Companion - 3rd edit

[R Cox]

Another stab (if you will)...
------

My companion
who fell out
of love,
of everything,
you slipped about
upon white feet
pale
and ornamental.

You ought not to have felt betrayed
for there is worse than feeling ;
I left you
your love ungloved,
sure footed,
underhanded.

---------
(shameful rewrite)

To me, companion is "a banyan" rather than "a bunion".


My companion I had my hand in
yours for many a year,
we held a love -
understood
and free standing.

And then came years
tumbling out
of trust
and our clean hands,
and I made love
every night
a thing
to kick against.

My companion
who fell out
of love,
of everything,
You slipped about
upon white feet
pale
and ornamental.

You ought not to have felt betrayed
for I left you with much worse ;
with love ungloved -
sure footed
underhanded.

------------
(original)

My companion
who fell out
of love,
of everything,
You slipped about
upon white feet
pale
and ornamental.

You ought not to have felt betrayed
for I left you with much worse ;
with love ungloved -
sure footed
underhanded.

[Suzanne]

Ohh, there is something going on here...
Something very interesting, but it s not very clear. I loved the pale feet. I do not think the form works as well as it could. I would love it if you would try to rephrase this, it is a good beginning. Here is a little idea on the first part:

My companion, you, fell out
of love, with everything.
You slipped about (? sounds like falling on ice )
upon white feet, pale
and ornamental.

I can see this has very good potential.
Suzanne

[arunansu]

R Cox,
I have to second Suzanne here. The ending remains covered in mist.
But S1 is great. And I loved the title. Interesting phrase "love ungloved". That's great style.

[ray miller]

I'd love to know just who is talking to whom here.It seems that someone has been discovered to have feet of clay - but why pale and white?

with love ungloved -
sure footed
underhanded

that's lovely to behold and would probably be even better if the two preceding lines could be disentangled. At face value they don't make sense to me.

[R Cox]

Yes, this doesn't make a whole lot of sense I now see. I'll be back with a rewrite. I must admit this just tumbled out. I'm loathe to actually give an explanation, so more detail is needed. Thanks for the input.

Ray: I wasn't actually going for the idea of feet of clay, if anything porcelain, without actually having to spell it out. Obviously a very different idea. Do you think they are too easily confused?

[Lovely]

This so beautiful.

Solid inside of you.

If you carry on thinking like this--------you are a poet!

Love xx

[David]

Hello R. This is something you'll probably get to hear a lot around here if you stay - which I hope you will - but I like the original better. It was compact and thoughtful. I think it's gone a bit baggy now, and it flaps about a bit.

I'd like to see you go back and rework the original within the same sort of constraints.

Any help?

Cheers

David

[R Cox]

Thanks David, you've completely affirmed my thoughts. baggy it is indeed, and for my sins I shall leave that edit for all to see.

I think I need a bit more guidance here. To me the original post had enough to see the second stanza through to understanding.
Aah... 'twas innocence into jaded. "Boxing (g)love"?

Back to the notebook for me for this. But another thanks to everyone for sharing that notebook.

[David]

In re that first version, I'd just say (for now) that I don't think you need to capitalise your "You" in L5, and I'm not really getting the contrast between the slipping and the surefootedness. She was slipping, but you're sure footed?

I left you with much worse is also a phrase fraught with ambiguity, whether that's intentional or not.

Cheers

David

[Elphin]

R Cox

I havent been around much so a belated - welcome.

I really like the phrasing and flow of this esp s1. I like too the play on surefooted, ungloved and underhanded - trouble is I can't figure it all out, and and I want to.

could you choose another title that would help guide the reader, esp as you have companion in the first line. In such a short piece no word, even the title should have any redundancy.

hope to read more

elph

[R Cox]

Thanks for the insight Elph. I was originally going to title this "when Push comes to Love" but thought it a bit too tacky. I'm not quite sure now though... I was trying to capture the feeling when first love turns from an innocent thing into something more jaded, love as a game, for example. I'm still not quite there, and have come to dead end.

Thanks again to everyone for the input on this one. xxx