit near the sickly knuckle? and it doesnt really make sense. I only mention this because the poem is obviously steeped in sentimentality (in a good way) but for me those lines jault a little.
great read though, I like your style.
TS