Wandering With Revision

[mesmie]

Original

I know myself no better than a wife
or the man who delivers the mail.
Diplomatic gestures dramatize my
incompetent tongue. I hunger
in this illogical place, idle thoughts
are the flit of my detachment.

And it's too late, night falls
over the curving edge of air
where the madwoman
clutches a bucket, grapples
for an answer in the grass.

Revision

I know myself no better than a wife
or the man who delivers mail.
Hand-gestures cannot dramatize
my incompetent tongue. In this
illogical place, idle thoughts
are the flit of my detachment.

And it's too late, night falls
over a curving edge of air
where the madwoman
clutches a bucket, grapples
for answers in the grass.

[David]

Now, what's going on here, then? I'm not entirely sure, but there are some lovely lines - I like night falls / over the curving edge of air.

Cheers

David

[Suzanne]

Mesmie,
This is spectacular. I am not exactly sure of the details of what is happening but the mood and the voice you have captured brought a "wow" to my lips on the first read. I have to say that, as a one with greying hair, I can see some hormonal influences may be having an impact in this mad bucket clutching woman, ... it seems somehow familiar. lol!

I enjoyed the second section best, every word.
Mesmie, you are shining these days. Very enjoyable write.

Warmly,
Suzanne

[Tramontane]

I felt the following when i read this;

wandering as in concentration

Diplomatic gestures dramatize
my incompetent tongue. I hunger
in this illogical place, idle
thoughts flit into detachment.

maybe the thoughts of someone working in DFS on a sunday afternoon as some one complains to them.

I like the imagery of the mad woman and seeking an anwser from grass

where the mad woman
clutches a bucket, grapples
for an answer in the grass

it would from my perspective maybe benefit it to have evolved into a more complete message with another verse
to conclude.but some nice lines in there.

[arunansu]

"Diplomatic gestures dramatize
my incompetent tongue." -Wow! I should be thinking more on this piece. On the first read, it tells me of a person trying hard to find some solution to some problem. Intriguing write.

[Raisin]

Hi Mesmie,

I really enjoyed this, there seems to be a mix of emotions and the confusion of words help to add to it. I think its hard to find a meaning in this but that's one of the reasons for why I like it, it's very illusive.

Like David I like "over the curving edige of air", and also the part about the mad woman, that's a nice bit of imagery.

I think you might want to put an "and" before "grapples", to connect it to the woman, I think that this would be clearer that it's still her moving.
Also maybe a "while" before the "idle"? This might read a bit better and I think it continues on after that.

I love the language that you've used in this, nice work

Raisin

[mesmie]

David many thanks for liking that line one of my faves too as for whats going on hmmm...dunno really more a feeling?..

[mesmie]

hi Suz

But..but there is a hole in my bucket!! and I believe your interpretation is very much possibly and probably the right one!

thanks for the reply

[mesmie]

Tranontane

Thanks for your time and for finding something within this...My idea was to leave the reader hanging I have a vicious streak! (not really) I was worried that another verse would actually ground this one too much. Does that make sense?

again cheers for your time

mes

[mesmie]

Aru

Thankyou for finding it so! am well pleased if the word intriguing applies


mes

[mesmie]

Raisin

Cheers for that considered reply and I have altered as per your suggestions..I am so pleased you enjoyed

[Suzanne]

Mesmie,
I am checking in again.... just to say this:

I know myself no better than a wife
or the man who delivers the mail.

I love this line.

Diplomatic gestures dramatize
my incompetent tongue.


I love this line.

I hunger
in this illogical place while idle
thoughts flit into detachment.

and I love this line.



Very good words all in the right order.
and... I think I have a hole in my bucket, too!
Suzanne

[mesmie]

then mend it dear suz!

I have made some small alterations which I hope connect the lines a little more.. thanks for your interest with
this one.

regards
mes

[Elphin]

Mesmie

Some clever ideas and images working here but Id say its sufferng from inconsistency in the voice and the rhythm.

I liked the opening two lines - simple language conveying a clear idea in a consistent rhythm. Then it broke down, became complex language, overly descriptive, no rhythm and a vague idea. Then for the rest of the stanza you are back in more conversational style.

Does that make sense? Consistency in the poems voice i think is critical - IMHO and offered as a constructive thought

elph

[mesmie]

Elph

As always I am pleased when you visit and yes, I hear you, I should really put this away and think on it some more..most probably when my head isn't battered!!

thanks for your time
mes

[Cooper]

Hello Mesmie..

I've read this one a few times now and have enjoyed it from the off. Im not sure if I understand entirely whats going on, it's telling a personal tale wrapped up in personal metaphors. I paticually liked the meter and structure of the poem, syntax was good. (is that the word for sentence/word order? should bloody know really). Some great images, my favourites at the beginning., cool poem all in all, keep it up. and thanks for the comment u made on my last.

jack

[mesmie]

Cooper

You are asking the wrong woman here about syntax and such like...sadly I too should know but stand with head bowed as I am a lazy git! I am pleased you have enjoyed this one and ta for the reply.

mes

[Danté]

mesmie

I have been meaning to reply to this for days. Life has been a bit mad, but better late than never.
The impression I got from the original read was a little vague but left me with satisfaction
because the images were good. The revision works better, in depicting self worth/percieved shortcomings
and grappling for answers, I think.
I like the structure and the word order you have chosen.
Good stuff, really enjoyable.

Danté

[mesmie]

Dante

I am always chuffed when you drop by and more so when you find something worthwhile in my writes
thanks


warmly
mes