Silver Rose

[dl04]

We heard her loud
her voice vaulting through the halls
and back out on the street
past the place she lived.

Every note was permanent
it never rang out,
yet it was shattered
with tears in every pause.

Resounding but rusty,
she left an impression
like a silver rose.

[keekee107]

I like the feel of this. It's very nice. The imagery throughout is lovely - created by the alliteration and use of strong verbs (particularly loved the use of 'shattered').

The only slight criticism I'd have is that I felt it was building up to something and it kind of fell flat a little for me. That may be because I don't truly understand the significance you meant by the 'Silver rose'. Something unattainable and mystically beautiful perhaps - like the famous mythical blue rose? I'm not sure.

A nice poem with a good atmosphere/feel though .

[Babbit]

I like the half rhyme of 'vaulting' and 'halls' , contrasting nicely with the final line of that stanza, which brings it neatly to a close. Possibly needing punctuation between 'every note was permanent' and 'it never rang out' - and I'm not convinced that the last line works in this, perhaps 'pain in every pause', to repeat the prior alliteration which works so well in my mind.
The line 'resounding but rusty' is lovely, almost ironic as silver does not rust.
I enjoyed this poem - I agree with the previous post that I would have liked a stronger ending, but I love the imagery of a silver rose. Beautiful.

[Old Poet]

First, I'm put off by the lack of any punctuation. Punctuation is very important in that it is the main means of controlling the ebb and flow of a poem.

Second, how does a voice vault?

The second stanza makes no sense at all. The notes were permanent but never rang out? Really? "Yet it.." It?

"shattered with tears.." shatters all grammatical rules. and "...at every pause" makes no sense.

I have no idea what a "silver rose" is but I can tell you this. This is a case of a "poet" choosing words that he believes to be poetic, stringing them together, and calling the result a poem. It's not.

[dogofdiogenes]

I don't entirely agree with OP's verdict, but I was pretty confused by this. I'm not aware of any particular connotation of silver rose-other than something which my old nan used to own-is there some terrible grief going on here? Got a feeling of loss, but not much else.

However, the thing with punctuation doesn't bother me in the same way...

all the best

doggofthedungeon

[camus]

I think Old P was a little harsh there.

Q. how does a voice vault? A. By personification, to me that conjours a wild/desperate image. I liked it.

As for the rest, a little clunky in places:

and back out on the street is just goddam lazy.

The second stanza takes a little sussing, but I think I get your reasoning. Mind you the permanent, does kinda contradict the pause?

A Silver Rose - A harsh metallic beauty?

cheers
K

[twoleftfeet]

I'm thinking that maybe "silver rose" is a contraction of "silver thorn and bloody rose".
As for "vaults" , well a voice echoes in a vault-like building, and I guess creates the idea of covering distance extremely quickly: so I like it!

Silver doesn't rust of course - but all the images seem to be a tad paradoxical, so let's assume the poet intended it ;
the same goes for "shattered with tears".

I think the poem could be less enigmatic - but what the hell..

Geoff

[Elphin]

dl

I for one like the vaulting through the halls - it works as a way of describing the bigness of the sound.

Overall though I think you are falling into the trap of saying too little and therefore leaving an impression of what was that about? S2 in particular - permanent but never rang out??

The silver rose - I think you need to help the reader understand why?

I think you should have a go at beefing it up - really workshop this and move it up it a gear.

elphin