reach - water loss

[Yesterday]

towling between your fingers,
rubbing away small droptlets that never exsisted
small quirks
that make you real

butterflys in the sink,
searching for water,
where the tap is dry and dusty
and would yeild no liquid

finger prints on the dirt
smudged jeans - like an eraser had half rubbed you out
crockery shattered - blue and white reflecting brightly
fingers reached out to hold the mug's ear
coffee leaves small stains - like blood
as the earth greedly sucks it in

[unchained soul]

Hi Yesterday,

Might be just me but I found the poem very abstract. Very good imagery though. I really liked "butterflys in the sink,
searching for water," and "coffee leaves small stains - like blood
as the earth greedly sucks it in".
Overall a good poem.

Keep it up.

Rach

[Yesterday]

thanx

yes - it is very abstract - written just because

[Bombadil]

Ooh. I like this one.

Butterflies in the sink is to be applauded.

Still just beneath that it halts:

butterfl(ie)s in the sink,
searching for water,
where the tap is dry and dusty
and would yield no liquid

It's stalled by the tenses...

The tap IS dry and dusty
and yields no liquid

I think is better. Still very nice.

Cheers,

Keith

[dillingworth]

or, better still (imho):

butterflies in the sink,
searching for water,
the tap dry and dusty,
yielding no liquid.

[Yesterday]

thanx!

i think i get what you mean, it does stunt it a bit.

Towelling between your fingers,
Rubbing away small droplets that never existed.
Small quirks,
That make you real.

Butterflies in the sink,
Searching for water,
The tap dry and dusty,
Yielding no liquid.

Finger prints on the dirt.
Smudged jeans - like an eraser half rubbed you out.
Crockery shattered – blue, white shards reflecting brightly.
Fingers reached out to hold the mug's ear.
Coffee leaves small stains - like blood,
As the earth greedily sucks it in.

you know i think i've got a thing with butterflies at the moment - a muse maybe - sorta weird since i haven't seen one for a while....
the mind works in mysterious ways

i think the first verse doesn't really fit with the others, i mean - there all about water - or the lack of it - i don't know

what do you think?

ps - anyone got a better title for this poem?

[moniquejade]

I agree that this poem was quite abstract and intresting. I like that. best wishes - mj (Maybe the poem should just be titled - water loss?)

[seeksthebalance]

I'm a huge fan of this with the revisions to the second stanza. It flows well and the imagery is beautiful. I'm a fan of abstraction too I especially like the final few lines:

Fingers reached out to hold the mug's ear.
Coffee leaves small stains - like blood,
As the earth greedily sucks it in.

I look forward to reading more Yesterday.

Seeks.

[Yesterday]

thanx guys, i really apreciate it

i'll probably have the title water loss for the poem.
i was thinking of entering it into a kids page for a poem & story comp, but i don't really think it would get far, i have a feeling they just wouldn't get something like this comin from a 'kid'

do you think its worth it>?