She never caught the fire-flies, just chased them.
Their momentary glows lead her in general directions.
She didn’t like glass jars, nor their implications.
She never understood the need for paints.
Her fingernails remained a placid nude.
They were often dirty, she kept a tooth-pick.
She never closed her eyes when he would kiss her.
She glared instead at his distorted face,
which was so pretty when not viewed from this distance.
She never got used to everyday vulnerability.
I think she still takes baths with all her clothes on
except the shoes, she feels safe enough without those.
These are the things I noticed, and will remember.
.tg.
When viewed from a distance.
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camus
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I enjoyed this TG.
The description seems to be of a person who will not allow the world around her to infiltrate her being, carries on regardless, selfless and perhaps unaware, an idiot almost.
"Where the people of his day have created a world which cannot accomodate the goodness of this idiot"
The Idiot - Dostoevsky
Thats how I read into it anyway.
Nice one.
The description seems to be of a person who will not allow the world around her to infiltrate her being, carries on regardless, selfless and perhaps unaware, an idiot almost.
"Where the people of his day have created a world which cannot accomodate the goodness of this idiot"
The Idiot - Dostoevsky
Thats how I read into it anyway.
Nice one.
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk
I have, but not in open forum. I thought it was well-written and a return to form. Every line seemed to have been given a lot of attention.
I have the advantage in this case, knowing the "real-life" person. This will become clearer in a second but for now I point to this line, this very peculiar line:
"which was so pretty when not viewed from this distance."
As a "tg" line, it is worded awkwardly. But as a real-life Sarah line, it is exactly like something she would say. So I'm really confused by it. I like that it is not cleaned up.
A "tg" line is something more like:
"She didn’t like glass jars, nor their implications"
This is Sarah hiding her clever self and/or creating a seperate voice, I have yet to figure out which. She'd never use the word "nor" in conversation (who would?), though she might have that type of insight, it would be a little less polished.
I know we all clean up our every-day language for poetry (that's the entire point of the craft for some), but I believe in this case it's something unique. Sarah ceases to sound like herself (sometimes), but she is still writing about things she is intimately familiar with ...
I don't have a conclusion, just an observation.
- Caleb
I have the advantage in this case, knowing the "real-life" person. This will become clearer in a second but for now I point to this line, this very peculiar line:
"which was so pretty when not viewed from this distance."
As a "tg" line, it is worded awkwardly. But as a real-life Sarah line, it is exactly like something she would say. So I'm really confused by it. I like that it is not cleaned up.
A "tg" line is something more like:
"She didn’t like glass jars, nor their implications"
This is Sarah hiding her clever self and/or creating a seperate voice, I have yet to figure out which. She'd never use the word "nor" in conversation (who would?), though she might have that type of insight, it would be a little less polished.
I know we all clean up our every-day language for poetry (that's the entire point of the craft for some), but I believe in this case it's something unique. Sarah ceases to sound like herself (sometimes), but she is still writing about things she is intimately familiar with ...
I don't have a conclusion, just an observation.
- Caleb
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camus
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Sorry i was drunk!
As I was when I wrote Heroin, which is shite.
This post is null and void.
As I was when I wrote Heroin, which is shite.
This post is null and void.
Last edited by camus on Wed Jul 20, 2005 4:57 pm, edited 2 times in total.
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk
I think. The little rant was just about the general tone, not meant to delve into your inner conciousness or something.
It's either about
- you, because many of those actions of "she" are things you do or have done. Or your twin, for the same reasons.
- a stalker, who watches and remembers (thus explaining who the "I" is, also adding dimension to that claustrophobia-jar thing happening, as well as the wearing clothes in the bath tub.)
- or, what camus said (which was my initial response - that the poem was about security)
Those are my best shots. Enlightenment please.
- Caleb
It's either about
- you, because many of those actions of "she" are things you do or have done. Or your twin, for the same reasons.
- a stalker, who watches and remembers (thus explaining who the "I" is, also adding dimension to that claustrophobia-jar thing happening, as well as the wearing clothes in the bath tub.)
- or, what camus said (which was my initial response - that the poem was about security)
Those are my best shots. Enlightenment please.
- Caleb
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OrlandoGardener
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This is as much question as critique, but why the use of center justification? Is this your habitual form, or is there some aspect of the piece you are drawing out.
To me it makes the poem feel silly and amateurish, whereas the character herself is not silly at all. As far as I know the only successful poet to use center justification is Shel Silverstien (sp?) in Where the Sidewalk Ends, which is very silly (but also a little dark and creepy if you think too much about it when high).
As far as content, the girl can be intriguing. The chasing of fireflies with disdain for the jar is a very free spirited thing to do, yet she is so untrusting and afraid (or something) that she bathes with her clothes on. That’s quite a contrast; she doesn’t want to put the bugs in a “prison” of a jar, but she keeps herself in a “prison” of clothes, it sounds like. There might be more you could do with that.
And, by the way, I’m new. Hi. Nice to meet you all.
To me it makes the poem feel silly and amateurish, whereas the character herself is not silly at all. As far as I know the only successful poet to use center justification is Shel Silverstien (sp?) in Where the Sidewalk Ends, which is very silly (but also a little dark and creepy if you think too much about it when high).
As far as content, the girl can be intriguing. The chasing of fireflies with disdain for the jar is a very free spirited thing to do, yet she is so untrusting and afraid (or something) that she bathes with her clothes on. That’s quite a contrast; she doesn’t want to put the bugs in a “prison” of a jar, but she keeps herself in a “prison” of clothes, it sounds like. There might be more you could do with that.
And, by the way, I’m new. Hi. Nice to meet you all.
Well, hello there Orlando. Welcome to our corner of the internet. You might be reading through and thinking "Hmp. These people aren't very friendly..." However, I feel it is only fair to tell you that those who are acting like brats do no usualy do so. I'm sure you will face nothing but posotive and constructive critism at this site.
To answer your question: The aligning of my poem from the center was just to draw attention to the structure, nothing more. It is not my usual style and if it is coming off as juevenille I should consider changing it; I wasn't aiming for that.
Interesting though, isn't it? How one person can feel so free and still be so trapped? I never did quite get it myself. Then, it usually takes years to understand why it is one does what they do. Or maybe I am simply an "idiot" as Camus said.
thanks for commenting, very much appreciated.
.tg.
(Sarah)
To answer your question: The aligning of my poem from the center was just to draw attention to the structure, nothing more. It is not my usual style and if it is coming off as juevenille I should consider changing it; I wasn't aiming for that.
Interesting though, isn't it? How one person can feel so free and still be so trapped? I never did quite get it myself. Then, it usually takes years to understand why it is one does what they do. Or maybe I am simply an "idiot" as Camus said.
thanks for commenting, very much appreciated.
.tg.
(Sarah)
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OrlandoGardener
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Wow. My advise was taken on my first post. Shouldn't there be some time period in which I am ridiculed and mocked and told to bring beer: "Bring me a beer, newbie, and shut the fuck up about justification. I'll beat you in the center and be justified in doing it, too." I guess I'm a little awkward about such a positive reception. 
Oh, don't wory about hurting my feelings or being to harsh with me; I'm a friend of Bombingdale's.that girl wrote:I'm sure you will face nothing but posotive and constructive critism at this site.
Ah. Well, it did make the stanzas more obvious. But I still like this better.lthat girl wrote: To answer your question: The aligning of my poem from the center was just to draw attention to the structure, nothing more.
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Bombadil
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Bombingdale?
"Bring me a beer, newbie, and shut the fuck up about justification. I'll beat you in the center and be justified in doing it, too."
I'll settle for a nice Cabernet.
Fetch forum bitch, fetch.
(kidding kidding)
Excellent sense of humor, man.
"Bring me a beer, newbie, and shut the fuck up about justification. I'll beat you in the center and be justified in doing it, too."
I'll settle for a nice Cabernet.
Fetch forum bitch, fetch.
(kidding kidding)
Excellent sense of humor, man.
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OrlandoGardener
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Good detective work, sir. Um, sir? I don't have any of that other stuff you were asking for, and I won't get paid untill the 30th, but I do have some Black Muscat Blush. Would you like that in a panda shot glass, sir?
BTW, do I talk so much about Tad that you recognize his characters names on sight or did you do some research? I'm guessing research, since your posts were half an hour apart.
BTW, do I talk so much about Tad that you recognize his characters names on sight or did you do some research? I'm guessing research, since your posts were half an hour apart.