eject out
reverse back
descend down
of these three are wasted
words that add no meaning
so let them languish in
a library of such trinities
with God the Father…...and
I love you.
Trinity
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nar
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Elphin,
This is very powerful stuff.
And here was me waiting for "Ban the Bomb" or "Socorro", on the Trinity reference.
The l/b between 'wasted' and 'words' is perfect.
If only "God the Father" was 3 syllables too!
Nothing else to add.
Very much enjoyed.
- Neil.
This is very powerful stuff.
And here was me waiting for "Ban the Bomb" or "Socorro", on the Trinity reference.
The l/b between 'wasted' and 'words' is perfect.
If only "God the Father" was 3 syllables too!
Nothing else to add.
Very much enjoyed.
- Neil.
Last edited by nar on Tue Mar 17, 2009 9:52 am, edited 1 time in total.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left. (Bertrand Russell)
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BenJohnson
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I hate these sort of poems. They look lightweight yet knock you to the floor with one punch. The worst bit is you can never figure out quite how.
Very well constructed.
Very well constructed.
Hi elph,
really liked this. When I read the first stanza I was thinking 'surely not' then it all became clear.
I can't see anything that needs improvement; it is what it is. Three stanzas, three lines, perfect from every angle I'd say.
You bloody cynic!
really liked this. When I read the first stanza I was thinking 'surely not' then it all became clear.
I can't see anything that needs improvement; it is what it is. Three stanzas, three lines, perfect from every angle I'd say.
You bloody cynic!
Hi Elph,
Little to add really here, other than another kudos.
S1 is very clever in general, but works well when S2 reflects on it.
I wanted a comma after 'meaning' in S2, but I think the slightly tongue-tied approach reflects the content nicely really.
S3 is well put. The last line almost hooks the whole poem into just being about love particularly, but I think the rest of the poem is strong enough to keep it as 'just' a great example to finish on.
Good read Elph, love's a bitch...
Tom
Little to add really here, other than another kudos.
S1 is very clever in general, but works well when S2 reflects on it.
I wanted a comma after 'meaning' in S2, but I think the slightly tongue-tied approach reflects the content nicely really.
S3 is well put. The last line almost hooks the whole poem into just being about love particularly, but I think the rest of the poem is strong enough to keep it as 'just' a great example to finish on.
Good read Elph, love's a bitch...
Tom
meh and bah are wonderful words
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Sharra
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I relly liked this. As Ben said, it looks deceptively simple, but packs a punch.
It's so tightly constructed its hard to suggest any changes - but my only real nit would be that I wanted three things in the last stanza, not just 2 of 3 words. Of course you'd need to be really clever to stop it messing up your 3 line, 3 stanza form if you did that.
Oh, and I wanted to put a comma after these in S2.
Sharra
x
It's so tightly constructed its hard to suggest any changes - but my only real nit would be that I wanted three things in the last stanza, not just 2 of 3 words. Of course you'd need to be really clever to stop it messing up your 3 line, 3 stanza form if you did that.
Oh, and I wanted to put a comma after these in S2.
Sharra
x
Last edited by Sharra on Tue Mar 17, 2009 10:27 am, edited 1 time in total.
It is at the edge of the
petal that love waits
petal that love waits
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Cryptic Cadence
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Could someone be kind enough to explain this poem to me, I have absolutely no idea what this is about, first and only thing that comes to mind is the Trinity in terms of Christianity.
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BenJohnson
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A trinity is a group of three, the best known is perhaps the Holy Trinity. First stanza a group of three pairs of words. Second stanza tells us that one word out of each pair is redundant. Final stanza tells us that they should join other redundant trinities and gives us two example phrases which the author feels are redundant.
Clear enough?
Clear enough?
I, er, don't think I really like it Elph. Sorry.
It starts off in linguistic whimsy and ends up in a sort of self-pitying teenage disavowal of all things holy. I've got no problem with what the poem is saying, it doesn't upset my sensibilities or anything, but the dejected melancholy of it all, especially with the whimper of the last line, seems too much like what I'd find in a thoughtful teenager's blog on facebook.
I think my problem is that it's anchored by the title, and that in effect is a pun on the idea of Trinity. I can't quite see the destruction of god and love through a pun/title. Sure, you're not actively destroying these things, but it wears its iconoclasm pretty openly.
So, er, sorry Elph. you know I always admire the vigour and carefulness of your writing, but this misses the mark for me. I think there IS a way to speak about these sorts of thigns seriously, and perhaps you have something to work on here, but I think you still need to investigate ways of writing about this sort of thing. It needs a lot (Sean O'Brien, in my opinion, attempts these biggies pretty decently in 'The Drowned Book' - have a look maybe).
Dave
EDIT Hmmm, I feel like a dickhead for writing the above, but I can't quite bring myself to shut out honesty for this one.
It starts off in linguistic whimsy and ends up in a sort of self-pitying teenage disavowal of all things holy. I've got no problem with what the poem is saying, it doesn't upset my sensibilities or anything, but the dejected melancholy of it all, especially with the whimper of the last line, seems too much like what I'd find in a thoughtful teenager's blog on facebook.
I think my problem is that it's anchored by the title, and that in effect is a pun on the idea of Trinity. I can't quite see the destruction of god and love through a pun/title. Sure, you're not actively destroying these things, but it wears its iconoclasm pretty openly.
So, er, sorry Elph. you know I always admire the vigour and carefulness of your writing, but this misses the mark for me. I think there IS a way to speak about these sorts of thigns seriously, and perhaps you have something to work on here, but I think you still need to investigate ways of writing about this sort of thing. It needs a lot (Sean O'Brien, in my opinion, attempts these biggies pretty decently in 'The Drowned Book' - have a look maybe).
Dave
EDIT Hmmm, I feel like a dickhead for writing the above, but I can't quite bring myself to shut out honesty for this one.
I'm having a logical problem with this one, Elph.
eject out
reverse back
descend down
- okay, there are redundant words in all of those phrases.
I don't quite see the parallel with God the Father…...and / I love you. There don't (to me) appear to be similarly superfluous words in those.
"Eject" is a word that does not require "out", agreed. I suppose you could argue that, in the same way, "God" is a word that does not require "the Father", although you'd have to be of a rather patriarchal frame of mind to do so. Same, but more so, for "I love you", but you might be justified in saying that, for instance, "me and you" is another phrase in which the one implies the other. You big uxorious softy you.
Or maybe I'm just being too insufferably pedantic. I do that, as you know.
Tis a very nice idea, though. And the whole thing moves and breathes very pleasingly.
Cheers
David
P.S. Just seen Wab's comments. I've got my own take on it - see above - but, FYI, I didn't think much of The Drowned Book. Horses and courses, eh?
eject out
reverse back
descend down
- okay, there are redundant words in all of those phrases.
I don't quite see the parallel with God the Father…...and / I love you. There don't (to me) appear to be similarly superfluous words in those.
"Eject" is a word that does not require "out", agreed. I suppose you could argue that, in the same way, "God" is a word that does not require "the Father", although you'd have to be of a rather patriarchal frame of mind to do so. Same, but more so, for "I love you", but you might be justified in saying that, for instance, "me and you" is another phrase in which the one implies the other. You big uxorious softy you.
Or maybe I'm just being too insufferably pedantic. I do that, as you know.
Tis a very nice idea, though. And the whole thing moves and breathes very pleasingly.
Cheers
David
P.S. Just seen Wab's comments. I've got my own take on it - see above - but, FYI, I didn't think much of The Drowned Book. Horses and courses, eh?
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emuse
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Hi Elph,
I saw this as a kind of clever aubade to love. Probably just where my head is at but I was thinking about the last line and it seemed to hold a bit of cynism as if the narrator was rejecting a relationship or was being rejected somehow and the comparison of things that were redundant related as well to the way one can feel apathetic towards using the "I love you" once a relationship has gone down the tubes.
Well you see how every reader will bring something of themself to a poem eh?
I enjoyed where this took me.
e
I saw this as a kind of clever aubade to love. Probably just where my head is at but I was thinking about the last line and it seemed to hold a bit of cynism as if the narrator was rejecting a relationship or was being rejected somehow and the comparison of things that were redundant related as well to the way one can feel apathetic towards using the "I love you" once a relationship has gone down the tubes.
Well you see how every reader will bring something of themself to a poem eh?
I enjoyed where this took me.
e
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Cryptic Cadence
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A few people explained this to me and I got it then, I'd have to disagree that 'God the Father' is in the same library, but it was well thought out and written.
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OwenEdwards
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Echoing Wab's feeling of this being a little bit Fallout Boy...
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thoke
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Elphin, I'm a bit confused. You list three tautologies, then you mention the Christian trinity, then you say "I love you". I'm not sure what's going on here.
Are you aware that you use a tautology to describe the three tautologies? "wasted words that add no meaning" is a tautology. Was that deliberate? If so, why?
I'm lost.
Ben
Are you aware that you use a tautology to describe the three tautologies? "wasted words that add no meaning" is a tautology. Was that deliberate? If so, why?
I'm lost.
Ben
Thanks all.
Lots of great comments and several dissenters so at least I know it was interesting.
The lesson I take from this is that a short poem has to be rock solid in its internal integrity if it is to truly deliver - my problem was trying to leave open two interpretations (1)"I love you" is redundant because ones partner should know that without it being said and (2)rejecting "i love you" because the relationship is over. And maybe the God bit is a red herring and plays straight to Wabs criticism that the last two lines are facebook angst lines.
Lke many other pieces this one will stew for a bit.
elph
Lots of great comments and several dissenters so at least I know it was interesting.
The lesson I take from this is that a short poem has to be rock solid in its internal integrity if it is to truly deliver - my problem was trying to leave open two interpretations (1)"I love you" is redundant because ones partner should know that without it being said and (2)rejecting "i love you" because the relationship is over. And maybe the God bit is a red herring and plays straight to Wabs criticism that the last two lines are facebook angst lines.
Lke many other pieces this one will stew for a bit.
elph