I’m Awake Now, But…

[manfriday]

I remember last night,
Thought’s final flitting flight,
A soft wondering of sleep,
A preamble to the deep,
Waiting to wander into the dark,
Pausing on where my mind will park.

But what followed then,
I will never pen,
For one cannot dredge,
What is over the hedge,
And I ache in this absence,
Of what might not have happened.

This not remembering,
My mind’s foot slipping,
The thing itself must ask then:
“What thing is this, and what then am I?
And what will happen, after I die?”

[David]

Interesting musings, Man F, but driven too much by the need to rhyme, I think - "park" and "dredge" (or "hedge", you decide which is less important) are the outstanding examples of this, and "absence" / "happened" is a bit of a stretch too.

Your final questions are not original, of course, but could you find a way of putting them in a more original way?

I think you need to be a bit harder on yourself.

Cheers

David

[manfriday]

Thank you for your brutal honesty. It's very refreshing to not have a sympathetic pussy-footing around the truth! Thanks David, I do agree. This was one of the instances where I couldn't tell if it was a great poem or a totally bad poem, and now I can see it's flaws more clearly.

Cheers,

Harry

[David]

I hope you won't let me deter you, Harry. (It wasn't brutal, was it?) There's something here worth working away at, I think. I'd like to read a reworked version.

Cheers

David

[Lovely]

some good comments above I won't say more on that but i like the meaning of your words "I'M Awake Now, but.." I guess you are meaning
the 'inner man'?..which I really liked very much.

A poet once said.......our waking hours are dreams and our dreams awake..........

I enjoyed what you gave here; it's rather deep actually.


Thanks friend

[arunansu]

Loved the lines :
"Waiting to wander into the dark,
Pausing on where my mind will park."
-Nobody knows where the poetic mind wanders, eh?

I feel the problem with this piece is .... it's not going anywhere! But probably it was meant to be so, I wonder.

Enjoyed.

[FP7]

Hello ManFriday - cheers for this one. Enjoyed it and easily related to what it had to say. I agree that, overall, the rhyming detracts from the flow of the poem - particularly in S1. I wrote one similar not too long ago, and received feedback along the lines of 'be subtle' (half-rhymes, maybe?) and 'don't rhyme away the life of the poem'. I'm still as subtle as Lady Gaga's wardrobe and ad-hoc like a maniac, but I think my feedbackers had a point.

Having said all that, though - I really liked it. It was concise, well-written and S3, particularly, worked. The mind's foot slipping was vivid.

Cheers,

Stephen