Silent Communication (Revised)

[unchained soul]

Big brown eyes boring deep into my mind, searching.
Long eyelashes blinking: she can’t help being nosey.
A hypnotic gaze confers with my soul.
Swift tail shooing flies from her leathery skin.

A long thick mucus covered tongue licks her lips.
Which of us is under hypnosis?
Shifting from hoof to hoof her weight is distributed.
Then silence shatters with a resounding moo!

[dillingworth]

i like the idea; for the first three lines i thought the poem was about a pretty girl - great turnaround with the detail of the tail.

"communes with my soul" is cliched, i'd change it. you probably should keep "hypnotic gaze" though as you need it for "which of us is under hypnosis?"

i'm not sure about the last line: why would a moo spoil the moment, does it break the silence? i think the sticking point is "spoils it all" - it's getting close to the song "something stupid", which would actually produce a very funny effect:
"and then she goes and spoils it all
by saying something stupid like
moo!"

ahem. perhaps that's going too far.

[unchained soul]

Hi Dillingworth,

Nice to meet you. Thanks for your comments and ideas. I'll try and change the "communes with the soul" bit. Yeah the moo spoils it because it breaks the silent communication/hypnotic chat.

I'll put my thinking cap back on lol

Rach

[OrlandoGardener]

Good for you on revising. We see to many first drfts around here and not enough of the changes that may be taking place.Hopefully you start a trend.

Maybe also a trend of ending poems with "moo."

I think your best stuff in this one is the physical descriptions. Somehow
"A long thick mucus covered tongue licks her lips"
says more to me than
"A hypnotic gaze confers with my soul"

[jkvanburen]

Hi Rach,

ah I love the description of the cow! And the question of who is being hypnotized. Having spent a great deal of time with cows myself, I could get the message right on! Thanks!

Once a poet suggested that I change my 'ing" verbs as much as possible to see how the feel of the poem changed as well. I think it often changes my work for the better. You might consider this as an experiment? Try to get your verb tenses more in line?

I did a few to show some examples.

All the best,

Jennifer

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Big brown eyes bore deep into my mind, searching.
Long eyelashes blink: she can’t help being nosey.
A hypnotic gaze confers with my soul.
Swift tail shoos flies from her leathery skin.

A long thick mucus covered tongue licks her lips.
Which of us is under hypnosis?
She shifts from hoof to hoof her weight is distributed.
Then silence shatters with a resounding moo!

[unchained soul]

Hi Orlando and jkvanburen,

Thank you both for your comments and thoughts.

Orlando, thanks for pointing out what you thought was best and what was not so good. Thats very helpful. Would be fun to try and do poems all ending in moo. Could get some very funny ones from some of the poets on here lol.

Look forward to seeing more of yours.

Jkvanburen,

Thanks as well. I'll have to look at your examples and see exactly what you mean. Always helps to try new stuff.

Rach