Pushing it.
- mesmie
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Revised....
I'm pushing it.
Too much,
too soon
for comfort.
I should
hedge my bets,
play
away,
sway
with you,
but sleep
in my own bed.
I
feel you.
Not fair
that I care.
Should I
exercise,
be exorcised?
Recognise
potential demise
if I push,
too much
too soon.
Original...
I'm pushing it
too much,
too soon
for comfort.
I should
edge my bets,
play
away,
sway
with you
sleep,
in my own bed.
I
feel you.
Not fair
that I care.
Should I
exercise,
be exorcised?
Recognise
potential demise
if I push,
too much
too soon.
I'm pushing it.
Too much,
too soon
for comfort.
I should
hedge my bets,
play
away,
sway
with you,
but sleep
in my own bed.
I
feel you.
Not fair
that I care.
Should I
exercise,
be exorcised?
Recognise
potential demise
if I push,
too much
too soon.
Original...
I'm pushing it
too much,
too soon
for comfort.
I should
edge my bets,
play
away,
sway
with you
sleep,
in my own bed.
I
feel you.
Not fair
that I care.
Should I
exercise,
be exorcised?
Recognise
potential demise
if I push,
too much
too soon.
Last edited by mesmie on Thu Nov 13, 2008 6:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
-
- Preponderant Poster
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Mesmie
Very cleverly written. Almost hypnotic in style.
I wondered if the word ‘sleep’ was a little bit lonely on a line all by itself. There is a deft use of structure that makes me think, “Oh no! They’re going to sleep with someone else.” If the line was ‘and sleep’ or ‘but sleep’, would that accentuate the moment of tension?
enjoyed
og
Very cleverly written. Almost hypnotic in style.
I wondered if the word ‘sleep’ was a little bit lonely on a line all by itself. There is a deft use of structure that makes me think, “Oh no! They’re going to sleep with someone else.” If the line was ‘and sleep’ or ‘but sleep’, would that accentuate the moment of tension?
enjoyed
og
hi mesmie,
og has a decent enough point there. apart from that only one nit. The first line needs a full stop after it for me. When you say "im pushing it" that already implies the "too much".. In another sentance woujld be ok though, hence the full stop.
cheers
harrison
og has a decent enough point there. apart from that only one nit. The first line needs a full stop after it for me. When you say "im pushing it" that already implies the "too much".. In another sentance woujld be ok though, hence the full stop.
cheers
harrison
Aren't people absurd! They never use the freedoms they do have but demand those they don't have; they have freedom of thought, they demand freedom of speech.
- mesmie
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Thaks Barrie oi who nicked me 'h'?....honestly a girl can't close her eyes for one minute the dreaded 'h' nicker has struck again duly put back in place..barrie wrote:Hello Mesme -
for comfort.
I should
hedge my bets,
Good exercise in rhyme.
Barrie
- mesmie
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oranggunung wrote:Mesmie
Very cleverly written. Almost hypnotic in style.
I wondered if the word ‘sleep’ was a little bit lonely on a line all by itself. There is a deft use of structure that makes me think, “Oh no! They’re going to sleep with someone else.” If the line was ‘and sleep’ or ‘but sleep’, would that accentuate the moment of tension?
enjoyed
og
Think thats a great idea og and its been adopted...thanks for the pointer..I enjoyed writing this one..
- mesmie
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pitseleh wrote:hi mesmie,
og has a decent enough point there. apart from that only one nit. The first line needs a full stop after it for me. When you say "im pushing it" that already implies the "too much".. In another sentance woujld be ok though, hence the full stop.
cheers
harrison
Done and dusted sir...thanks for reading...
- mesmie
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suzanne wrote:I enjoyed this and the way that it read with some hesitation. It mimicked the mood and turmoil very well.
Liked the format style, too.
Suzanne
aww thanks suz...just a little tinkering around to be honest...glad it has worked though..
Just thought i'd pop in to say im liking the finished article. Well done
~H
~H
Aren't people absurd! They never use the freedoms they do have but demand those they don't have; they have freedom of thought, they demand freedom of speech.