7/101

[thoke]

7/101*

The drains are clogged with your grey matter.
The books you write are full of footnotes,
all your poems rhyme and all the meals you cook
are full of herbs. I had a quick look
at your interior design,
and I have to say I thought the colours were far too complementary.
Everything goes together; you bought the whole package.
Timid, hunched and common sensical,
you lurch through life like a happy slave.
Your small thoughts
are cacking up the carpet.

_________________
*See '1/101': viewtopic.php?f=20&t=8708

(This is an expression of lonely hatred.)

[ray miller]

Positively 4th Street! I like this a lot though not sure of the beginning and the end. Drains clogged with grey matter? Small thoughts cacking up carpet? I especially liked lines 2 to 6. Just venomous enough. Is this the one?

[thoke]

Positively 4th Street!

Drains clogged with grey matter?

Recently my drain was literally clogged up with some unidentifiable grey matter. But here I mean something like, "you left your brain in the sink". Does that help, or should I consider deleting it?

Small thoughts cacking up carpet?

Too many boring, obvious observations making a mess of our conversations. I liked those lines, but if they don't make sense to the reader then I suppose I should reconsider.

Is this the one?

The what?

Thanks for the comment,
Ben

[Callum C]

Something in the style and tone of this reminds me of Allen Ginsberg, which is no bad thing! To me, you get your point across entirely without wasting words. So job done!

One thing I did want to say, by way of a criticism, involves line 7; I'm not sure if you need the phrase "Everything goes together" with what precedes and follows, you're almost giving us that. Anyway, a minor point, I really enjoyed your poem; it never threatened to cross over into the realms of 'the rant'!

[David]

101? Balls! Who needs 101? This is a cracker already (which is what I think Ray means by "Is this the one?").

A resounding demonstration of the virtue of regular writing, Ben. It's very good.

Although ... I think the last three lines are the weakest, and line 1 isn't great either. Which is pretty much what Ray said, really.

But ... very good indeed.

Cheers

David

[OwenEdwards]

Why do people steal my brilliant critical thoughts before I post them?

Cut the first line. I don't hate the last couplet though it's not perfect. I did have an issue with:

Timid, hunched and common sensical,
you lurch through life like a happy slave.

I think that's already obvious. I'd cut it.

I liked it a lot though, really quite amusing.

[oranggunung]

Ben

Just one thought, concerning the first and last lines: make them more personal.

Instead of ‘the’ drains and ‘the’ carpet, could you link these images to the narrator?

That would add a little more fire to the fury, imho.


In the case of L1, would “My brain’s” work instead of “the drains”?


Perhaps ditch the telly lines. (7-9)


Marks for this - well in excess of 7/101


og

[thoke]

Thanks for all the comments.

I see the point about the first line and the last lines, but if I delete all of them, there won't be much left! Also, I think the least popular lines are my favourites, which is a shame. I'm glad people like the poem, but if they only like it for lines 2-6, then I'm not really sure why. It's just the same joke made four times.

I won't just omit chunks of the poem. But I will try something more along the lines of what og suggests.

Perhaps ditch the telly lines. (7-9)

What do you mean "telly"? I remember hearing that word a lot at poetsgraves, but I don't think I know what it means in this context.

Ben

[twoleftfeet]

Ben,

I can see that any form of conformity for you is like a red rag to a bull, and long may it continue.
I like this, especially the use of complementary

I think the object of your uncomplimentary thoughts should read the books rather than write them, since
writing books with footnotes is, in my book, quite a feat.

Nice one
Geoff

[stuartryder]

Ben

Having just read your mission statement on Beginners, I now understand the title and I think your many-branched proposal is bearing fruit. A cool poem - though I am looking forward to 49/101 where you really start to set out the forms.

Cheers

Stuart

[thoke]

I like this, especially the use of complementary

Ah... was that a typo? Would it normally be 'complimentary'? If so, I'm not being clever or anything, it's just a typo.

I can see that any form of conformity for you is like a red rag to a bull...

That's basically right, yes. I want to do what works, rather than do the done thing. I'll conform to a rule if it works.

I think the object of your uncomplimentary thoughts should read the books rather than write them, since
writing books with footnotes is, in my book, quite a feat.

You've lost me a bit. The person who writes books with footnotes should read books rather than write them, because writing books with footnotes is quite a feat? I don't understand.

The footnotes bit is supposed to suggest that the object of the poem lacks intellectual confidence and is tentative with his/her thoughts. The footnotes represent indecisiveness.

Thanks, Stuart too.

Ben

[dedalus]

Wow! I get the whiff of drains here. Controlled anger. I get the impression you are writing a series (looking at the numbers, like, duhh!) and I'll have to go back and start from the beginning. I will, too. Don't know what I'll say at the end of it ... how can I? Haven't gone there yet.

Cheers, Brendan

[Basnik]

Hi,

I would champion the last couplet - judicious use of 'cacking' I thought! Makes a great contemptuous sound with carpet.

I think you're harsh on the footnotes - to be rigorous doesn't seem the same extent a crime as being overdetermined in the field of interior design like having co-ordinated wallpaper etc, which is a hanging offense. I thought the line, 'and I have to say I thought the colours were far too complementary.' is too sprawly and prose-like in an otherwise quite tight poem (although you could justify it as being funny!).

I agree with others that 'Everything goes together' feels redundant. Also, if you made the simile 'like a happy slave' into a metaphor ' a happy slave' then it would be stronger, more direct and a secondary benefit would be you could lose the 'are' in the last line, creating a strong trochee that would give your last line even more force.

Liked the quiet venom though!

Basnik

[thoke]

The footnotes are a metaphor for indecisiveness. Footnotes are fine, indecisiveness is boring.

Thanks for the tips, I'll come back to this soon.

Ben