Where i am and how i feel...

[dabeldarks]

The cry of the soul,
Wiped my eyes, as I lost control,
Them words of the wise, remain untold…
Them days of old…
lessons hold, a life stories told…..
sometimes in code,
Still follow that road,
feet close to the ground,
can ya see me now?...,

one life so one lesson,
lead to progression……
no one can claim perfections,………
forget about nothing,
its all to complexed,
but rules can be flexed…..

where is your life, what planned next?,
where should u go?....
I aint always right, and I don’t always know,
its hard to show,
How my mind state flows….

I resist the temptation of praying,
Planting these roots im laying…

Looking at the bigger picture,
I don’t write this to get richer,
I do it to show how im thinkin,
These days are all linking,
Peoples sights are all mixing,
We all the same your perspective is shifting……

Lies are missing, days of tripping,
slicing our thoughts,
with daily reports,
how a man on road get knifed for his cause,
another life took without pause….

[Lovely]

There are interesting lines in here but it kind of read like a rap song to me not that I don't appreciate that fine art of mood.

There are some points here one could raise the mood seems over deliberate for the piece It could also leave the reader slightly
agape as to where it leads next.

The opener was nice "the cry of the soul wiped my eyes". I suppose you lost control which can often lead to repentance and wiser
actions next time.

Thanks DJL.

[swoosh]

Hey d,

as I was told here, if a piece is shorter it doesnt mean that it has less meaning. sometimes less is more. I thought it flowed nice and is worth playing around with.

hope this helps
nice one

S

[jazziwoz]

I understood it to be innermost thoughts - where I am and how I feel suggest its the ramblings of turmoil and confusion and so therefore does not need contextualising.

[backinblack]

Hi there, I thought this had some good points, I do tend to agree with the above, it could use a trim.
I think there is some relentless full on rhymes in there, perhaps tone that down a touch.
This is just like the stuff I used to write myself, you will get great advice and pointers here.
Try half rhymes or free verse also, it will help you develop your style.
I do like rhyming poetry and think this is worth working on.

Best wishes

BinB.

[arunansu]

Hello Db,

Here's my take on this :

The cry of the soul,
Wiped my eyes
Them words of the wise…
Them days of old…
a life stories told…..
sometimes in code,
Still follow that road,
feet close to the ground,
can ya see me now?

one life so one lesson
lead to progression……
no one can claim perfections
forget about nothing

where should u go?
I aint always right, and I don’t always know,
How my mind state flows…

I resist the temptation of praying,
Planting these roots im laying…

I don’t write this to get richer,
I do it to show how im thinkin,
We all the same your perspective is shifting……

slicing our thoughts,
with daily reports,
how a man on road get knifed for his cause

What about that?
Hope that helps.
-Arunansu

[dabeldarks]

There are interesting lines in here but it kind of read like a rap song to me not that I don't appreciate that fine art of mood.

There are some points here one could raise the mood seems over deliberate for the piece It could also leave the reader slightly
agape as to where it leads next.

The opener was nice "the cry of the soul wiped my eyes". I suppose you lost control which can often lead to repentance and wiser
actions next time.

Thanks DJL.

i do rhyme my poems in a hip hop style its how i write, im glad u liked it....
i also rhyme some of them myself, but i prefer to write than do that...

[dabeldarks]

Hello Db,

Here's my take on this :

The cry of the soul,
Wiped my eyes
Them words of the wise…
Them days of old…
a life stories told…..
sometimes in code,
Still follow that road,
feet close to the ground,
can ya see me now?

one life so one lesson
lead to progression……
no one can claim perfections
forget about nothing

where should u go?
I aint always right, and I don’t always know,
How my mind state flows…

I resist the temptation of praying,
Planting these roots im laying…

I don’t write this to get richer,
I do it to show how im thinkin,
We all the same your perspective is shifting……

slicing our thoughts,
with daily reports,
how a man on road get knifed for his cause

What about that?
Hope that helps.
-Arunansu

i like this take on it... thanks for taking the time to do this, i appreciate your input

thanks

[Lovely]

This take then:-



Golden goal leave not the man
'cos he don't understand,
let him loose and he is free
an eagle in night climb to be.

Sorry never got back on this ---time is a watch, eh?

DJLxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[mesmie]

hello

A def for being read out..have you done that?..read this out loud..would like to hear it peformed if you have

mes