Above The Washing Line
Pulling words peg-like from between your lips,
you hung each up, on a washing line over her bed,
your mind’s dirty washing, in public, for students to gawp at.
The power of positive thinking, charred away in some long forgotten hearth, as you stamped at embers, crackling back into life on a clean thresh of floor.
You didn’t need to emblazon “She’s not got long” on streamers, hung there, above her subconscious, or “You know she has a weak heart”. Maybe you believed comas were death, that silent tongues shunted ears and minds into the vacuum shed, down the dedication line to duty?
“If her heart does stop, we shan’t start it again, you understand?”
Beneath, I had understandings for a man,
hard hit by daily choices over life and death,
his medical assumptions rolling snowballs
into ever fattening conclusions, that only he could melt.
But watching helpless, as your Mother fades to grey,
I feel even he’s in need of a refresher course
in spoken words, near the dying.
While up above the washing line,
God holds the prop, shakes his head
and waves a finger.
Above The Washing Line
El
This is a good read, you have some good lines that lead the reader's conclusions in a gentle way
and the thread that runs through the poem is well connected.
I think this could be improved in so much as making the openning, engage the reader just a
fraction better.
"Pulling words peg-like from between your lips,
you hung each up, on a washing line over her bed,
your mind’s dirty washing, in public, for students to gawp at."
Its a well thought out start to the piece, but reading it as if it is that first read, on which a lot
of intial impressions are formed reagrding a poem, the reader is grasping for something to put
this into a context. Three lines into the poem and no definite context in which to put these actions, I fear it could be a pint at which some readers could disengage rather than be open to pulling more out of the next lines. The problem area is this, line one immediately places the reader's mind outdoors with an image of someone with a mouth full of pegs, then line two makes the reader ponder, why the hell would someone' have a bed in the graden, then it has students and one thinks, hmmm outside a school or college. I think you have a couple of options here, you could alter the opening lines to rienforce the setting, or you could have a line before the original openning to perform that task.
The power of positive thinking, charred away in some long forgotten hearth, as you stamped at embers, crackling back into life on a clean thresh of floor.
I think there are better verbs than thresh, these lines are well thought out, but once again they
need context, which in light of the openning, the reader is still clutching at straws so is unable to
enjoy this passage as well as one might.
"You didn’t need to emblazon “She’s not got long” on streamers, hung there, above her subconscious, or “You know she has a weak heart”. Maybe you believed comas were death, that silent tongues shunted ears and minds into the vacuum shed, down the dedication line to duty?
“If her heart does stop, we shan’t start it again, you understand?”"
It's only really when one arrives at the end of this passage, that there is a tangible image that places the reader in the correct setting. I'm also not covinced emblazon would not be better used in the middle of a battlefield, it seems like a fish out of water here. Embellish, would serve you better here and seems more in keeping with the overall tone of the poem. It is also more of a reader friendly word that says more than emblazon without the gaudy feel to it.
The remainder of the the poem is fine, once we know where we are and what we are dealing with.
As a fresh un-pondered read, it is still possible to be grasping when one practically reaches "snowballs". In fact the last two passages are better than fine, they are damn good.
"But watching helpless, as your Mother fades to grey,
I feel even he’s in need of a refresher course"
This really delivers the very human aspect of the poem, you have a really strong ending which is both satisfying and thought evoking. As I have suggested, it just seems to need a bit of tweaking at the start, so we all know what we are seeing and being shown from the outset. I know sometimes it is good to make the reader work a little and glean the content, but the openning is where one is engaged and persuaded to pull more out of the following lines.
You have a good piece here, I hope my thoughts are of use to you.
Very enjoyable read.
all the best
Danté
This is a good read, you have some good lines that lead the reader's conclusions in a gentle way
and the thread that runs through the poem is well connected.
I think this could be improved in so much as making the openning, engage the reader just a
fraction better.
"Pulling words peg-like from between your lips,
you hung each up, on a washing line over her bed,
your mind’s dirty washing, in public, for students to gawp at."
Its a well thought out start to the piece, but reading it as if it is that first read, on which a lot
of intial impressions are formed reagrding a poem, the reader is grasping for something to put
this into a context. Three lines into the poem and no definite context in which to put these actions, I fear it could be a pint at which some readers could disengage rather than be open to pulling more out of the next lines. The problem area is this, line one immediately places the reader's mind outdoors with an image of someone with a mouth full of pegs, then line two makes the reader ponder, why the hell would someone' have a bed in the graden, then it has students and one thinks, hmmm outside a school or college. I think you have a couple of options here, you could alter the opening lines to rienforce the setting, or you could have a line before the original openning to perform that task.
The power of positive thinking, charred away in some long forgotten hearth, as you stamped at embers, crackling back into life on a clean thresh of floor.
I think there are better verbs than thresh, these lines are well thought out, but once again they
need context, which in light of the openning, the reader is still clutching at straws so is unable to
enjoy this passage as well as one might.
"You didn’t need to emblazon “She’s not got long” on streamers, hung there, above her subconscious, or “You know she has a weak heart”. Maybe you believed comas were death, that silent tongues shunted ears and minds into the vacuum shed, down the dedication line to duty?
“If her heart does stop, we shan’t start it again, you understand?”"
It's only really when one arrives at the end of this passage, that there is a tangible image that places the reader in the correct setting. I'm also not covinced emblazon would not be better used in the middle of a battlefield, it seems like a fish out of water here. Embellish, would serve you better here and seems more in keeping with the overall tone of the poem. It is also more of a reader friendly word that says more than emblazon without the gaudy feel to it.
The remainder of the the poem is fine, once we know where we are and what we are dealing with.
As a fresh un-pondered read, it is still possible to be grasping when one practically reaches "snowballs". In fact the last two passages are better than fine, they are damn good.
"But watching helpless, as your Mother fades to grey,
I feel even he’s in need of a refresher course"
This really delivers the very human aspect of the poem, you have a really strong ending which is both satisfying and thought evoking. As I have suggested, it just seems to need a bit of tweaking at the start, so we all know what we are seeing and being shown from the outset. I know sometimes it is good to make the reader work a little and glean the content, but the openning is where one is engaged and persuaded to pull more out of the following lines.
You have a good piece here, I hope my thoughts are of use to you.
Very enjoyable read.
all the best
Danté
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch
I enjoyed reading this but I was a little confused to start with. As I'm new to poetry I didn't really know why until I read the review above. I then reread the poem without S1 and it all made sense to me. After this i went back to S1 and then understood that also so i agree with Dante that it may be better with a clearer explanation in S1.
Thank you as I am learning so much from reading other people's poetry - particularly by reviewing it.
Thank you as I am learning so much from reading other people's poetry - particularly by reviewing it.
thanks for taking the time dante to reply, though your reply was three times longer than the verse itself, still all has been taken in.
I like to lead people through a poem, we each have our owm ways, so all is revealed bit by bit and not all in the first line...i see it as.....words hung over a bed.....so inside....students...a hospital......maybe it needs a few reads, so i shall bear this in mind in future.
alas after quite a long list of suggested corrections you said the last six lines were good, which makes the first thirteen lines in need of change, not sure i'll change all that, might as well scrap it, for it would become no longer my verse.
still thanks for your time
El
I like to lead people through a poem, we each have our owm ways, so all is revealed bit by bit and not all in the first line...i see it as.....words hung over a bed.....so inside....students...a hospital......maybe it needs a few reads, so i shall bear this in mind in future.
alas after quite a long list of suggested corrections you said the last six lines were good, which makes the first thirteen lines in need of change, not sure i'll change all that, might as well scrap it, for it would become no longer my verse.
still thanks for your time
El
hi karalma....thanks for your reply, pleased you are interested in poetry, good luck.karalma wrote:I enjoyed reading this but I was a little confused to start with. As I'm new to poetry I didn't really know why until I read the review above. I then reread the poem without S1 and it all made sense to me. After this i went back to S1 and then understood that also so i agree with Dante that it may be better with a clearer explanation in S1.
Thank you as I am learning so much from reading other people's poetry - particularly by reviewing it.
When i read others poems, i make sure i don't read the replies other people have made to it before i pass my own comment, because it can seriously taint our judgement, and the way you see something, a bit like believing in a government and media led credit crunch, as for most people, the value of their house means nothing unless they want to sell it, and what we see now is an enormous heavyweight of people who have been scared into stopping spending money, even though there situation is not affected by the current slowdown, and those people are definitely not helping, as we need people to spend money in order to save jobs and businesses, alas, the powers that be brainwashing took over.
I tend to write verse a la horoscope, it then can means allsorts of things to allsorts of people, and probably something completely diferent to me, thats just me.
I tend to try and draw people in to read more before they find out whats happening, thats not wrong, thats just the way i write.
thanks
El
No worries El
The first thirteen lines are also good, the areas I thought could be improved on were mentioned,
and only detailed a few words. It would still be your poem, but as you rightly say it is something you might bear in mind for future pieces. You might not, that's your choice and is respected.
The important point I was making, is mainly to have some context to allow the early images to be enjoyed in their correct setting, not everyone wants to have to read a poem a few times.
Having a surprise or a twist is a different matter, not actually communicating, or hinting at where one is, makes the images confusing. Leading a reader is exactly what the writer does, and the beginning of this took me straight down the garden path, at which point I am then expected to be in a hospital.
Mainly I did not want you thinking I had a negative view of the first thirteen lines, I don't think I actually said that anywhere, but want to be clear about it.
The long crit was because I could be bothered, and thought the piece to be basically a good poem.
Happy new year to you, have a good one
Danté
The first thirteen lines are also good, the areas I thought could be improved on were mentioned,
and only detailed a few words. It would still be your poem, but as you rightly say it is something you might bear in mind for future pieces. You might not, that's your choice and is respected.
The important point I was making, is mainly to have some context to allow the early images to be enjoyed in their correct setting, not everyone wants to have to read a poem a few times.
Having a surprise or a twist is a different matter, not actually communicating, or hinting at where one is, makes the images confusing. Leading a reader is exactly what the writer does, and the beginning of this took me straight down the garden path, at which point I am then expected to be in a hospital.
Mainly I did not want you thinking I had a negative view of the first thirteen lines, I don't think I actually said that anywhere, but want to be clear about it.
The long crit was because I could be bothered, and thought the piece to be basically a good poem.
Happy new year to you, have a good one
Danté
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch