I saw a film
about a Canadian
teenage pregnancy
which ends
in gooey romance.
I could go for some
gooey romance.
I saw the biopic
of a comic genius
who turns to drink
and grows sick
of the world.
I could go for some
comic genius.
I saw an athlete,
as human as it gets,
his architecture
in perfect conformity
to reality.
I could go for some
reality.
I saw a singer
through a keyhole
cheeks twitching in time,
eyes exploding in space,
feet reaching the low points
of the contours
of his story.
I could go for some
of his story.
I saw a girl
at a round pub table
in tissue paper trousers,
playing with her necklace
made of sweets
but staring mindfully
at the wall.
I could be that wall.
Original version
I could go for some
I saw a film
about a Canadian
teenage pregnancy
which ends
in gooey romance.
I could go for some
gooey romance.
I saw the biopic
of a surreal comic genius
who turns to drink
and grows sick
of the world.
I could go for some
surreal comic genius.
I saw a girl
at a round pub table
tucked into tissue
paper trousers,
playing with her necklace,
made of sweets
but seeing the mildew,
the wearing of varnish.
I could go for some
sexual recognition.
I saw things (new title, new stanzas)
- marten
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I could go for some more of what you laid down here - really liked it. It holds together nicely. Not sure if it was intended to come across as being a little desperate for gooey romance, surreal comic genius, sexual recognition, or if it were more casual-like. Yeah that would really hit the spot right now. One of the strong parts was in the last stanza:
cheers
marten
nice alliteration.I saw a girl
at a round pub table
tucked into tissue
paper trousers
cheers
marten
Well you know you can't spend what you ain't got,
you can't lose some blues you ain't never had -Muddy Waters
you can't lose some blues you ain't never had -Muddy Waters
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I like the conversational tone of this, it seems to fit together with the repetition you're using.
With the repetition, I'm not sure if having 'gooey romance' repeated so soon works in S1. Its not so much of an issue in S2 as you have the space between them. And I feel that if you're going to repeat the phrase, you need to carry that through all three stanzas - in S3 'sexual recognition' isn't repeated.
S1 - I'm not sure about 'gooey romance' it feels a bit cliched, and I felt the oooiness disturbed the rhythm.
S2 - this is the strongest stanza, although I would be tempted to take out 'surreal' - I don't think it's necessary.
S3 - this is an intriguing image and maybe worth exploring more as it feels like there is a poem there in its own right. However, I didn't understand it, or the connection with 'sexual recognition' (and the phrase sexual recognition felt a little clumsy in itself).
Sharra
x
With the repetition, I'm not sure if having 'gooey romance' repeated so soon works in S1. Its not so much of an issue in S2 as you have the space between them. And I feel that if you're going to repeat the phrase, you need to carry that through all three stanzas - in S3 'sexual recognition' isn't repeated.
S1 - I'm not sure about 'gooey romance' it feels a bit cliched, and I felt the oooiness disturbed the rhythm.
S2 - this is the strongest stanza, although I would be tempted to take out 'surreal' - I don't think it's necessary.
S3 - this is an intriguing image and maybe worth exploring more as it feels like there is a poem there in its own right. However, I didn't understand it, or the connection with 'sexual recognition' (and the phrase sexual recognition felt a little clumsy in itself).
Sharra
x
It is at the edge of the
petal that love waits
petal that love waits
The first two verses were bang on for me, but the third didn't have the same kind of straightforward thrust. The meaning was fairly clear but there seemed to be a confusion of words (well they confused me) in the two lines after 'sweets'.
I saw a girl
at a round pub table
tucked into tissue
paper trousers,
playing with her necklace,
made of sweets
but seeing the mildew,
the wearing of varnish. - The sentence appears to end after 'sweets' and this is just tagged on at the end. Who's doing the seeing, the N or the girl? I just don't see any connection here.
Apart from those two lines I thought it was fine. Maybe that 'awful God' has decided to let you be.
nice one
Barrie
I saw a girl
at a round pub table
tucked into tissue
paper trousers,
playing with her necklace,
made of sweets
but seeing the mildew,
the wearing of varnish. - The sentence appears to end after 'sweets' and this is just tagged on at the end. Who's doing the seeing, the N or the girl? I just don't see any connection here.
Apart from those two lines I thought it was fine. Maybe that 'awful God' has decided to let you be.
nice one
Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......
Ben
Just wanted to say that I think this works. And it's nice to say that. When a poem doesn't work it's always so awkward when you have to say why. But it's ever so satisfying to say that this works. It does. Good set up. Good twist on the repetition. Good form. Good syntax. Good finish. Text book.
Just two problems --
S3 is a bit of a mess. To me at least.
First of all it seems, 'cos of the choice of 'tucked in', as if the girl is a playing card tucked down someone's trousers.
Secondly, your verbs are all a bit mad here
but seeing the mildew,
I can only assume that refers to you as the subject right? If so, the tenses have changed from past to present and that's a bit, well, off. If you're going for some sort of subversion then I've missed it I'm afraid.
My other problem, and this is tiny, is this: does it work too well? It completely conformed to my expectations in how it developed and I know that you're the kind of writer who indulges in being a bit off of the radar (or used to). Does it sit well with you? It'd sit well with me; I'd like to write a poem that works.
Dave
Just wanted to say that I think this works. And it's nice to say that. When a poem doesn't work it's always so awkward when you have to say why. But it's ever so satisfying to say that this works. It does. Good set up. Good twist on the repetition. Good form. Good syntax. Good finish. Text book.
Just two problems --
S3 is a bit of a mess. To me at least.
First of all it seems, 'cos of the choice of 'tucked in', as if the girl is a playing card tucked down someone's trousers.
Secondly, your verbs are all a bit mad here
but seeing the mildew,
I can only assume that refers to you as the subject right? If so, the tenses have changed from past to present and that's a bit, well, off. If you're going for some sort of subversion then I've missed it I'm afraid.
My other problem, and this is tiny, is this: does it work too well? It completely conformed to my expectations in how it developed and I know that you're the kind of writer who indulges in being a bit off of the radar (or used to). Does it sit well with you? It'd sit well with me; I'd like to write a poem that works.
Dave
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Thanks for all the comments, I agree with most of the suggestions so I'll take them on board soon.
Ben
Good question. I must admit I am a bit uneasy with how neat and straightforward the first two stanzas are, which is why I threw in the nonsense at the end. Those stanzas were very easy to write as well, which feels a little bit wrong.Wabznasm wrote:My other problem, and this is tiny, is this: does it work too well? It completely conformed to my expectations in how it developed and I know that you're the kind of writer who indulges in being a bit off of the radar (or used to). Does it sit well with you?
Ben
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HI Ben,
The others have already pointed out the strengths and weaknesses here. I found the first two strophes charming but found myself wanting more (several more stanzas in fact). I got completely lost in the varnish.... Consider adding on to this idea. I think you could find many ideas for the reader to connect with to engage him fully and universally.
e
The others have already pointed out the strengths and weaknesses here. I found the first two strophes charming but found myself wanting more (several more stanzas in fact). I got completely lost in the varnish.... Consider adding on to this idea. I think you could find many ideas for the reader to connect with to engage him fully and universally.
e
- twoleftfeet
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Like Barrie, I was intrigued by whether it was you or the girl who had the mildew and varnish!
It;s a shame that you haven't been able to work this paradox into your final draft.
Also "tucked into tissue trousers" was my favourite line.
Nice one, Ben.
It;s a shame that you haven't been able to work this paradox into your final draft.
Also "tucked into tissue trousers" was my favourite line.
Nice one, Ben.
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Well, I didn't try to work it in. But maybe I will.twoleftfeet wrote:Like Barrie, I was intrigued by whether it was you or the girl who had the mildew and varnish!
It;s a shame that you haven't been able to work this paradox into your final draft.
That's one vote in favour and one against. Maybe I'll flip a coin.Also "tucked into tissue trousers" was my favourite line.
Thanks,
Ben