Why do you mock me, you of infinite power?
Before whom kingdoms bow and nations cower
Am I too much of an insignificant bother?
You ignored me in life why should I beseech you in my final hour?
Answer me not, spare not even a gaze
For my existence is a flicker such are mortal days
The complexity of your mind is an intertwined maze
Into which the stars themselves must dissolve and faze
In remembrance of your name is devised this worldly scheme
Pleasures are forbidden for they are the seeds of sin
I walk on bending in wind, strengthened from within
For seated on celestial throne is a mannequin
Mannequin
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Bombadil
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I got to line 3 in stanza one and nearly shat myself. I thought you were going to break rhyme...damn.
Reversing language, ex. "Answer me not," would be better placed as "Don't answer me." No one actually talks like that, unless they're blitzed on absinthe--and that's a separate issue entirely.
Write the next one without rhyming anything and phrased in a way that an every day unstoned person would.
Cheers,
Bombadil
Reversing language, ex. "Answer me not," would be better placed as "Don't answer me." No one actually talks like that, unless they're blitzed on absinthe--and that's a separate issue entirely.
Write the next one without rhyming anything and phrased in a way that an every day unstoned person would.
Cheers,
Bombadil
um.. thanks for the reply but uh.. do you ever try to decipher the meaning behind the poem or do you just always comment on rhyming or non rhyming words?
did you get the premise of the poem?
However i will take your advise and make my next poem with out rhyming words and try to appease the 'unstoned' person or whatever sly remark you intended.
Please do not take these comments personal and become bias in your future judgements of my posts.
after all this is an open forum.
did you get the premise of the poem?
However i will take your advise and make my next poem with out rhyming words and try to appease the 'unstoned' person or whatever sly remark you intended.
Please do not take these comments personal and become bias in your future judgements of my posts.
after all this is an open forum.
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Bombadil
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I'm sorry. I thought you were here to learn and hone craft. Let me explain something. I am commenting on the rhymes in your poems because they are forced and contrived and drag the general tone of your poem down. There's nothing wrong with rhyming if it's done right. There's the key. You haven't yet. I suggest that everyone start out by not rhyming until sufficient control of the language is developed--then come back to it. It's hard to pull off. Oh and if I offend you, oops. But don't be too sensitive. You came here, presumably, for critique, criticism and the occasional perturbance that comes from someone insulting/tearing apart your art. Don't post here if you can't handle someone else dissecting it.
Ah, and as to the meaning of your poem...you don't want me to, yet. Let's start with this, I'm less likely to run you off.
Cheers.
Ah, and as to the meaning of your poem...you don't want me to, yet. Let's start with this, I'm less likely to run you off.
Cheers.
Last edited by Bombadil on Tue Oct 18, 2005 7:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Hello Skript,
Bombadil's like that with everyone. In fact, we all are, or try to be. And he won't take offense if you call him an ass. He's been called worse by friends. No worries.
For what it's worth, in the future, be careful trying to critique the critiquer. That's usually what gets people more mad than anything else.
I confess that I usually chicken out and just comment on the mechanics of a poem, not try to get into interpreting because I'm never right. There's always something I leave out - I don't think I think 'poetically.'
This one's fairly straightforward, however, after the first line:
"Oh why do you mock me so he of infinite power?"
How do you make sense of this line? I don't see how it is grammatically correct. Maybe - "Why do you mock me, you of infinite power?" - have I understood you correctly?
In short, throughout the rest of the poem you're angry at God/god/nothingness. That's of course the "twist" at the end - God's a mannequin. I say this with a foul taste in my mouth, because it seems so...done before.
Poems work on many levels, I think. Your use of form and language doesn't really contribute anything here, which is what Bombadil was saying.
Does this make sense?
- Caleb
Bombadil's like that with everyone. In fact, we all are, or try to be. And he won't take offense if you call him an ass. He's been called worse by friends. No worries.
For what it's worth, in the future, be careful trying to critique the critiquer. That's usually what gets people more mad than anything else.
I confess that I usually chicken out and just comment on the mechanics of a poem, not try to get into interpreting because I'm never right. There's always something I leave out - I don't think I think 'poetically.'
This one's fairly straightforward, however, after the first line:
"Oh why do you mock me so he of infinite power?"
How do you make sense of this line? I don't see how it is grammatically correct. Maybe - "Why do you mock me, you of infinite power?" - have I understood you correctly?
In short, throughout the rest of the poem you're angry at God/god/nothingness. That's of course the "twist" at the end - God's a mannequin. I say this with a foul taste in my mouth, because it seems so...done before.
Poems work on many levels, I think. Your use of form and language doesn't really contribute anything here, which is what Bombadil was saying.
Does this make sense?
- Caleb
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camus
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"I had no idea I was so unilaterally feared."
Virtually, in reality "I'd shove your banjo up your arse and turn you into a popsicle."
10 points for anyone who knows from where that phrase was derived.
Clue - a film.
Virtually, in reality "I'd shove your banjo up your arse and turn you into a popsicle."
10 points for anyone who knows from where that phrase was derived.
Clue - a film.
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk