Hey,
Ok Im new to this site, and have been writing bits and bobs for years, I would really appreciate some feedback and some of my work,
I wrote the following tonight, please let me know what you think. x
A walk
I went for a walk, in the dark, In the rain
To clear my head and to numb the pain
As I trundled along the familiar track
I prayed in vain to have everything back
I needed help that cold, lonely night
My gut tied in knots, my muscles so tight
I needed a way of my pain to release
I needed redemption, I needed some peace
I stopped for a second, grit stuck in my shoes
This wasn’t just a case of the old ‘Christmas Blues’
This was more, this was real, this was me giving in
To the dark thoughts and notions I held deep within
If I could have blamed someone for my issues that night
It would have been easier to deal with my plight,
But that was the problem, It was me in the wrong
Now I was walking the streets somewhere I didn’t belong
I came to the crossing and reflected in the water
Was the sickening sight of a troublesome daughter
That moment, that second, I felt I was Just
My hand reached for the railing covered in rust
I perched on the top, my head finally clear
I leapt with smile, I had lost all of my fear
All of the pain had just vanished, this was just about me
I was paying my debts, I was finally free
Its only now I regret what I actually did
Why didn’t I just tell them the secrets I hid
If I had asked for their help, yes, Id have caused a big row
But they wouldn’t be stood at my graveside right now
A walk
Sarahlou
Welcome to PG
Hope you find the place enjoyable.
It's a good idea to check out the rules and if you feel like it, perhaps introduce yourself
oon the Good evening and welcome thread.
The place will only continue to work if everyone who posts their own poems, offers their thoughts
in respect of at least two other poems, that's how it works here.
You will find you get more feedback from other writers that way.
It does not have to be an expert opinion, simply how you see it.
All the best
Danté
Welcome to PG
Hope you find the place enjoyable.
It's a good idea to check out the rules and if you feel like it, perhaps introduce yourself
oon the Good evening and welcome thread.
The place will only continue to work if everyone who posts their own poems, offers their thoughts
in respect of at least two other poems, that's how it works here.
You will find you get more feedback from other writers that way.
It does not have to be an expert opinion, simply how you see it.
All the best
Danté
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch
Welcome to the forum S. I generally prefer shorter pieces, and my fingers are itching to trim down the length of this one. Hope you don't mind? 
Here's my take on this:
A walk
I went for a walk in the dark, in the rain
To clear my head and to numb the pain
As I trundled along the familiar track
I prayed in vain to have everything back
I stopped for a second, grit stuck in my shoes
This wasn’t just a case of the old ‘Christmas Blues’
This was more, this was real, this was me giving in
To the dark thoughts and notions I held deep within
If I could have blamed someone for my issues that night
It would have been easier to deal with my plight,
But that was the problem, It was me in the wrong
Now I was walking the streets somewhere I didn’t belong
I came to the crossing and reflected in the water
was the sickening sight of a troublesome daughter
that moment, that second, I felt I was Just
my hand reached for the railing covered in rust
I perched on the top, my head finally clear
I leapt with smile, I had lost all of my fear
All of the pain had just vanished, this was just about me
I was paying my debts, I was finally free
Your piece is nice. Specially I liked the rhythm, though I don't think you followed a rhyme scheme ( did you?). I thought S2 and S7 doesn't add anything new. I deleted them. Also, try using shorter lines if you want them to rhyme.
Nice first post.
'Would like to see more from you.
Cheers.
Here's my take on this:
A walk
I went for a walk in the dark, in the rain
To clear my head and to numb the pain
As I trundled along the familiar track
I prayed in vain to have everything back
I stopped for a second, grit stuck in my shoes
This wasn’t just a case of the old ‘Christmas Blues’
This was more, this was real, this was me giving in
To the dark thoughts and notions I held deep within
If I could have blamed someone for my issues that night
It would have been easier to deal with my plight,
But that was the problem, It was me in the wrong
Now I was walking the streets somewhere I didn’t belong
I came to the crossing and reflected in the water
was the sickening sight of a troublesome daughter
that moment, that second, I felt I was Just
my hand reached for the railing covered in rust
I perched on the top, my head finally clear
I leapt with smile, I had lost all of my fear
All of the pain had just vanished, this was just about me
I was paying my debts, I was finally free
Your piece is nice. Specially I liked the rhythm, though I don't think you followed a rhyme scheme ( did you?). I thought S2 and S7 doesn't add anything new. I deleted them. Also, try using shorter lines if you want them to rhyme.
Nice first post.
'Would like to see more from you.
Cheers.
-
mesmie
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Welcome S.. 
Yup enjoyed your first post and enjoyed the trimming too.. if I may offer a little more?
last line stanza three...walking the streets where I didn't belong
first line stanza four..ditch the second 'the'
final stanza third line .. All pain had vanished, this was just about me.
To me the alterations let the rhythm flow a little more ..thanks for the read
Yup enjoyed your first post and enjoyed the trimming too.. if I may offer a little more?
last line stanza three...walking the streets where I didn't belong
first line stanza four..ditch the second 'the'
final stanza third line .. All pain had vanished, this was just about me.
To me the alterations let the rhythm flow a little more ..thanks for the read
Hi Sarahlou
I am new to poetry and this forum. I really liked your poem. It may not be considered the best form but I like the AABB ryhmes. At first read i thought I wouldn't change a thing but on further reads I have a couple of suggestions (which seems a little cheeky as you're much better than me):
I would change the 2nd line of S6 to:
I leapt with a smile, I had lost all my fear
and may remove one of the "just" from the next line.
I hope to read lots more of your work.
I am new to poetry and this forum. I really liked your poem. It may not be considered the best form but I like the AABB ryhmes. At first read i thought I wouldn't change a thing but on further reads I have a couple of suggestions (which seems a little cheeky as you're much better than me):
I would change the 2nd line of S6 to:
I leapt with a smile, I had lost all my fear
and may remove one of the "just" from the next line.
I hope to read lots more of your work.
Hello Sarahlou,
(Goodbye heart ... isn't that how it goes?)
Anyway, well done on your first posting. My only suggestion for now would be to read it aloud to yourself - or aloud in your head, if you prefer, because that's what I do - and decide what rhythm you want your lines to have. You start off at four beats a line, I think, but then we get to
This wasn’t just a case of the old ‘Christmas Blues’
which seems to me to have seven beats.
Then it's mostly four beats a line to the end, but with occasional fives and sixes.
If you're writing free verse you can have lines of whatever length you like, and sometimes you can when you're rhyming as well, but for the moment I'd stick to one pattern throughout. Start messing around with it later!
Hope that's helpful.
As Tim (Dante) says, you need to comment on other people's poems as well. Don't be shy. You don't have to be an expert. Just say what you see.
Cheers
David
(Goodbye heart ... isn't that how it goes?)
Anyway, well done on your first posting. My only suggestion for now would be to read it aloud to yourself - or aloud in your head, if you prefer, because that's what I do - and decide what rhythm you want your lines to have. You start off at four beats a line, I think, but then we get to
This wasn’t just a case of the old ‘Christmas Blues’
which seems to me to have seven beats.
Then it's mostly four beats a line to the end, but with occasional fives and sixes.
If you're writing free verse you can have lines of whatever length you like, and sometimes you can when you're rhyming as well, but for the moment I'd stick to one pattern throughout. Start messing around with it later!
Hope that's helpful.
As Tim (Dante) says, you need to comment on other people's poems as well. Don't be shy. You don't have to be an expert. Just say what you see.
Cheers
David