From where does love come and where does it go?
Out and in with the tide, and so set adrift.
Do you remember, you and I?
How it disappeared, and though i reached out
the sun retreated.
Where does love go?
Do you remember the days, with spring and new leaves,
when the warmth entered in.
It was in the garden, i was found with you.
Smells still familiar
and you so lovely, so radiant.
I in you, and you in me.
Do you remember?
Do you remember?
- bodkin
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More personal is one way to make a piece more compelling.
But there are other ways you could take it.
You could try for more striking metaphors, adrift could be fired into orbit, dropped down a well, misplaced during a move...
Or you could stir up the language a bit:
Maybe starting the second sentence more independently:
Did you mean lower case "i" in later strophes?
HTH
Ian
But there are other ways you could take it.
You could try for more striking metaphors, adrift could be fired into orbit, dropped down a well, misplaced during a move...
Or you could stir up the language a bit:
I feel a bit that here:LaMOi wrote:Where comes love, arriving, departing?
In with the tide, and out with the wash.
I recall you. Do you recall me, and we?
You've split one sentence with the desire to have the question mark at the end of the strophe. It feels a bit more:LaMOi wrote: Do you remember, you and I?
How it disappeared, and though i reached out
the sun retreated.
But that's not very nice.LaMOi wrote: Do you remember, you and I,
how it disappeared, and though i reached out
the sun retreated?
Maybe starting the second sentence more independently:
Starting sentences with "And" is something you can get away with nowadays...LaMOi wrote: Do you remember, you and I?
How was it we disappeared? And though I reached out
the sun retreated.
Did you mean lower case "i" in later strophes?
HTH
Ian
http://www.ianbadcoe.uk/