Tantra
He knows his way around my bones
better than he does his own.
Each monotone allusion to form
overlapping where light is excluded
reinforced by his effigy…
crafted in my mind, rewarding expectations.
In this void there are streamers
of the vaguest desires rushing by.
I have no hands to grasp them
or let go. I have lost every reason to try.
.
Tantra
Interesting title and content. I can see where you are hinting at, yet I wonder would "Tantra" be a fitting title? Smiles.
Nice one.
Nice one.
I thought the opening was good. Got lost on:
Over all I like the 'flavor' of it.
B.
Maybe too much going on. Pare it down. I also wasn't sure if you meant 'allusion' or 'illusion'. You could cut 'crafted in my mind, rewarding expectations' and not lose anything. Or maybe incorporate those into another part of the poem. Seemed wordy.Each monotone allusion to form
overlapping where light is excluded
reinforced by his effigy…
crafted in my mind, rewarding expectations
Over all I like the 'flavor' of it.
B.
-
Suzanne
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 4902
- Joined: Sun Oct 19, 2008 4:46 pm
- antispam: no
- Location: Land of the Midnight Sun
Dalena,
I love it when you drop by.
The first two lines are very inviting.
The ending made me sigh, very good descriptive language.
"In this void there are streamers
of the vaguest desires rushing by.
I have no hands to grasp them
or let go. I have lost every reason to try. "
Great poem,
Suzanne
I love it when you drop by.
The first two lines are very inviting.
The ending made me sigh, very good descriptive language.
"In this void there are streamers
of the vaguest desires rushing by.
I have no hands to grasp them
or let go. I have lost every reason to try. "
Great poem,
Suzanne