Laura
rev.
You want to be
six years old again,
begin your journeys
right now
crying, laughing
it doesn't matter--
such a quiet night
the stars tremble
in your voice.
Let me hold you
as we greet summer
together. Look how
the leaves sparkle
against the sky.
---
You want to be
six years old again,
begin your journeys
right now
crying, laughing
it doesn't matter--
such a quiet night
the stars tremble
in your voice.
We greet summer
together. Look how
the leaves sparkle
against the sky.
--
You want to be
six years old again,
begin your journeys
right now
crying, laughing
it doesn't matter--
such a quiet night
the stars tremble
in your voice.
Let me hold you
as we greet summer
together. Look how
the leaves sparkle
against the sky.
---
You want to be
six years old again,
begin your journeys
right now
crying, laughing
it doesn't matter--
such a quiet night
the stars tremble
in your voice.
We greet summer
together. Look how
the leaves sparkle
against the sky.
--
Last edited by Divina on Mon Jul 06, 2009 8:00 am, edited 1 time in total.
- Helen Bywater
- Persistent Poster
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Hi Divina,Divina wrote:You want to be
six years old again,
begin your journeys
right now
crying, laughing
it doesn't matter--
such a quiet night
the stars tremble
in your voice.
We greet summer
together. Look how
the leaves sparkle
against the sky.
--
This is intriguing. I want to know more about Laura. You say she wants to be six years old again. My guess is that's she's old - "the stars tremble in your voice" could be the quavering voice of an old woman. I'm not sure if that's what you meant, though.
Helen
Perplexing Poster
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I thought this was lovely - you've packed such a lot into so few words. I epecially liked
such a quiet night / the stars tremble / in your voice - its a great image.
Just one thing, as it is so pared down, I did wonder if you needed![Smile :)](./images/smilies/icon_smile.gif)
Sharra
xx
such a quiet night / the stars tremble / in your voice - its a great image.
Just one thing, as it is so pared down, I did wonder if you needed
Just a thoughtcrying, laughing
it doesn't matter--
![Smile :)](./images/smilies/icon_smile.gif)
Sharra
xx
It is at the edge of the
petal that love waits
petal that love waits
It's interesting that this is for your two (relatively) young children, Maria, as I - like Helen - thought it seemed to be addressed to an older person, perhaps one approaching or settling into a second childhood. And I thought it worked very nicely in that sense.
Readers, eh?
Cheers
David
Readers, eh?
Cheers
David
Hi David
Thanks for reading and commenting. I didn't intend the poem to be about a second childhood.
Rather it's about growing up and having to face problems/reality/challenges. I have a very close
relaationship with my daughter and we talk a lot together. I see your point though and understand
that I need to make it clearer somehow that the poem is about my daughter. I will be working on it.
Thank you.
Thanks, lovely, for reading and liking.
My best
Maria
Thanks for reading and commenting. I didn't intend the poem to be about a second childhood.
Rather it's about growing up and having to face problems/reality/challenges. I have a very close
relaationship with my daughter and we talk a lot together. I see your point though and understand
that I need to make it clearer somehow that the poem is about my daughter. I will be working on it.
Thank you.
Thanks, lovely, for reading and liking.
My best
Maria
Reading the poem again with your explanation in front of me, I can see that it works, Maria. If you can just stop that other interpretation kicking in - and I don't have any suggestions to help with that at the moment, I'm afraid - this will be a beautiful finished product.
At the moment it's just beautiful, but that's fine. Beautiful is good.
Cheers
David
At the moment it's just beautiful, but that's fine. Beautiful is good.
Cheers
David
Hi,
if you are using a road / journey metaphor why not use that to suggest the age. Crossroads come to mind but that might be a bit cliched, or a Frostian fork?
I like its sparse form
Rich - Basnik
if you are using a road / journey metaphor why not use that to suggest the age. Crossroads come to mind but that might be a bit cliched, or a Frostian fork?
I like its sparse form
Rich - Basnik
bez prace, nejsou kolaci - without work, there are no cakes (Czech proverb)