The Mouthing Mist

[gpierre]

edit 2

The mouthing mist slow drifts as the glow grows
Eyeless. Omnipotent, omniscient,

Rime crusted sprung into being
The infant born from the first light;
The mother of the seed full earth
Heedless to the fathering spark,
The birthright of a long dead thought,
Good and evil ball-rolled; sky-torn
This tide reveals time, brings forth formless breath

With artless eyes, bright in the dark;

Sharp pellets repelled by mere reflection
Slow dancing through dust; a wheeling
Sentient ballroom spun and flung,
Surfaced with coruscating dreams'
Star light shine; caught metamorphosed,
Thrown over the shroud of morning,
Worn sightless as eyes lids draw down

The realisation of this new dawn,
Cold and impotent as the days of man.

edit 1

The mouthing mist slow drifts as the glow grows
Heartless. Omnipotent, omniscient,

Rime crusted sprung into being
The infant born from the first light;
The mother to the seed full earth
Heedless of the fathering spark,
The birthright of a long dead thought,
Good and evil ball-rolled sky-torn
Tides revealing time bring forth formless breath.

Artless eyes gleam bright in the dark;

Hard pellets repelled by mere reflection
Slow dancing through dust, a wheeling
Sentient ballroom spun and flung
Sharp floored with coruscating dreams
Star light shine; caught metamorphosed,
Thrown across the shroud of morning
Worn sightless as eyes lids draw down

The realisation of the new dawn,
Cold and impotent as the days of man.

1st draft

The mouthing mist slow drifts as the glow grows
Heartless. Omnipotent, omniscient,

Rime crusted sprung into being
The infant born from the first light,
The mother to the seed full earth
Heedless of the fathering spark
The birthright of a long dead thought,
Good and evil ball-rolled sky-torn
Unbelieving time brings forth formless breath.

Artless eyes gleam bright in the dark;

Hard pellets repelled by mere reflection
Slow dancing through the dust, wheeling
Sentient ballrooms spun and flung
Sharp floored with coruscating dreams,
Star light shines caught, metamorphosed
Thrown across the shroud of morning
Worn sightless as eyes lids draw down

The realisation of the new dawn,
Cold and impotent as the days of men.

[Lovely]

Look this is profound and beautiful. Really.

The quality of work here is pure purple harem. The melody is divine and your thoughts
are so sweet.

Loads

L x

[Ros]

Hi gpierre, I was going to say welcome but I see some of them already had a go at you a while ago! Anyway, welcome back.

I enjoyed the sound of this but I'm not sure if I'm getting the meaning right. Something, something powerful, being born out of the mist? 'Good and evil ball-rolled sky-torn' I liked. I have more trouble with the idea of sentient ballrooms - I can see dancers being flung around, but whole rooms? Overall though this has a great feel and I greatly enjoyed it.

Ros

[gpierre]

Hi Ros and L,

Many thanks for your comments.

I'm not going to push the meaning too much, but The 'sentient ballroom' is everything that surrounds us, contains us, in this futile beautiful dance: nothing stays still, violence and creation tend to be one in the same, in a Universal sense; don't they?

I hope that helps unfold some meaning.

As I said, thanks for your comments and I'm glad someone enjoyed it!

Gaz

[R Cox]

Hi there. An enjoying piece for me. The opening line I like in particular. It's one of those that needs to be read aloud to fully appreciate the rhythm, the slow drifts.

S1 I found slightly more difficult to read than S2. It seems like a different idea on each line and seems more of a list than the merging of ideas in S2. This may just be me, but the paucity of punctuation makes it all run together (S1 here) and detracted from fully appreciating otherwise intriguing ideas.

S2, very nice indeed. Would "in wheeling Sentient ballroom" still keep the same meaning? It would I think make the idea clearer, and provide a stage for the ensuing slow dance of destruction.

Thanks.

[Lovely]

I have a deep here. It flows so well.


LXXX

[gpierre]

I've had a tinker with the punctuation but I'm not sure if this helps or not.

It probably aids understanding but I'm not sure if it affects the flow?

R Cox, I really appreciate that you picked out that it's for speaking, how can you taste words if you don't say them? Or is that just me?

Many Thanks,

Gaz

[arunansu]

This is a wonderful write. Loved the sounds of words in S1, specially. Nothing to add.
Enjoyed.

[gpierre]

Many thanks for the comments arunansu.

I think I might stick around here!

Gaz