Out of this World - Revised

[unchained soul]

Pressing the 'play' button brought more than I bargained for.
Teleported at light speed into an audible monsoon.
Leaving behind an empty room.
My coffee still warm on the table.

I wish I could stay here for an endless session.
I understand all at once that isn't an option.
The cd will stop playing quite soon.
and I must return to my coffee.

[william]

you're progressing, I can see it. This is very nice, I mean that - the only problem is with making the coffee cup smooth and subtle. I'd suggest playing around with "Coffee cup sat neatly like before." My ears don't like "cup" and "like before." Also, I'd drop the last "cup."

- willy

[unchained soul]

Hi Willy,

Thanks very much for your kind thoughts about my work improving. Its easy to get discouraged and thats just what I needed to hear. Thanks for the help as well. I'll see what I can do with it.

Rach

[william]

Nice editing. I love it. No more massive editing or you'll ruin it!!! haha...

- will

[unchained soul]

Hi Will,

Thanks. Leaving it as it is.

[dillingworth]

i like this - i think it's the best poem of yours i have seen.