Just Two Lads on a Swing

[dl04]

Rain-beaten Wednesday,
after dinner
patrolling to the park
embracing teenage sadness.

Those kids never enjoy themselves
like we do.
The swings are for swinging
the silence is for Bogies

Every photo is a reminder
of our childhood resurgence.
Just two lads on a swing
laughing adulthood
further away.

[Elphin]

dl

Things are a bit quiet right around here right now - no reflection on your poem that its taken some time to get a crit. I am reading this as a teenage narrator commenting on two younger lads on a swing.

I like two lads on a swing as a title and line - there is something colloquial and descriptive to draw the reader in. The idea of laughing adulthood away is neatly ambiguous - laughing their own adulthood away and laughing adults away.

My main crit on the poem is similar to what I may have said before - most people need to cut their poems down in length. I think you need to expand. Show the teenage sadness in an image for example. I think generally a few more concrete images would help

elphin

[beautifulloser]

Hey DL

I agree with Elphin, Ithink you've got something here but I feel a bit shut out. I'm not sure what the context is, but I'm drawn into the piece. Some positives there to work on, and a wonderful concise crit from Elph. Perfect articulation of what's good in this and how it might be improved.

Cheers

me
xxxxx