Kept (53/101; new title)
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Kept (53/101*)
I came home
to get away from the night.
I am thin, white and furry
like a neglected pot of yoghurt.
You keep me surrounded by tears
condensed on the inner fridge walls,
where nothing goes off
except the food and the light.
I don't know what love is,
I came for your advice.
(Previous title: Sweet Young Thing Ain't Fresh No More)
________________
*See '1/101': viewtopic.php?f=20&t=8708
[This felt like an outpouring of emotion when I drafted it, but now it looks like another confusing flight of fancy.]
I came home
to get away from the night.
I am thin, white and furry
like a neglected pot of yoghurt.
You keep me surrounded by tears
condensed on the inner fridge walls,
where nothing goes off
except the food and the light.
I don't know what love is,
I came for your advice.
(Previous title: Sweet Young Thing Ain't Fresh No More)
________________
*See '1/101': viewtopic.php?f=20&t=8708
[This felt like an outpouring of emotion when I drafted it, but now it looks like another confusing flight of fancy.]
Last edited by thoke on Tue Aug 18, 2009 4:06 pm, edited 5 times in total.
It's neat and tidy. In a few letters you express 'these' moods...nice work, Sir.
I 'need to research your work' to form a more (honest opinion) without that, i am
lost in a desert.
Really liked this, Thoke. Nice.
l
I 'need to research your work' to form a more (honest opinion) without that, i am
lost in a desert.
Really liked this, Thoke. Nice.
l
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Like the poem and like i even more with the Mudhoney title.
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.
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With the title, it feels like a description of some young girl, but young girl doesn't have fur, unless of course, if she doesn't like shaving her legs. I like the description of "neglected pot of yoghurt;" I'm not so sure if it's a misspell or a combination of the words, yogurt and hurt, together. But I like the suggestive nature of the makeup word. Up till the last stanza it still feels like a riddle. Then the last two line turns everything upside down, with a question to the reader. This is when I feel like it's about a stray cat. Do I get two purrs for this?
Words love me long time.
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Thoke,
I liked the title but it didn't really match the poem.
I liked the poem and really like the line about the yoghurt, I thought it was clever and it made me smile. Nice.
Also like the inner walls.
My nit is that I wanted more. A few lines after your last, maybe a visual or a smell? a sound? ?
Suzanne
I liked the title but it didn't really match the poem.
I liked the poem and really like the line about the yoghurt, I thought it was clever and it made me smile. Nice.
Also like the inner walls.
My nit is that I wanted more. A few lines after your last, maybe a visual or a smell? a sound? ?
Suzanne
great title & nice write
wonder if this line is really necessary:
You keep me surrounded by tears
tears have a kind of fresh appeal - you could come straight to the condensed part.
& the last two lines - slight juggle of words:
I know not what love is
I seek advice
wonder if this line is really necessary:
You keep me surrounded by tears
tears have a kind of fresh appeal - you could come straight to the condensed part.
& the last two lines - slight juggle of words:
I know not what love is
I seek advice
Very nice, Ben.
"I am thin, white and furry / like a neglected pot of yoghurt" teeters on the brink of tipping over into self-pity, but because it's funny (it's very funny), it doesn't actually go over.
What is Mudhoney? (Sometimes I feel like a high court judge. Actually, that would be a good title for a poem.)
Cheers
David
"I am thin, white and furry / like a neglected pot of yoghurt" teeters on the brink of tipping over into self-pity, but because it's funny (it's very funny), it doesn't actually go over.
What is Mudhoney? (Sometimes I feel like a high court judge. Actually, that would be a good title for a poem.)
Cheers
David
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Thanks, David.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjhLT-Pb ... re=related[/youtube]
Ben
A band from the 80s/90s Seattle grunge scene. I haven't really heard much by them, but they have a wonderful name, and their song Sweet Young Thing Ain't Sweet No More affects me in the same way as the Stooges:David wrote:What is Mudhoney?
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjhLT-Pb ... re=related[/youtube]
Ben
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Maybe I'm missing something only younger people see? sort of liked your poem sad feel to it but haven't got a clue what your talking about, confused " nothing goes of only food and the light" in a fridge? That's all there is in a fridge !
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I was trying to give "goes off" three meanings: the light in the fridge literally goes off; the food eventually goes off; and at home nothing "goes off" in the sense that nothing much happens, it's a boring place.
But maybe that's all too complicated.
Ben
But maybe that's all too complicated.
Ben
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AHHHH Now i see," But nothing goes off boring," maybe in your house, all houses are different. Theres always something "going off," in my house, not boring. mmmm
Maybe thats why i didn't get it ? but enjoyed the read made me smile x
Maybe thats why i didn't get it ? but enjoyed the read made me smile x