we in Luv, mum(bled)
Do I like this one ? Not sure. Yes, most of it I think. It deserves to be successful. So delicately understated with just the minimum of imagery. But is it a bit clever for the sake of it in places ? The title for instance ? 'room with a view - the cliche could have been avoided. I like the contrasting images contained in the next two lines. I don't understand why downstairs has been split the way it has. down ...stairs would have worked better but I do like the way it's visually presented - it makes the 'down' resonate like a drum. Did you intend 'say' and 'may' to rhyme immediately after you mention slant rhyme which I don't think should be hyphenated but no matter? I am confused by this reference to slant-rhyme here though but from this point on the poem works beautifully and I have this picture of a self-contained relationship which wants little from life except flora and socialism and I'm assuming it's the voice's 'mum' who's possibly bed-ridden or chronically ill. If this is not the case and this is the portrait of a couple then the title has mislead me and serves you right for being too clever.
'On certain evenings we find musicals' - what a brilliant ending ! - how loaded the word 'certain' is here. Yes, I do like this poem very much.
'On certain evenings we find musicals' - what a brilliant ending ! - how loaded the word 'certain' is here. Yes, I do like this poem very much.
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Ros
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Hi Callum, This has a very effective gentle feel to it, but I'm not sure what I'm getting from it. I don't understand the title, but I am assuming it's about a couple. I really like the idea of them existing only on socialism, a view and toilet paper.
and a great ending. So overall a great feel to it, a sense of peace, but, for me, too many bits that I couldn't get much sense from. Just my thoughts,
Rosemary
- I like the feel of this, but confess I'm not really getting any info from it. Why would it be slant rhyme? And if it were, so what? Is slant rhyme supposed to be superior/more obscure than other rhyme? I'm not sure how the reference to rhyme is any sort of metaphor for their internal life.Callum C wrote:downs - not sure of the purpose of this.
tairs. The world inside us. In Truth,
it would only be slant-rhyme to say
- not sure of the meaning of the repetition of pleasant. feel I should be learning something here, but I'm afraid I'm not.Callum C wrote: There is pleasant
weather; sometimes hail-storms on bright days
which are unusually pleasant.
and a great ending. So overall a great feel to it, a sense of peace, but, for me, too many bits that I couldn't get much sense from. Just my thoughts,
Rosemary
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
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BenJohnson
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By slant rhyme you mean less than perfect? Otherwise I fail to grasp the reason for it being there, it seems too much a technical term that is out of place. I am also curious to why truth is capitalised, I feel that I am missing something. I am left with the feeling like Nigel that it is a portrait of a self contained couple and fail also to grasp the meaning of the title, I don't get any parent/ child relationship from this.
I expect I will curse my denseness later
I expect I will curse my denseness later
I agree this is originally worked Callum.
Its certainly worth a little polish in places as the others have said, esp down...stairs.
Great ending but Im not madly keen on the title -the spelling of luv esp grates as nothing that follows has this type of spelling.
I have a feeling there is more to the rowan tree and marxism line than meets the eye - is there a Burns reference in it?
Only other comment is whether The world inside us is too tell-y for the poem. I almost have the feeling that is one of the themes that comes over from what else is written therefore why spell it out.
Very good and much enjoyed
elph
Its certainly worth a little polish in places as the others have said, esp down...stairs.
Great ending but Im not madly keen on the title -the spelling of luv esp grates as nothing that follows has this type of spelling.
I have a feeling there is more to the rowan tree and marxism line than meets the eye - is there a Burns reference in it?
Only other comment is whether The world inside us is too tell-y for the poem. I almost have the feeling that is one of the themes that comes over from what else is written therefore why spell it out.
Very good and much enjoyed
elph
Thanks for the comments, a bit too clever for its own good was near the mark
I'll try and explain the title: We in Luv,mum(bled) was supposed to be read in a few ways. We in love mumbled, and we are in love, mum bled.
The childishness of the grammer and the mis-spelling of love intend a few things; both the childishness and the originality of love and hopefully to convey the idea of childhood in general, It's also supposed to put the mother in the picture and (bled) conveys something of her feelings.
As far as downstairs goes, and it might well go, I split it up so it could be read as downstairs or downs and tairs (tears). The idea behind it, or at least the justification behind it, was that although it may not work it wouldn't disrupt the poem too much for the reader.
The reference to slant-rhyme is just an attempt to further illustrate the character of the narrator. I wanted to flesh things out using as few words as possible without departing from the conversational aspect of the poem.
Rowan trees and marxism, no reference that I'm aware of, just more character illustration and a bit of colour (albeit mostly red!)
The repetition of pleasant should hammer home pleasantries. I hope it didn't seem overpowering, I thought I got away with it. The unususally pleasant storms hint at something below the surface of which the narrator himself is unaware. The certain evenings represent the finest times in their lives.
There is another way to read it.
I'll try and explain the title: We in Luv,mum(bled) was supposed to be read in a few ways. We in love mumbled, and we are in love, mum bled.
The childishness of the grammer and the mis-spelling of love intend a few things; both the childishness and the originality of love and hopefully to convey the idea of childhood in general, It's also supposed to put the mother in the picture and (bled) conveys something of her feelings.
As far as downstairs goes, and it might well go, I split it up so it could be read as downstairs or downs and tairs (tears). The idea behind it, or at least the justification behind it, was that although it may not work it wouldn't disrupt the poem too much for the reader.
The reference to slant-rhyme is just an attempt to further illustrate the character of the narrator. I wanted to flesh things out using as few words as possible without departing from the conversational aspect of the poem.
Rowan trees and marxism, no reference that I'm aware of, just more character illustration and a bit of colour (albeit mostly red!)
The repetition of pleasant should hammer home pleasantries. I hope it didn't seem overpowering, I thought I got away with it. The unususally pleasant storms hint at something below the surface of which the narrator himself is unaware. The certain evenings represent the finest times in their lives.
There is another way to read it.