My Family

[karalma]

This is my first attempt. It's very simple and any advice will be greatly appreciated.

My Family

I pack my bin bag with a knowing grin
Time to go once again
I knew when I came 6 weeks ago
It wouldn’t take long to let me go.

Jane comes in with a disappointed stare
I don’t know how she dare!
It was her that said this family would love me as their own
So how come no care was shown?

So I was rude and broke their rings
So I was cheeky and called them things
So I never did anything I was told
So what if I was cold?

If I was really their family
They wouldn’t give up on me
I glare one last time as we drive away
The next one will be different I pray.

[arunansu]

Dear K,

Welcome to the forum. I like how you spilled the sentiment, but there are certain questions that may evolve in the reader's mind:

"I came 6 weeks ago" - any special reason for using six(not 6,please)? Perhaps you are hinting the N had come to spend a vacation with a family.

Who is "Jane" and what relation does she have with the speaker?

"I was rude and broke their rings" - I feel it's better to do way with abstractions for a newbie ( I wish I'm wrong!).

"next one will be different I pray" - does the speaker visit such "families" on a routine basis?

Hope a revision will bring more clarity. Keep the ink running.
Cheers.

[BenJohnson]

I quite like the gaps in the story, to me it feels like an unruly child moving between foster homes.

The first stanza seems to flow very well, the others seem less structured, particularly the second.

There is an interesting contrast between blaming the family, then in the third stanza revealing how the speaker had acted.

I particularly liked the detail of packing bin bags it enhances the homeless feel. I think with a bit of tidying this could be a very nice read. I look forward to reading your future productions.

[karalma]

Thanks for the feedback - it's great to get different points of view. I thought after the first fedback that mabe I should have been clearer but didn't really want to as like Ben said I liked the gaps in the story. It was meant to be a child moving foster homes so glad Ben spotted that. I will take on board what you both said and keep working on it.

many thanks.

[BenJohnson]

Jane comes in with a disappointed stare
I don’t know how she dare!
It was her that said this family would love me as their own
So how come no care was shown?

reading this again I take it Jane is not part of the family, but is someone like a social worker who has found this family. In this case I wonder if return would be a phrase to show that she is not usually there but has come back for the child?

With that in mind I played around with this stanza to try to make the lines a similar length to see if they would flow any better. This is the result,

Jane returns with disappointed stare
It's not my fault so how does she dare!
She said this family would make me their own
so where was the care that should've been shown?

But that is only my way of playing with the words, I'm not trying to say that I think my result is better than yours

[karalma]

thanks Ben. You were right about Jane. Your suggestions have really improved it. I'm so pleased I joined this site.

[mesmie]

hiyas and welcome...
I got the link about the foster home and Jane being the social worker...and I like what Ben has done with your words too...Perhaps I would have used something stonger than 'knowing' in that first stanza...and what are the rings you mention?...thought at first it was their confidence but not so sure
neat first post I am looking forward to more.


mx

[Alucinary]

I like this - I picked up on who the speaker was supposed to be and to me the broken rings symbolised breaking a marrige - is that right? I do like BenJohnson's alteration, however I also enjoyed your own so I could not tell you which to use. I really like the third stanza all beginning with "So" - the repetition worked well there.

[karalma]

Hi Alucinary

I wish I oculd say that the broken rings symbolised a broken marriage but I'm afraid i didn't think of it - at least not consciously. I was thinking of changing that line but I really like your interpretation as fostering can put a lot of strain on a marriage so i think I'll keep it. Thanks.