First edit:
Last afternoon, my shikara gave in.
I sank into chilly waters of Dal lake,
swam with a family of red-bellied piranhas,
a pair of bull sharks eyed me casually.
I looked around for a mermaid!
I came across one stone castle, thumped its door,
but a heavy thud on my cranium
made me blind. When my eyes opened,
I noticed, I was resting among pillows
on the floor. Then it struck me
that I survived under water, without oxygen!
Original :
Last afternoon, my shikara gave in.
I sank into chilly waters of Dal lake, swam
amongst a family of red-bellied piranhas,
a pair of bull sharks eyed me casually.
I was in the hunt for a mermaid! I came across
one stone castle, thumped its door,
but a heavy thud on my pate
made me blind. When my eyes opened,
I noticed, I was resting on the floor.
Then it struck me - one could survive
under water, without oxygen!
Dal lake : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dal_Lake
Shikara : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shikara
Dreaming, on a houseboat (edited)
Last edited by arunansu on Sat Jan 10, 2009 12:55 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Aru
I like the images in the first part of the poem, and thought you have a nice overall feel about the piece. I am wondering if "pate" is a little obscure, for the sake of being obscure? Considering the
long list of alternative nouns that could have been used. It seems to jarr a little when I personally
can see no other reason for its use in respect of rhyme or structure.
There is a little confusion in the closing lines, it's a tight form and I felt that "resting on the floor"
in respect of being submerged, deserved to have a little more thought, put into that aspect.
I am assuming that the reason you suddenly in the poem decided to hunt for a mermaid, was the
finding one's self in a situation of either drowning or looking for a way to resolve this dire situation
in respect of being in an element that yields insufficient oxygen to sustain your life.
The point at which you open your eyes and are lying on the floor, it is unclear if you are, still in the
water or residing in a air pocket that is trapped within the setting.
I also have to assume that surviving without oxygen is a condition that has occurred, as a result of
the mythical ideas surrounding mermaids. I would have liked to have been shown in a subtle way,
that this is the case here, rather than having the statement, close the piece with me thinking well
that's a neat trick, and not really being able to have a concrete idea, as to why that could be the case.
Disregard as you wish, I simply thought that the piece could be improved with a little more work.
Thanks for an enjoyable read
Tim
I like the images in the first part of the poem, and thought you have a nice overall feel about the piece. I am wondering if "pate" is a little obscure, for the sake of being obscure? Considering the
long list of alternative nouns that could have been used. It seems to jarr a little when I personally
can see no other reason for its use in respect of rhyme or structure.
There is a little confusion in the closing lines, it's a tight form and I felt that "resting on the floor"
in respect of being submerged, deserved to have a little more thought, put into that aspect.
I am assuming that the reason you suddenly in the poem decided to hunt for a mermaid, was the
finding one's self in a situation of either drowning or looking for a way to resolve this dire situation
in respect of being in an element that yields insufficient oxygen to sustain your life.
The point at which you open your eyes and are lying on the floor, it is unclear if you are, still in the
water or residing in a air pocket that is trapped within the setting.
I also have to assume that surviving without oxygen is a condition that has occurred, as a result of
the mythical ideas surrounding mermaids. I would have liked to have been shown in a subtle way,
that this is the case here, rather than having the statement, close the piece with me thinking well
that's a neat trick, and not really being able to have a concrete idea, as to why that could be the case.
Disregard as you wish, I simply thought that the piece could be improved with a little more work.
Thanks for an enjoyable read
Tim
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch
Thanks Tim for stopping by and penning your thoughts. I agree, this can be bettered.
Hope to re-work on this soon.
Cheers.
Hope to re-work on this soon.
Cheers.
I have edited Dante. Wish to get some more views.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Aru
The small changes you have made, make a huge difference in respect of making the ideas
come through without the confusion that I felt in the previous version. Cranium, seems to
work with your other language, and somehow feels right in terms of the subject by nature of the
sounds it imparts. The closing lines, now give the reader something tangible to ponder, having
the idea of a mermaid in the earlier part of the poem. I think the revision is far better, and
like the original, imparts your usual deft pen in respect of rich imagery.
As you know, this is all a little subjective, and someone else may provide other thoughts.
all the best
Danté
The small changes you have made, make a huge difference in respect of making the ideas
come through without the confusion that I felt in the previous version. Cranium, seems to
work with your other language, and somehow feels right in terms of the subject by nature of the
sounds it imparts. The closing lines, now give the reader something tangible to ponder, having
the idea of a mermaid in the earlier part of the poem. I think the revision is far better, and
like the original, imparts your usual deft pen in respect of rich imagery.
As you know, this is all a little subjective, and someone else may provide other thoughts.
all the best
Danté
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch
Thanks Suzanne, Karalma & Tim. 