a murmur slips
still holding on -
but far too late
the day is done
and so you follow me into sleep
and slow tomorrow eases and creeps
along with a murmur
and nothing much else
Murmur
-
ray miller
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 7482
- Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am
Are we talking heart murmur here? Someone clinging to life? I feel you have the making of a good poem in the first and last 2 lines. The middle section is a bit mundane, I think.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
-
nar
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 903
- Joined: Tue Feb 10, 2009 8:57 pm
- antispam: no
- Location: Central Scotland
Hey, R.
This feels to me likes it's about dreams, and perhaps, regret.
If so, the final line is a nice resolution.
If I had to nit... the lack of capitalisation and punctuation leaves things a little to 'open' for me.
Liked it.
- Neil.
This feels to me likes it's about dreams, and perhaps, regret.
If so, the final line is a nice resolution.
If I had to nit... the lack of capitalisation and punctuation leaves things a little to 'open' for me.
Liked it.
- Neil.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left. (Bertrand Russell)
-
Private Harry
- Posts: 8
- Joined: Wed Jun 03, 2009 12:50 pm
- antispam: no
- Location: East Midlands U.K.
- Contact:
Builds tension nicely in the first section, but somehow seems to lose momentum and just work its way to the end.
The second section doesn't seem as "clean" as the first.
The second section doesn't seem as "clean" as the first.