Quirks
I've always talked
too much, listening to her
expose herself I knew
she was going to hurt later
but there was no stopping me,
I was determined to change
into something
from the inside out
and that meant disclosure.
__________________
I've always
talked too much,
listening to her
expose herself
I knew she
was going to
hurt later but
there was
no stopping me,
I was determined
to change
into something
from the inside out
and that meant disclosure.
Quirks- edit
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I really liked this.
In some ways I like how the structure works; narrow designs often offer up a surprise or two, but I am known far and wide for my distrust of them.
I especially liked 'listening to her / expose herself' and 'from the inside out / and that meant disclosure'. An interesting couple of lines, and an ending which eloquently and succinctly closes the poem. I enjoyed reading it over and over =]
In some ways I like how the structure works; narrow designs often offer up a surprise or two, but I am known far and wide for my distrust of them.
I especially liked 'listening to her / expose herself' and 'from the inside out / and that meant disclosure'. An interesting couple of lines, and an ending which eloquently and succinctly closes the poem. I enjoyed reading it over and over =]
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Thats so Weird Suzanne! I just wrote a poem with this exact type of structure!!
There's something so addictively primal and instinctual about writing in this format that lets you get out your ideas in a really no-frills no-nonsense kind of manner. It's really liberating.
That considered it shows how well you did in pick a form to suit your subject matter, which I was taking to entail a darker or stronger side of one's personality surfacing which is mirrored in this most natural type of word flow.
Having said that however, I still think it retains the Suzanne seal of refinement throughout, so it really is a remarkable thing.
Nice work! I'm so thrilled you wrote a poem in this style, but also a little spooked that we both wrote one in such a close window! Great minds and all that!
All the best
Phil
There's something so addictively primal and instinctual about writing in this format that lets you get out your ideas in a really no-frills no-nonsense kind of manner. It's really liberating.
That considered it shows how well you did in pick a form to suit your subject matter, which I was taking to entail a darker or stronger side of one's personality surfacing which is mirrored in this most natural type of word flow.
Having said that however, I still think it retains the Suzanne seal of refinement throughout, so it really is a remarkable thing.
Nice work! I'm so thrilled you wrote a poem in this style, but also a little spooked that we both wrote one in such a close window! Great minds and all that!
All the best
Phil
Specto Nusquam
Suzanne
Very instinctively written and I think that helps the immediacy of this piece.
I have to disagree on structure though - endings like to/but/was are weak ones. I am no expert on enjambment but someone once observed that each line should contain a thought and I quite like that idea as a base. Here's my thoughts
I've always talked
too much, listening to her
expose herself I knew
she was going to hurt later
but there was no stopping me,
I was determined to change
into something
from the inside out
and that meant disclosure.
Oh and I've always talked too much is the first line of a Joni Mitchell song but I wish I could remember which one.
elph
Very instinctively written and I think that helps the immediacy of this piece.
I have to disagree on structure though - endings like to/but/was are weak ones. I am no expert on enjambment but someone once observed that each line should contain a thought and I quite like that idea as a base. Here's my thoughts
I've always talked
too much, listening to her
expose herself I knew
she was going to hurt later
but there was no stopping me,
I was determined to change
into something
from the inside out
and that meant disclosure.
Oh and I've always talked too much is the first line of a Joni Mitchell song but I wish I could remember which one.
elph
Dear Suzanne,
I liked the piece. I'm with Elphin regarding the line breaks. Enjoyed.
I liked the piece. I'm with Elphin regarding the line breaks. Enjoyed.
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This is good, Suzanne. If you changed "expose herself" for self-exposure you'd have a distant rhyme with disclosure. If you wanted it.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
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For me, the only problem would be line breaks, not sure I read this smoothly with your's or Elph's, but ignoring those I wouldn't change a word, very nicely written.
A wonderful ending.I was determined
to change
into something
from the inside out
and that meant disclosure.
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Thanks for all of this marvelous feedback!
It has been a good learning experience for me. I do not think about structure when I chop my poems into lines, I think about the way that I would naturally pause if I were saying it a loud. .. I chop the lines by my internal ear, lol , which is rather random and untrained!
I am new to poetry and don't know the loose rules one could follow, I appreciate the tips and will educate myself enough to know if I want to bend them and when... that is always a good thing.
I will look and rethink the lines. Thanks again all for the encouragment. It is really appreciated.
Warmly,
Suzanne
It has been a good learning experience for me. I do not think about structure when I chop my poems into lines, I think about the way that I would naturally pause if I were saying it a loud. .. I chop the lines by my internal ear, lol , which is rather random and untrained!
I am new to poetry and don't know the loose rules one could follow, I appreciate the tips and will educate myself enough to know if I want to bend them and when... that is always a good thing.
I will look and rethink the lines. Thanks again all for the encouragment. It is really appreciated.
Warmly,
Suzanne
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Hello-
I have thought about the sturucture of this and have changed as Elph has suggested. I think that it makes a subtle difference in the read but adds to the overall package. I want to thank everyone who has thrown in tips and ideas about this. It has been very insíghtful.
Warmly,
Suzanne
I have thought about the sturucture of this and have changed as Elph has suggested. I think that it makes a subtle difference in the read but adds to the overall package. I want to thank everyone who has thrown in tips and ideas about this. It has been very insíghtful.
Warmly,
Suzanne