Words Damage

[dirbax]

Hi friends



I remember someone , calling me a rust
Apologizing later on , my ears were closed
The damage was done , my life was lost

Telling this story to even a nun , laugh is a must
Saying no joke man , it's nothing more than just ...
Watching tragedy is fun , living it makes soul going bust


Some words spelt down , reduce life to simple dust
Cause dreams to be mown , despair growing fast
Make Heart as a stone , losing all whole lust

I decided on my own , to not make it last
Taking lesson from this one , Change is a must
This is a new dawn , making my horizon so vast


Author : Mr Dirbaxer
Source: http://www.dirbax.com/my-writings/poems ... amage.html

[Lovely]

This is cool. I won't go into it but I like it. Read into it more me for mercury rolling.

A nice piece here, abundant of feeling.......nice to see you again.... missed you.

I look at your work and often tremble for the next.




LOL, DJL

[Cryptic Cadence]

Hi Dirbax, I like this poem in some ways, it's got a rap kind of rhythm to it, but you do need to fix up some lines to make it flow better. Consider changing the end of the second line in S1, the entire poem rhymes, except that line.

"Taking lesson from this one" ?? - Perhaps "taking lessons from this, so change is a must"

S3, Line 3: "living it makes soul go bust" instead of "living it makes soul going bust".

I think this is a great upbeat poem, it's simple and gets to the point, you've got some interesting lines like "some words spelt down" - not entirely sure what you mean there, but it certainly flows well with "reduce life to simple dust". What I like most in this is the positivity, peppered with some interesting takes on tragedy and its comic nature, and also the parallel between grass and your dreams (cutting and growing)

Are you entirely happy with the title?

[backinblack]

Hi,I like the structure and themes here.
I thought it was a really good read.
nice one.

Binb.

[John G]

I enjoyed the flow of this but I persoanlly have a problem with poems that rhythm all the time!

Soemtimes I think that by ending each line so it rhythms with the last can lead to the poem seeming forced, but hey thats my opinion.