When in the night I weep,
I love you.
When day is long for me,
I miss you.
Brought by my tears
You were gentle,
and yet
So wonderfully cautious.
Sadness is the color that
Covers
My devastation.
I’m rich with brilliants
Of longings.
I treasure every word.
And, over
I go with bells of
My devotion.
(untitled)
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zkhestanova
- Posts: 30
- Joined: Sat Aug 09, 2008 8:50 pm
"I move in strange tropics and deal in high explosives, embalming fluid, jasper, myrrh, smaragd, fluted snot, and porcupines' toes." Henry Miller (Third or Fourth Day of Spring)
Lovely gentle read with some really pleasurable lines and word choice.
My only little sticking piont is S3 and that is only subjective and quite likely only my interpretation.
"Brought by my tears
You were gentle,
and yet
So wonderfully cautious."
I think that "you were gentle and yet So woderfully" does to my mind not sit as well with "cautious" and have the same sharp clarity as the rest of the poem. I don´t feel quite enough contrast between gentle and cautious for the "yet" but as I say it most likely is me. Or it could be; you wanted that point to be picked up and pondered in readiness to conclude with prescision.
Nothing quite like an untitled poem to arouse the curriosity.
Danté
My only little sticking piont is S3 and that is only subjective and quite likely only my interpretation.
"Brought by my tears
You were gentle,
and yet
So wonderfully cautious."
I think that "you were gentle and yet So woderfully" does to my mind not sit as well with "cautious" and have the same sharp clarity as the rest of the poem. I don´t feel quite enough contrast between gentle and cautious for the "yet" but as I say it most likely is me. Or it could be; you wanted that point to be picked up and pondered in readiness to conclude with prescision.
Nothing quite like an untitled poem to arouse the curriosity.
Danté
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch
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zkhestanova
- Posts: 30
- Joined: Sat Aug 09, 2008 8:50 pm
Thank you very much Danté. That helps a lot. zalina, x
Ps. what are the 'MSN [Bot]' and 'Yahoo [Bot]' that browse the forum?
Ps. what are the 'MSN [Bot]' and 'Yahoo [Bot]' that browse the forum?
"I move in strange tropics and deal in high explosives, embalming fluid, jasper, myrrh, smaragd, fluted snot, and porcupines' toes." Henry Miller (Third or Fourth Day of Spring)
Hi Zk, can I call you Zk?
Some good stuff in here. Clean easy read, with clear imagery on the whole.
Few thoughts:
When in the night I weep,
I love you.
When day is long for me,
I miss you. - I like the words, but I don't really get why you only love and miss when there is a motivator for the thoughts. For me it seems to cheapen the emotion as it is not constant... or am I missing something, being glib?
Brought by my tears
You were gentle,
and yet
So wonderfully cautious. -Agree with Dante here, I like the idea, but I don't see contrast enough to warrant the 'yet'.
Sadness is the color that - thought that was a lovely phrase.
I’m rich with brilliants
Of longings. - Brilliants? or brilliance?
just some things to ponder....
Tom
ps. the bots browsing are common on forums, it's al part of the search engine functions of those sites I believe, nothing to be warey of.
Some good stuff in here. Clean easy read, with clear imagery on the whole.
Few thoughts:
When in the night I weep,
I love you.
When day is long for me,
I miss you. - I like the words, but I don't really get why you only love and miss when there is a motivator for the thoughts. For me it seems to cheapen the emotion as it is not constant... or am I missing something, being glib?
Brought by my tears
You were gentle,
and yet
So wonderfully cautious. -Agree with Dante here, I like the idea, but I don't see contrast enough to warrant the 'yet'.
Sadness is the color that - thought that was a lovely phrase.
I’m rich with brilliants
Of longings. - Brilliants? or brilliance?
just some things to ponder....
Tom
ps. the bots browsing are common on forums, it's al part of the search engine functions of those sites I believe, nothing to be warey of.
meh and bah are wonderful words