I've had writers block for months so be gentle >__<
Can I love you any more
than I do right now?
I fail to brandish
my sharp cynicism
when you press
your cheek to mine.
There is danger here
loving so deeply.
With everyday I worry
you complete me,
and what I’ll do
If I ever find you gone.
I’ve never loved before
Does it hurt?
What if I mess up?
There isn’t a rulebook
for this sort of thing,
you know.
All I know is that
you let me press my cold feet
against your warmth.
I pull my body close to you
until I can’t feel solitude.
For a moment
It's paradise.
Naive Love Poem
Last edited by Milu on Sat Jul 26, 2008 4:26 am, edited 6 times in total.
"As a general rule, people, even the wicked, are much more naïve and simple hearted then we may suppose. And we ourselves are, too."
[center]~Dostoevsky[/center]
[center]~Dostoevsky[/center]
Cool write, Milu.Very easy read, thoughts expressed with clarity.
Enjoyed.
Enjoyed.
Hi Milu
Some nice lines here.
“I fail to brandish
my sharp cynicism
When you press
your cheek to mine.”
Some of the other lines have a lot of familiarity about them, as they do get over used in poetry that depicts this kind of subject. I get the feeling that you will be posting some sharper work, when inspiration comes knocking at your door (a good muse, worth its weight in gold
). I am not too sure what is going on with the use of capitals at the beginning of some lines. I also think that you could strengthen the ending as there is a lot of reading before the reader arrives at…….
“For a moment
That’s paradise”
Personally I would want a little more after such a journey, but maybe I am too greedy
We all, as I am sure you know, see many things in a variety of ways. My comments are not saying your poem is not good. Just simply, in my opinion it could be better.
I look forward to reading more of your work.
Kind regards
Danté
Some nice lines here.
“I fail to brandish
my sharp cynicism
When you press
your cheek to mine.”
Some of the other lines have a lot of familiarity about them, as they do get over used in poetry that depicts this kind of subject. I get the feeling that you will be posting some sharper work, when inspiration comes knocking at your door (a good muse, worth its weight in gold
). I am not too sure what is going on with the use of capitals at the beginning of some lines. I also think that you could strengthen the ending as there is a lot of reading before the reader arrives at…….“For a moment
That’s paradise”
Personally I would want a little more after such a journey, but maybe I am too greedy
We all, as I am sure you know, see many things in a variety of ways. My comments are not saying your poem is not good. Just simply, in my opinion it could be better.
I look forward to reading more of your work.
Kind regards
Danté
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch
This sounds like a moment - or a series of moments, a passage of time - that you're holding in your hands, very carefully, terrified that you're going to break it.
Why do we always assume that we're going to break it? It doesn't always happen, Milu. Let's hope it doesn't here.
I'm either excessively formal or some sort of obsessive compulsive, but I'd be happier if the last stanza was six lines as well. Is that rather sad of me? I suspect so.
A gentle little thing, this. Not startling or original in any way, but honest, right and true, and for those reasons I like it.
Cheers
David
Why do we always assume that we're going to break it? It doesn't always happen, Milu. Let's hope it doesn't here.
I'm either excessively formal or some sort of obsessive compulsive, but I'd be happier if the last stanza was six lines as well. Is that rather sad of me? I suspect so.
A gentle little thing, this. Not startling or original in any way, but honest, right and true, and for those reasons I like it.
Cheers
David
Hi Milu,
I think a really good love poem has got to be one of the hardest thing to write, it can so easily be overly sentimental and even nauseating to the person who doesn't know your one true love like you do. Happily that's not the case here, it's a heartfelt write, simply expressing true feeling. Very effective.
I have to admit though I don't much like;
What if I mess up?
There isn’t a rulebook
for this sort of thing,
you know.
It feels a bit clumsy.
Lucky muse though to have inspired a poem like that.
thanks,
Sneaker
I think a really good love poem has got to be one of the hardest thing to write, it can so easily be overly sentimental and even nauseating to the person who doesn't know your one true love like you do. Happily that's not the case here, it's a heartfelt write, simply expressing true feeling. Very effective.
I have to admit though I don't much like;
What if I mess up?
There isn’t a rulebook
for this sort of thing,
you know.
It feels a bit clumsy.
Lucky muse though to have inspired a poem like that.
thanks,
Sneaker
"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need. " M.Jagger
Thaks everyone for their helpful coments ^____^
Yeah, it's hard to tell when you're writing a love poem, if it will cause people to lose their lunch, but I'm glad it isn't the case here.
Yeah, it's hard to tell when you're writing a love poem, if it will cause people to lose their lunch, but I'm glad it isn't the case here.
"As a general rule, people, even the wicked, are much more naïve and simple hearted then we may suppose. And we ourselves are, too."
[center]~Dostoevsky[/center]
[center]~Dostoevsky[/center]