Stars

[backinblack]

Stars rain down,
breaking atmospheric silence.
Dying in the crisp night air,
cosmic corpses littered the altitudes.

Remains scattered in the jet streams,
guided to the heavenly borders.
Kerosene cocktailed,
contaminated innocence.

Snow capped sun rays,
wrapped in cotton clouds.
Death wears a mask of beauty,
although she loathes cosmetics.

Edit S1 L1 rain for rained
S2 L1 still removed

[mesmie]

hiya BinB

I think you have a good idea here with nature v man thing but I did get a little confused with your last two lines most prob my interpretation though !! Did think acid rain at first but maybe not!

Would like to see this written in the present tense..I think it may punch harder.

warmly
mes

[swoosh]

hey binb,

really liked ''snow capped sunrays wrapped in cotton clouds''. could really see it. really powerful.
Got an overall sense of futility from this piece.

anyways enjoyed and thanks

S

[ladyteazle]

Just wondering if you could take out some of the punctuation. The line breaks will perhaps provide the pauses you require.

[Shell]

i enjoyed this and, like mesmie, thought maybe present tense would tighten it up ... last line of S1 has too many "ed" type endings and i'd kind of like the to be removed ... haven't followed it through enough to tell if this would actually work or not though ...

i'm also thinking guided may not be the right idea here since the fallen stars are alluded to as dead, or at least beyond any independent will/direction ... guiding implies a responsiveness that isn't available ... maybe? is still necessary, i wonder if that's confusing too? though i can see it fits a pattern of stanza openings ...

i'm also undecided about those last two lines ... seems as if they open up a new theme but too late to really make use of it ... they don't really add to the kerosene cocktail of earlier

don't get me wrong, i like this very much and think it's well worth tinkering with if you wanted to hone it some more ...

[Lovely]

BinB, I felt you drifted of the point which is odd for you.

The subject matter was good as becomes you.

You don't seem afraid to me to tackle heavy deep subject matter, and in this
I'm glad.

I thought you could go a bit deeper as you have the 'aura' to do so.

I don't like cheap writes myself, but I will always help others who want to write
on (deeper matters) but it's up to them, surely...?

To go slightly deeper then: what are stars? And, (why do they) manifest?..

Have you thought about this? Present astronomy is really at sea here. And
yes, I know about 'Hawkins' I've studied much of his works in the (light) of my
own inner understanding among other things.


Stars don't burn-------------- they reflect! Stars are not HOT they're COLD!

Then, what causes (heat on earth) and planets? A deep thought for us---yes?

I'll write about this maybe in the future, but I'll have to judge first my audience,
as I don't want to waste your time or mine.

Nice write on a deep subject. Enjoyed a lot.



Love, DJL.

[arunansu]

I loved the entire piece, but could you elaborate on this:
"Kerosene cocktailed,
contaminated innocence."
Honestly, I didn't get it. I must be missing something here.

I liked the last strophe very much.

"Snow capped sun rays,
wrapped in cotton clouds."
-Excellent!

[backinblack]

I loved the entire piece, but could you elaborate on this:
"Kerosene cocktailed,
contaminated innocence."
Honestly, I didn't get it. I must be missing something here.

I liked the last strophe very much.

"Snow capped sun rays,
wrapped in cotton clouds."
-Excellent!

Hi, ok here it is, kerosene cocktailed- kerosene is jet fuel, the remains of the star mixed with jet fumes-kerosene cocktailed!
The innocence contaminated/lost is the purity of the star mixed with the pollution of the jet.
Hope this helps!

B.