Something Wrong?

[karalma]

Something Wrong?

Another fight at school
I hang my head in shame
Why can they not see?
I’m not the one to blame.

Dad shouts at the head
His arms snap and wave
One thing we all want to know
Why can‘t I behave?

Dad says, “There’s something wrong,”
I thought I’d hidden it well
I don’t want them to know
I cannot read or spell.

Dad, please stop
Why can‘t you see?
I don’t want them to know
There’s something wrong with me.

Dad has insisted
He knows best
And a lady has come
To give me tests.

Dad looks very happy
Now he knows I’m not thick
The head looks very embarrassed
The lady said I’m dyslexic.

Now I’m a grown man with accolades to my name
Success called out to me, with fortune and fame
In the playground I learned to fight, in the boardroom I honed my skills
While my mates carried knives I waved a tongue of steel
I learned from my dad, though words are hard to write
A different way to attack, how spoken words can bite.

But beneath this cloak of victory, beats a heart of blame
When I request a report written, I still feel pricks of shame
But I have learnt my own way, there are 2 sides to every coin
Without my lack of literacy I wouldn’t have learnt to battle
I wouldn’t have found my learning style or risen through the ranks
So for all my strengths and weaknesses, I will give thanks.

[Alucinary]

I think I like this most because I can relate to it personnally, I did however love the way it seemed so easy to read, I never had to double back or pause to work out the pattern - something rare for me. When I first saw it on the page (ie before actually reading) I thought to myself I recon those last stanzas would be a problem to highlight because they have longer lines, however when I got there it did actually work.

The only nit I did find to pick was I think you should remove the word "learning" and have it just " wouldn’t have found my style or risen through the ranks" this is partly from a content point of veiw but mainly just from sylablles (made the spelling up here so sorry if its wrong!) and flow

Anyway I'm becoming increasingly and admirer of your work with each one you put up, this being the best yet in my opinion

[arunansu]

I like the idea behind this. I feel "we" in S2L3 would be "they". For me, the poem ended after strophe six, what followed after that sounds too "prosy". It does not stick with the earlier half. Maybe, you could make two separate poems out of this one. Also, I would prefer S7 and S8 to have shorter line breaks. I feel there's no need (it's a question of personal choice, of course)for end rhymes in those two strophes. And never begin a strophe with a "But". You may use "Yet" instead.

I would have made them:

Now I’m a grown man
with accolades to my name
In the playground I learned to fight,
in the boardroom I honed my skills
While my mates carried knives
I waved a tongue of steel

Beneath this cloak of victory,
beats a heart of blame
When I request a report written,
I still feel pricks of shame
But I have learnt -
there are two sides to every coin.

Hope this helps.

[karalma]

Thanks for that Alucinary. It's great to have such positive feedback.

Arunansu the "we" in S2L3 was meant to show that the boy also wanted to know why he couldn't behave. I did have S7 & 8 exactly as you suggested but couldn't decide which I liked best. I was trying to show the difference between the two voices but maybe you were correct and i should have left it as it was.

cheers

[mesmie]

hello

Gut feeling was that there are two poems going on perhaps it is because of the longer lines...however I found this an enjoyable read that provoked much empathy Would you consider breaking it up into two I wonder?..


mes