[ attempting a Tanka poem, informal though. The syllable count is not 5-7-5-7-7.]
My eyes burn
dewdrops sparkle on grass tips
shadows drift
green turns golden-brown
thoughts become older
Vestiges
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zkhestanova
- Posts: 30
- Joined: Sat Aug 09, 2008 8:50 pm
hello arunansu! have you written many sustained pieces for this forum? being inept i'm having a few problems with the search function - bt would like to see what else you've written. would you post a link for me? 'thoughts become older' by the way is an evocative line, - i like it. zalina, x
"I move in strange tropics and deal in high explosives, embalming fluid, jasper, myrrh, smaragd, fluted snot, and porcupines' toes." Henry Miller (Third or Fourth Day of Spring)
Aru
I think all except the first line work for me in this as I can relate them to the title. the first line is too intense for vestiges.
My only minor nit might be that you maybe need to dig deeper for expressions - dewdrops sparkling and shadows drifting are perhaps overused.
I liked thoughts grow older - lots of meaning in that.
Elphin
I think all except the first line work for me in this as I can relate them to the title. the first line is too intense for vestiges.
My only minor nit might be that you maybe need to dig deeper for expressions - dewdrops sparkling and shadows drifting are perhaps overused.
I liked thoughts grow older - lots of meaning in that.
Elphin
Hi arunansu,
I recognized it a form poem before reading your note. Liked the ending, the comparison between 'the golden brown grass' and 'older thoughts'. Like Elphin said lots of meaning in that which can be thoughts old, thoughts matured, thoughts wiser...
Nice read.
Lake
I recognized it a form poem before reading your note. Liked the ending, the comparison between 'the golden brown grass' and 'older thoughts'. Like Elphin said lots of meaning in that which can be thoughts old, thoughts matured, thoughts wiser...
Nice read.
Lake