Wifey (Workin Progress)

[LaMOi]

Bitch tightens her noose, until she has squeezed the best; honour, zeal and wit.
On the heap she leaves a man forged to fit!
Choking down black clouds, thunder claps.
Crooked mind, sex not on tap, cheek slapped.

She irons out, white lightning tight!
Balls in teeth, her wings split the night.
Man slumps back,
I do, I do, I do.

[ray miller]

I'd like to think this is tongue in cheek, otherwise it's self-pitying and that ain't good. Work in progress? Is that the poem, marriage, she, you? Forged to fit is a good phrase and "she irons out" is interesting - is that in the sense of chills out? Don't know what the final lines are intended to convey. My wife says, rather too often, "what's the point of swapping him now, I'd only have to start the training again from the very start?"

[LaMOi]

This isnt necessarily about a 'Wife' .... Wifey could be a metaphor for anything. Im not married.

[Danté]

LaMOi

Nice to read your words again, I quite like this, the rather synical nature of the images.
Some nice internal rhyming, and some stark metaphors.
(workin progress) Well I will have to pop back and see what becomes of this, I don't see a lot of slack in the poem and other than altering the terminology it is not easy to see where this might progress to.

Interesting

Cheers

Danté

[LaMOi]

Thanks Dante.... Im not sure where ill take this.. Its meant to be a bit cartoonish, its not necessarily meant to represent a woman, but 'the Wife' whatever that is... Could be the State.

My mother took a look at this and asked if this was her legacy. lol.

[Leigh]

I loved it, great pace and convincing tone. "cheek slapped", excellent, that alone would make a big good poem. nicely done matey.

Leigh

[LaMOi]

Thanks leigh! Really encouraging. Glad you like it..