Hello, thanks for looking. - yes another deep peom from me! Would welcome feedback on the structure and content so feel free to give honest feedback.
The Other You
Will you like me if I dye my hair?
Will you like me if I walk with flair?
Will you like me if I get a tan?
Does it matter if it’s from a can?
Will my bright white teeth make you smile?
Will cheap sunglasses look too vile?
Maybe I should tuck and nip?
Perhaps I’ll then look young and hip?
Will my successes make me shine?
And make me think the world is mine?
Do you like my friends and think they’re cool?
I wouldn’t want to look a fool
What about the latest togs?
Will designer labels get me snogs?
Yes my dear they probably will
From others with a similar frill
But
Will you shout at kids when they’re your own?
Will you make your place a happy home?
Have you looked inside and seen your pain?
The one from which that you refrain?
Can you laugh and cry with equal ease?
Can you control your aim to please?
Are you happy to know your place?
The one upon the planet’s face?
Will you die with contentment in your eyes?
Having sorted honesty from lies?
The truth is that maybe not
But your effort to, will say a lot.
The Other You
Jsabian,
Perhaps it's better a stricter syllable count with poems which rhyme. As I notice, S1 and S2 each had 9 syllabled lines, but then it changed from S3 onwards. Also,
Will you die with contentment in your eyes? (10 syllables)
Having sorted honesty from lies? ( 9 syllables)
I like the content of the poem, and the flow is nice.
Enjoyed.
Perhaps it's better a stricter syllable count with poems which rhyme. As I notice, S1 and S2 each had 9 syllabled lines, but then it changed from S3 onwards. Also,
Will you die with contentment in your eyes? (10 syllables)
Having sorted honesty from lies? ( 9 syllables)
I like the content of the poem, and the flow is nice.
Enjoyed.
-
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 2718
- Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 8:41 am
- antispam: no
- Location: Hertfordshire, UK
A nice idea, and some clever lines. But I agree with other comments – it could definitely benefit from a tighter metrical structure. The rhythm seems to falter quite often. There’s also some lines that are grammatically very suspect (e.g. The one from which that you refrain?).
Still, these points can quite easily be fixed, and it will then be a good piece. Thanks for the read.
Still, these points can quite easily be fixed, and it will then be a good piece. Thanks for the read.
-
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 903
- Joined: Tue Feb 10, 2009 8:57 pm
- antispam: no
- Location: Central Scotland
When I'm sixty four?
I enjoyed this, and I think you have all the advice you need from the others.
Cheers for a nice wee read.
- Neil
I enjoyed this, and I think you have all the advice you need from the others.
Cheers for a nice wee read.
- Neil
War does not determine who is right - only who is left. (Bertrand Russell)