Among the things she clothes herself in

[Sharra]

This was in response to a prompt involving writing a 'list poem'.

The beeping alarm, pink Tesco’s knickers, one black
one yellow sock, last night's mascara, Radio 2,
toothpaste, spilt coffee, burnt toast. Split-kneed jeans,
splashed with Moroccan Red paint, split-soled boots,
so comfy she ignores dew soaked feet. Tangled dog leads,
sand, seaspray, pollen that makes her sneeze. Slightly
creased trousers, a grey cardigan long enough to hide
extra Christmas inches, green eyeshadow, lip gloss, a ponytail,
a smile and a telephone voice, office gossip, the 5pm traffic.
His complaints, her bolognaise sauce, Fairy bubbles
that dry her hands, his blame, her reddened skin,
his slammed door, her empty bed.

The creeping daylight, black Tesco’s knickers, one red
one pink sock, shadows around her eyes, Radio 2, toothpaste
slicing through the taste of her sleepless night. Old jeans,
faded at the knees, split-soled boots, so comfy
she ignores dew soaked feet. Dangling dog leads,
sand, seaspray, pollen that makes her sneeze. Carefully
ironed trousers, a black cardigan fluffy enough
to wrap herself up in, blue eyeshadow, lip gloss, a ponytail,
a telephone voice, office gossip, the 5pm traffic.
Her choice of pizza topping, Coronation Street, hot bathwater,
bubbles up to her chin, lavender soaked skin, line-dried sheets,
her own space, and quietness.

[stuartryder]

Instantly we know this is a woman from line 1's pink briefs, but I like the way you linger over fleshing out the story, Sharra. Stanza 1 would make an interesting advert voiceover for Fairy, if delivered by Bob Hoskins.

Stanza 2 - Radox, voiced over by Rita from Corrie.

Cheers

Stuart

[ray miller]

I can see that this is the same person but I'm really unsure what the contrasts are intended to convey. Different period of life is my best guess. To give one example, tangled dog leads, dangling dog leads. Some dogs, no dogs, perhaps, but what does that imply? I'm probably being thick!

[oranggunung]

A very interesting result, Sharra.

The first lines point the verses in different directions; S1 feels like a weekday and S2 like a weekend. Yet, there are so many ties between the two, that it seems more like two different women´s experience of the same day than two days experienced by the same woman. Is it the cup half full versus the cup half empty?
I´m sure I´ll come back to this one, to try and find more clues.


og

[Ros]

Well, I get it, Sharra! It's before and after Him. Some things change, some things (walking the dog, life at the office) stay the same. I wasn't sure at first about the repeated bits, but I think it makes the contrast more subtle. Sounds like she has few regrets, at first anyway, despite the sleepless night. I like it.

I'm a bit surprised the others didn't get it straight away - surely not another girl thing?

[Sharra]

Thanks for the comments
It is s'posed to be 2 days, 1 before and 1 after he leaves - so Ros gets the gold star! Maybe it is a girly thing?
Sharra
xx

[Oskar]

Sharra

Is this not a companion piece to 'Life'? They appear to have a similar sort of modus operandi, in that you offer near line for line contrasts that can either be pushed together or pulled out into separate stanzas. They also seem to be exploring a particular train of thought. Whatever is going on, I like the idea and the execution.

I can almost see Carole Bayer Sager nodding her head with approval.

Nice one.

[didi dave]

its definately about a break up or arguement of sorts, its got pessimism and optimism in there. the life you enjoyed with him and missing him but also about finding a new way without him, maybe changing herself..

i say 'you' as the writer, maybe not you personally but as the author of the work

[Sharra]

Thanks for reading didi
Oskar - yes it probably is a kind of companion piece, they came from 2 consecutive prompts http://applehousepoetryworkshop.blogspot.com/ and are the first 2 poems I've written in the last month or so (I've been revising) - so probably a very similar state of mind...
Sharra
x

[oranggunung]

Maybe it is a girly thing?

It must be. I couldn´t fathom "the puzzle of the knickers".

How´s that for a title for the next piece?


og

[brianedwards]

I enjoy poems that leave a few blanks for readers to fill in with details from their own life experiences --- this poem fits that bill well, for me. The ambiguity about who the two parts of the poem are about is a strength and more clarity would definitely do more harm than good.

My only bump was "creeping daylight" which feels quite tired, especially in comparison with the fresh language elsewhere. It may have been used for effect, to emphasise the contrast in lifestyles, but because of the rhyme with beeping in L1, it appears as if it is there for that reason only and knocks me out of the read.

One other note:

hot bathwater,
bubbles up to her chin, lavender soaked skin,

This feels a little cluttered and could be condensed to "lavender bubble baths"? Maybe?

Thanks for a good read.

B.

[Sharra]

the puzzle of the knickers

- og now there's a challenge - maybe we should set that as one of the poetry exercises
The thing with the knickers maybe is what makes it girly - of course she puts clean ones on everyday, so hence the diff colour - but if she's like many of us she grabs the packs of 5 from M&S / Tesco's - everyday is the same in that respect.
Brian - thanks for the comments - you're right about creeping daylight - I did struggle with that phrase, although the rhyming is actually incidental. And I'll have a look at the other line too.

Sharra
xx