Made-in Heresy

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.
Post Reply
Cryptic Cadence
Persistent Poster
Persistent Poster
Posts: 129
Joined: Sat Nov 03, 2007 11:11 am
antispam: no
Location: Australia

Tue Mar 17, 2009 1:14 pm

Earth brings a memory here, distant as the Irish cattle-herd fairs,
but vivid as the birth of a firstborn.

A golden kiss greets me, reminds me of a better day...but the cold north winds still linger,
fragmenting it. This ghostly shell watches in vain.

Earth festers and my essence desicates, useless but for treading upon.
The oddment is not a modern caricature of dysphoria,
but an immutable realization, in that narrow band of the mental spectrum that allows nothing to flow.
Where adolescent emotions have to be wrung out, and our existentialist nature synthesizes.

When utilitarianism fails and we cry out for Gradgrind.
When what little of our imagistic hemisphere disconnects.
It makes us a caryatid, a weight for for the world.

In the midst of channelling a wronged symbol of peace,
Boreas releases his conch shell, and this mind takes flight.
Away from here. This revelation, soon a transient memory.
David
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 13973
Joined: Sat Feb 18, 2006 4:40 pm
Location: Ellan Vannin

Tue Mar 17, 2009 9:14 pm

Wow. Really enjoyed this, CC. A little verbose, a little clichéd in places, but overall an enjoyable and surprising read.

I'm sure the title's very meaningful, but I don't get it.

Cheers

David
Lovely
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 2194
Joined: Sat Feb 14, 2009 10:37 am
antispam: no

Tue Mar 17, 2009 11:22 pm

I love it. Real feelings. Love you................

ever ...........


DJL x
Cryptic Cadence
Persistent Poster
Persistent Poster
Posts: 129
Joined: Sat Nov 03, 2007 11:11 am
antispam: no
Location: Australia

Wed Mar 18, 2009 3:15 am

Hi guys, thanks for the comments. I agree with David, it is indeed too verbose, it was done about 10 months ago, I was the ultimate newbie back then so I got a little over enthusiastic, but I'm learning how to use the more interesting words carefully now by reading how the experienced poets on this forum do it.

Cheers
User avatar
mesmie
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 722
Joined: Thu Oct 09, 2008 10:21 pm
Location: North West UK
Contact:

Wed Mar 18, 2009 6:42 pm

Hey CC

I too think this is great, read this first this morning,

and our existentialist nature synthesizes....I like this.

thanks muchly for the read.
mes
Elphin
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 2944
Joined: Thu Jun 28, 2007 4:10 pm

Wed Mar 18, 2009 8:42 pm

CC

Worth bringing out of the drawer and lots to go on if you want to work on it.

distant as the Irish cattle-herd fairs is a cracker of a line. After that too many big words for my simple mind.

elph
David
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 13973
Joined: Sat Feb 18, 2006 4:40 pm
Location: Ellan Vannin

Wed Mar 18, 2009 9:07 pm

Elphin wrote:distant as the Irish cattle-herd fairs is a cracker of a line.
It is. That was the one that really made me sit up and take notice.
Post Reply