How to make a world

[Ros]

How to Make a World
or Abiogenesis for Beginners

Take a spinning ball of dust and gas
and allow to coalesce; cool it for an aeon.
When it settles smash it with a sphere of rock
to make a moon. Season with organic molecules
from the most exotic clouds and leave to brew.
After half a billion years stir the anoxic oceans
and check the prokaryotic stew. Simmer
for nine times longer then take a stick
of glory and coruscate their darkened skies.
Observe the bipeds scramble to their feet
and shred their prophesies.
Laugh as they worship you.


It's a short 'how to' poem for a writing challenge, if that helps at all!

[Wabznasm]

LIked it Ros.

It's a good competition piece because it takes the topic a little further than what might be expected, if you know what I mean. Nothing like a little bit of blasphemy!

If I was to suggest something, it would be to make this even smarter by re-arranging the lines so that the stanza resembles a globe by shape, also. A start:

----------------Take a spinning ball
-------------of dust and gas and allow
----------to coalesce; cool it for an aeon.
--------When it settles smash it with a ball
------of rock, etc

Dave

[Sharra]

I thought this worked well, I liked the recipe style you've used, and I just loved the line'coruscate their darkened skies' .
The last three lines are a great ending.
Sharra
x

[BenJohnson]

It is good, I would be interested to know what the restrictions of this competition were. My sole critique is the repeat of 'ball' so soon. For some reason it irritated me, not sure why , maybe globe in one instance? Other than that I loved the approach and as already mentioned the ending is great.

[Ros]

Dave, thanks, they need a little blasphemy to even things out at present, if you see what I mean! A globe shape, hadn't thought of that...

Sharra, Ben, thanks - point taken Ben, I shall change it to sphere I think.

[PhilipCFJohnson]

Very well conceived and constructed!
I especially liked the line(s):

"...season with organic molecules
from the most exotic clouds and leave to brew"

It has a nice phonic and also implies the archaic and stereotypical image of heaven without leaning on it!

Some interesting and controversial ideas toward the end, "shred their prophesies" was a very well put line.

All the best
Phil

[Callum C]

I really dislike this kind of quasi-scientific stuff in poetry; it just screams pompous wordiness. I do believe in simplicity, accessibility and purpose. I'm not sure this displays any of those three things. There's no art in it!

I've read some decent stuff you've written, what's the point of this? I'm not trying to be unfair, it's an honest question.

What did you gain from the writing of this? What do you expect others to gain from it?

I'm not talking about this site, what if you were to show this to someone, say, in their middle age who reads a lot of poetry. How do you think they would respond? Seriously, ask yourself.

[Sharra]

what if you were to show this to someone, say, in their middle age who reads a lot of poetry. How do you think they would respond?

I think that probably includes a fair few people on here

Callum, please explain how your response could possibly be construed as a poetry crit? In what way are you helping Ros to improve her poetry writing?
Sharra
xx

[PhilipCFJohnson]

what if you were to show this to someone, say, in their middle age who reads a lot of poetry. How do you think they would respond?

I think that probably includes a fair few people on here

Callum, please explain how your response could possibly be construed as a poetry crit? In what way are you helping Ros to improve her poetry writing?
Sharra
xx

Indeed. I think our friend could use some diplomacy.

But on a more pointed note, I think most people on this forum class themselves as contemporary poets. This is no doubt contemporary in style. In addition Ros already stated she was writing the poem to the pre-allocated specifications of the competition.

[David]

Callum will be spending some time on the naughty step. He'll be allowed to join in again later if he promises to play nice.

[Ros]

I really dislike this kind of quasi-scientific stuff in poetry; it just screams pompous wordiness. I do believe in simplicity, accessibility and purpose. I'm not sure this displays any of those three things. There's no art in it!

I've read some decent stuff you've written, what's the point of this? I'm not trying to be unfair, it's an honest question.

What did you gain from the writing of this? What do you expect others to gain from it?

I'm not talking about this site, what if you were to show this to someone, say, in their middle age who reads a lot of poetry. How do you think they would respond? Seriously, ask yourself.

Ok... to take your last point first, that would pretty much be me! and, as others have said, many here!

I take issue with quasi-scientific linked to pompous wordiness. One can be one or the other or both, I don't think they necessarily go together. Personally, I like the sound and feel of long and 'clever' words - you don't, fine. But you haven't given me a real reason for not using them, other than that, what, you don't understand them on first read?

Purpose? in this case, the restrictions of the challenge. It was fun, it may amuse others. No, there are no great metaphorical insights. Perhaps a desire to challenge some of the overly religious poems being posted on the site in question - I have tried to stick to scientific facts, loosely, in the first part.

Personally, if I see a poem that means nothing to me, (and it's not infrequent) and I have nothing constructive to say, I say nothing...

[ray miller]

Well, I liked it, clever and funny.At "When it settles smash it with a sphere of rock..." I had the urge to do just that! Here's my stupidity, what's prokaryotic?Is there actually such a thing as a stick of glory?If so, what is it?

[Ros]

Thanks, ray. Prokaryotes - generally single-celled tiny organisms, like bacteria (and archaea which are also tiny single celled things, but tend to live at extremes - high heat, great pressure, etc). They arose before multi-celled creatures, probably as some sort of slimy film on rocks or wherever.

Stick of glory - ok, I made that one up. Sounds like the sort of thing a creator of worlds ought to have, though. Long, stick-shaped, and made of glory. Whatever that is.