Eclipsed

[brianedwards]

Eclipsed
by Brian Edwards

[Sharra]

Brian - just a quickie before work - will comment more later - I wanted to say how much I enjoyed this though.
There's so much in here, and must have taken ages to get that shape!
'plug that hole burnt in the sky' is just gorgeous
Sharra
xx

[BenJohnson]

The ending had that Lou Reed feel "There are no stars in the sky, they're all on the ground". I'm slight puzzled by the order of this, the first half has you saying you will not look at the moon, the second half has you saying you the moon is necessary and it does us all good to look once in awhile, then you return right at the end to saying "Excuse me if I don't look up". I like the feel of the mood changing at the mid point, but not sure why you then waver back at the end.

The title I think is great, just perfect for the content and little else to pick at really, much enjoyed.

[brianedwards]

Many thanks to you both. Yes Sharra, the shape was a swine!

Ben, I think you may be onto something. I agree it could be clearer, and it wouldn't take much. I have a few ideas for possible edits that I am thinking on, but will wait for other comments. I need to take a wee break before beginning to dismantle this form again!

Cheers.

B.

~

[ray miller]

Getting the criticism out of the way first, I didn't like the "Excuse me, Moon..." and "No offence, Moon..."bits. Felt they were at odds with and detracted from rest of poem.And I'm not sure what you're saying with the apple. That it's merely an apple and not an illustration of the Law of Gravity?

I liked the remainder, the puny moon attempting to plug the hole burnt in the sky. That's good.There are a lot of contentions that you don't resolve, as Ben pointed out. I like the idea of focusing on bodily ills as an excuse to opt out of viewing The Great Event - or watching it on TV instead!But then you have,"It does Man good, from time to time, to crick his neck and point" excellent line, excellent observation. But maybe the poem can't accomodate both?

[brianedwards]

Thanks Ray.

I'm working on a revision at the moment. The TV lines are for the chop --- I think the poem turns in the wrong direction at the end.

Btw, the apple mention was in reference to its prevalence in mythology and religion ---- not gravity and Newton . . .

Cheers.

B.

~

[emuse]

This is a favorite of yours at this very moment. I've had one read through and was quite blown away. I'll be back to read again and offer more cohesive feedback.

e

[Lovely]

It hit me over i'm out man.

So beautiful, and loved your triangle to.


Loads of love,

lxxxxxxxxxx

[brianedwards]

Thank you both emuse and Lovely.

I'm actually having doubts about this myself, although I do greatly appreciate your praise. I'm worried it's too nihilistic and I am planning to revise towards a more humanist stance. I hope you will both still enjoy.

Best wishes.

B.

~

[David]

The use of the shape is brilliant, but if you can make it more humanist and less nihilistic, then crack on. However, it doesn't at present strike me as being too nihilistic at all. Cynical perhaps, but cynicism is a perfectly sensible response to the world.

Cheers

David

[PhilipCFJohnson]

I really liked this!

Some really good observations and some really eloquently put lines and concepts!

"I have evolved away from heaven" was a peculiar line, as it highlighted the possible religious contexts of the poem, along with "You are as necessary as any God", and since proir disregarding the moon, spells out some anti-religious sentiments maybe, even though God here is with a capital G, so....quite the enigma. There's a lot of depth to this poem.

I'm not entirely a fan of the conversational approach in some places, but I can see how it works for you and it is your friend.

Good ending too.

All the best
Phil

[brianedwards]

Thanks David and Philip. Revision posted. Feedback most welcome.

Not totally happy with the shape, but the content is closer to what's intended, I think.

Cheers.

B.

~

[rushme]

must begin by saying how much i admire the shape of the poem - a piece of art!

but i don't agree with the text:

you equate war & a sold out soldier with viewing the solar eclipse - i think that's out of context.

a blind man is a blind man i don't know how he can be tricked by the horror of his visions to see - frankly i don't quite know what you mean by that.

the fact remains that a puny moon can eclipse the sun & turn day into night - you can even see the stars - i think we can grant that to the puny moon - how the mighty have fallen! even the biggest stars collapse into black holes. of course the case is different here.

your assumption that - you were not meant to see the spectacle is rather presumptous - we were not meant to fly in planes either - nor cross seas - nor land on the moon.

in this case of course solar viewers meant it to happen & its one of the greatest celestial shows on earth - beats even pink floyd!

actually i didn't see anyone pointing a finger at the moon when it happened! you talk as if it's an insult & then in the same breath - 'you are as necessary as....floods typhoons etc have other causes.

heads of states - palaces kingdoms..whatever you're trying to say sounds rather far-fetched

i think it's great to look up & the moon is not bothered - it's your loss entirely!

[brianedwards]

OK, thanks rushme. I think we understand each other perfectly.

B.

~

[rushme]

hope you won't be averse to hearing my puny explanation - whatever its worth - where i'm coming from - Varanasi, after watching the eclipse from a boat on the ganges! not a pilgrimage - not that religious - but you know india - lakhs of people bathing & chanting on the ghats - i'm afraid i took it all too literally without understanding what you're actually trying to say & what you've left unsaid in this remarkable poem - i'm really sorry.