haven't posted one for a while... here goes
I am a mourning person.
Isn’t there something about the day as it
Shatters again, slowly
Like the crazing of an ancient teacup
Fragile and stately,
Sturdy as the Word,
Tinkling
Like shards of expectation?
Jingling, through the chimney
To rewrap the dead strewn under the tree?
Fast broken, first breaking --
Still, promise churns in the wake of morning.
joy comes
Hi. I like this. The first line came across to me as rather a tired pun and I don't think it adds to the poem.
But then you do great things with the funny old idea of day "breaking". And I love the slightly offbeat inflection: "crazing" and "rewrap".
This poem is a real curio; very entertaining (but lose line 1).
But then you do great things with the funny old idea of day "breaking". And I love the slightly offbeat inflection: "crazing" and "rewrap".
This poem is a real curio; very entertaining (but lose line 1).
fine words butter no parsnips
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I really liked this! It really pushed all my buttons!
I especially liked the last line
"Still, promise churns in the wake of morning."
Which I found eerily up beat, which came in stark contrast to the rest of your bleak yet soulful imagery!
Your punctuation was flawlessly placed too, and I loved the word choice for "stately"
A small point that makes very little difference but, I was just wondering if you would the phonics of:
"Fast broken, first breaking"
in contrast to
"Fast broken, first to break"
And what you think about them?
Loved this poem! Can't wait to read more!
All the best
Phil
I especially liked the last line
"Still, promise churns in the wake of morning."
Which I found eerily up beat, which came in stark contrast to the rest of your bleak yet soulful imagery!
Your punctuation was flawlessly placed too, and I loved the word choice for "stately"
A small point that makes very little difference but, I was just wondering if you would the phonics of:
"Fast broken, first breaking"
in contrast to
"Fast broken, first to break"
And what you think about them?
Loved this poem! Can't wait to read more!
All the best
Phil
Specto Nusquam
I liked this, and like others have pondered the first line.
It seems that you want to tie the dead to the N, in a tangible way.
That is really the only element of the poem that does so, and it does alter the poem a fair bit.
I deliberately read the poem with the first line obscured for my initial reading of the piece.
The line breaks and images are tight and deliver well, personally I like it with or without that
first line, and can't really say with any certainty which is best now that I know its content.
thanks
Danté
It seems that you want to tie the dead to the N, in a tangible way.
That is really the only element of the poem that does so, and it does alter the poem a fair bit.
I deliberately read the poem with the first line obscured for my initial reading of the piece.
The line breaks and images are tight and deliver well, personally I like it with or without that
first line, and can't really say with any certainty which is best now that I know its content.
thanks
Danté
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch
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thanks for weighing in, dante, but i must confess i didn't understand your comment. (sorry, a little slow...) i'd love to spill where this poem was coming from, but it's always fun to see how it's being read first...Danté wrote:It seems that you want to tie the dead to the N, in a tangible way.
-c
I was meaning "I am a mourning person" "the dead strewn under the tree"
There is an implied link between the two lines, mourning and dead are often associated with each other.
Hope that is clearer, N = narator.
thanks
Danté
There is an implied link between the two lines, mourning and dead are often associated with each other.
Hope that is clearer, N = narator.
thanks
Danté
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch
have just re-read .. this reminds me a little of a few poems about autumn/fall that i've written ... i like the use of mo/u/rning and wake; life cycles are innately hopeful aren't they? *smiles
i think the only nit growing on me would be S2 and the repeated use of "like" ... i'd prefer that/them to go - but that's just my taste so don't mind me, especially as it would probably entail a rewrite of that section ... *grin
i think the only nit growing on me would be S2 and the repeated use of "like" ... i'd prefer that/them to go - but that's just my taste so don't mind me, especially as it would probably entail a rewrite of that section ... *grin