No Flies On Her
You cannot rage about flies, they appear,
a season’s small annoyance, then back to mist.
But our walls tell a different version.
Summer crashed in, interrupting life,
and pleasing most, until the big eyed
flying beasts invaded.
I sat, edging closer to the fan above,
when a bluebottle dared enter our space.
The fly-hater’s voice upped several tones,
and a rolled newspaper surfaced,
that and a plastic pint glass and beer mat
for covering the trapped marauder,
if she ever caught one.
Thwaaaacckk,
Oh no! I’d cry, not another bloody squashed fly.
You’d think after all these years,
shooing would suffice, but well,
luckily, yellow wallpaper
contrasts well with the
abstract dark red pattern.
No Flies On Her
El
You have some good material here.
As usual, I have a few suggestions that might like to consider or not as the case might be.
"You cannot rage about flies,"
Why not? I don't feel that you have convinced me enough, and it's
a bit of a generalisation and is possibly too definite.
"Summer crashed in, interrupting life,
and pleasing most, until the big eyed
flying beasts invaded."
Good stuff, you also have an opportunity to use other descriptions that
enhance the visuals, insects are visually stunning, even the annoying ones.
"I sat, edging closer to the fan above,
when a bluebottle dared enter our space."
Again, very good, a little tension building.
The fly-hater’s voice upped several tones,
and a rolled newspaper surfaced,
More tension, although I think "surfaced" is a missed opportunty to depict briefly
the transition of a passive object into a weapon.
that and a plastic pint glass and beer mat
for covering the trapped assassin,
if she ever caught one.
Again, good images and the indefinite nature of the fly's possible demise.
I am not convinced that "assassin" really hits the mark. Thinking about the
life cycle of a fly, I think you have another good opportunity to capitalise
on what nature has provided, ordinary flies are not killers.
"Thwaaaacckk,
Oh no! I’d cry, not another bloody squashed fly.
You’d think after all these years,
shooing would suffice, but well,
luckily, yellow wallpaper
blends well with the
abstract dark red pattern."
Some great sonics in this section, I am pondering "contrasts" as opposed to blends, as you
have been quite strong here by using red, and abstract which are assertive.
Contrast would also lend itself to the other similar sounds that are happening here.
I read everything aloud, and found that contrast lends itself to abstract rather well.
As I have already said, in my opinion, you have a really good poem here.
I think a little fine tuning could make it a great poem.
Obviously feel free to disregard as you wish.
I enjoyed this, you come up with some good stuff.
Tim
You have some good material here.
As usual, I have a few suggestions that might like to consider or not as the case might be.
"You cannot rage about flies,"
Why not? I don't feel that you have convinced me enough, and it's
a bit of a generalisation and is possibly too definite.
"Summer crashed in, interrupting life,
and pleasing most, until the big eyed
flying beasts invaded."
Good stuff, you also have an opportunity to use other descriptions that
enhance the visuals, insects are visually stunning, even the annoying ones.
"I sat, edging closer to the fan above,
when a bluebottle dared enter our space."
Again, very good, a little tension building.
The fly-hater’s voice upped several tones,
and a rolled newspaper surfaced,
More tension, although I think "surfaced" is a missed opportunty to depict briefly
the transition of a passive object into a weapon.
that and a plastic pint glass and beer mat
for covering the trapped assassin,
if she ever caught one.
Again, good images and the indefinite nature of the fly's possible demise.
I am not convinced that "assassin" really hits the mark. Thinking about the
life cycle of a fly, I think you have another good opportunity to capitalise
on what nature has provided, ordinary flies are not killers.
"Thwaaaacckk,
Oh no! I’d cry, not another bloody squashed fly.
You’d think after all these years,
shooing would suffice, but well,
luckily, yellow wallpaper
blends well with the
abstract dark red pattern."
Some great sonics in this section, I am pondering "contrasts" as opposed to blends, as you
have been quite strong here by using red, and abstract which are assertive.
Contrast would also lend itself to the other similar sounds that are happening here.
I read everything aloud, and found that contrast lends itself to abstract rather well.
As I have already said, in my opinion, you have a really good poem here.
I think a little fine tuning could make it a great poem.
Obviously feel free to disregard as you wish.
I enjoyed this, you come up with some good stuff.
Tim
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch
