Submariners

[Lu59]

Submariners

It’s calm down here, beneath the raging tide,
Beyond brash waves that pound upon the shore
Then suck the pebbles back with foam-edged sighs.
We are The Fish, hold salt in every pore,
Submariners, and older than the hills:
A primitive machine, a perfect form,
We sleep awake, sift water through our gills.
Unchanged by pull of moon or fiercest storm,
We live on plankton, weed, and smaller fry,
Pout every breath, can fly with flick of tail;
Poseidon bade us procreate and die,
And Nereids attend each nacre scale.
Yet, just as sirens lure men to their fate,
So Man must tantalize with rod and bait.

[arunansu]

Loved the write, specially "foam-edged sighs". I admire the thoughts behind your poems; we really behave like "submariners", peace-loving, brash waves do not disturb us. The reference to Poseidon was a little difficult for me, as was the line "And Nereids attend each nacre scale", though I read about Poseidon and Nereids from the Net. But that would be just me. I feel the references to Greek mythology takes it to another level. Admired.

[Lovely]

very unusual poem beautifully spoken indeed.

Like re the refs to greek myths. You didn't choose to split it into verses but it worked well.

Smooth read.




L

[jms]

Hi,

I liked this - there's a lot of unusual imagery, which worked for me. Couple of points:

In L1, we're beneath the tide, yet in the next line beyond the waves, which didn't feel right to me.

'salt held' rather than 'hold salt' in L4?

'Sleep awake' didn't feel right to me. Is there a way to re-phrase this?

'Pout every breath' I don't think worked...

The last line, while I get your point, felt like a bit of a let down. I'd have preferred to have seen something less obvious to end on, something to leave us hanging a little, a tantalising last glimpse of - something.

Hope that helps,

Jon

[R Cox]

Hi there. Nice use of unusual imagery as others have said.

I was intrigued by the overall form. The rhyme is very neat and not forced, yet the metre and punctuation are defiantly oblivious to this when being read. It almost wants to be a sonnet. Is this an experimental playing around with this traditional form, or simply the way it came out? Either way, this isn't a negative comment. If anything I like it, how it works on two levels.

Ta.

[Petronius]

My only criticism for good poem is that the title misled me unti halfway through the poem. In my innocence I thought you writing a bout submarines. Perhaps if I tell you that I married into a very naval family. Grandad navy, two brothers navy, daughter and husband navy, you will forgive me. Why not write about submariners? I am sure your imagination will take you there.

[Lu59]

Hi all, and thanks for your comments, they are much appreciated.

Lovely, I didn't split it into verses as it is written in the Shakespearean sonnet form, 14 lines of iambic pentameter with a rhyming couplet at the end. (The last two lines should have been indented, but they kept re-aligning themselves!)

jms -

In L1, we're beneath the tide, yet in the next line beyond the waves, which didn't feel right to me.

- I felt that "beyond the waves" would infer that the fish are far beyond the part of the sea we tend to be most familiar with, the shoreline. I used "hold salt" rather than salt held as it sounds more archaic, given that the fish are ancient creatures.

'Sleep awake' and 'Pout every breath'

- because fish do sleep awake, with their eyes open, and they do pout when they breathe!
I totally agree with you about the ending - however, Submariners was written as part of a sequence, and the poem that comes after it sort of justifies the ending. Here it is:

With Apologies to Amphitrite

First time fishing
And the rod lies unwieldy in my hand.
This wasn’t, then, the outing I had planned:
I wanted a swell of wind-whipped waves,
To be Sarah Woodruff on The Cobb,
Sun warm on my nape like a lover’s kiss –
Not this.

A bloody rosette of yesterday’s news
Holds lugworms, still live: a scab
Of copper-black sand-engorged girths
Like melded conkers, a glutinous orgy,
Writhing and vaguely obscene.
“Their tails snap off if you cast out too hard.”
His words jarred.

My rod bobbed victory and I reeled it in, taut
Orange line spinning a fine salt spray
Onto my skin. He showed how to slide the barb
Over pearlescent pink lips
And a surprise of Velcro-like teeth.

Yet I felt no relief. His gender
Forged the bruise of my disgrace:
Man’s primal urge to hunt and kill
Stood up and slapped me in the face.

jms, does it make more sense to have that ending now you have seen the second poem?

R.Cox - it is a sonnet! (I hope!)

Petronius - sorry to disappoint you, but I know nothing about the Navy other than they have fab uniforms! But in a way I'm glad it misled you, as I like my titles to belie the content of the poem, it makes life more interesting! Seriously though, I will bear it in mind, a wholly naval family could make for a great poetic theme - and I once wrote a poem about the air force for my father, and I knew just as little about the air force!

[Lu59]

Has anyone got any comments on whether the second poem (With Apologies to Amphritite) gives more sense to the ending of Submariners, the first poem? (Please see comment by jms on the ending, and my response). I just need to know if the poems work together, i.e. as a sequence, or if they were consecutive in a collection.

[manfriday]

Hi Lu,

This is a great sonnet! Writing to a set form is challenging, but you've somehow managed to keep such an even rhythm with iambic pentameter throughout, and it doesn't feel forced at all. The piece has a mystical feel to it, something carried solidly with your lovely imagery. Thank you for this.

Harry

[Lu59]

Thanks Harry, your comments are much appreciated. I love the sonnet form, there is just something about writing in the wonderful rhythm of the i/pent within the constrictions of the sonnet form that I actually (and paradoxically!) find quite liberating. I'd advise anyone to give it a go - the subject matter doesn't have to be traditional, e.g. love, loss, nature - but can be about anything from the mundane to the mystical. Long live the sonnet!

[Petronius]

Minor point. Shakespearean sonnets were often formatted in four quatrains and a couplet. Not of any importance. Largely a fad of the printers. I liked the poem and the way you handled a difficult form. Have you ever tried a Petrachan sonnet? Not too easy in english but very easy in italian. Anyway it is not worth troublae unless you like crosswords.

[David]

Do you remember Prince Namor, the Sub-Mariner?

Nice poem. It is very sonnety. Maybe too much end-stopping? Not much flow, which seems inappropriate for the subject. I also think the rhymes are a bit too strong (and I like rhymes).

Nevertheless, a good piece of work.

Cheers

David