Leighton moss

[Susan-Morris3]

Big fat clouds barge overhead,
full of storm, thick with dread,
where boisterous wind's bend and clasp,
shivering reeds and course marsh grass,
over my shoulder lie rolling hills,
imposing valley's crag's and fell's,
just a whisper away from dusk,
i arrived at Leighton Moss,
alone grazing in soft evening haze,
red stag with his handsome face,
black headed gulls are in there nest,
grey lag geese, come home to rest,
rain dances to a northern tune,
in this wetland solitude,
amongst tall reeds, in circle clump,
I saw elusive butter bump,
in mizzle weather's misty gloom,
is where i herd the bitten boom.

[k-j]

Hi there. I like this poem, it sticks to simple things but describes them well. The beginning is really strong - "big fat clouds barge" - no messing around! I like "thick with dread" and "boisterous winds bend and clasp" is a great bit of description.

I'm not sure about "rolling hills, / imposing valleys, crags and fells" - I feel like hills are always being called rolling and crags imposing. Could you think of a more original way to describe these things? Let your imagination off the leash.

I think the line "I arrived at Leighton Moss" works brilliantly after that intro. Reading it I feel this line is bringing me with you. It's at just the right place in the poem.

I also like the use of half-rhyme in this poem. "Dusk" goes really well with "Moss", and "haze" with "face" - just two examples. This is more interesting for me than full rhyme would have been.

Maybe you could work more on the "clump" / "bump" lines. I'm a bit lost by "in circle clump". Do you mean in a circular clump of tall reeds? The wording here is a bit strange. I can't figure out what "butter bump" is either; is this some kind of bird? I like "mizzle weather's misty gloom".

You might want to think about using the odd full stop instead of just commas. Maybe it would make sense at the end of line four? A poem doesn't have to be all one sentence.

Just a couple of spelling-y things: no apostrophe needed on plurals (i.e. you want winds, valleys, crags and fells, not wind's, valley's etc). And the gulls should be in their nest, not there. And it should be "heard" not "herd" in the last line.

Anyway I enjoyed this poem. Leighton Moss sounds like a marvellous place. Welcome to the Poets' Graves forum.

[Susan-Morris3]

Well thank you for your very exciting comments. Just the sort of thing I wanted, the truth is a good thing especially for me. I love writing and really yearn to improve, if no one tells me whats wrong how can i ? So thank you very much, now you pointed out my mistakes I see them clearly, how strange I couldn't before.
Butter bump is an old word for bittern bird, king Henry ? i think it was, used to eat them they where popular banquet food of the day and called butter bump because of the huge roll of fat on the breast ,or so the story goes, Although I think if a poem has to be explained I feel I haven't written it properly so will take on board your comments, I am over the moon you took the time to help and yes my spelling has alot to be desired but I am improving with that every day.

[k-j]

Well that's interesting about the butter bump - funny name! Maybe just say "the elusive butter bump", then it will be clearer that you saw a bird and not, erm... a knob of butter. I'd definitely keep it because it's a curiosity and it adds a dose of humour to the piece.

[Mic]

Hello Susan,

What a good first post! Great sense of atmosphere. Your first line lands me straight in the poem. While end rhymes can sometimes feel as though they are dictating content, you avoid that pitfall. The first four lines are especially good: their repeated 'b' sounds and the rhymes of 'clasp', 'marsh' and 'grass' barrel and buffet the reader along in a blustery way. Very good.

I had a fiddle with punctuation. Hope you don't mind.

Big fat clouds barge overhead (-- removed comma, the line break is enough)
full of storm, thick with dread (-- removed comma)
where boisterous winds bend and clasp (-- removed apostrophe)
shivering reeds and course marsh grass. ( -- full stop)
Over my shoulder lie rolling hills (... removed comma)
imposing valleys, crags and fells;
just a whisper away from dusk,
I arrive at Leighton Moss. (-- present tense instead? since what precedes is)
Grazing alone in soft evening haze, (-- I switched first two words)
a red stag with his handsome face,
black headed gulls are in their nest,
grey lag geese come home to rest. (-- removed comma, added full stop)
Rain dances to a northern tune
in this wetland solitude,
amongst tall reeds, in circle clump,
I see elusive butter bump. (-- full stop)
In mizzle weather's misty gloom (-- love this!)
is where I hear the bitten boom. (-- like how the b sounds again here circle me back to the opening sounds)

Mic

[arunansu]

I wont go into the technical aspects of this very fine piece since you've got loads of it. I just want to add I loved the write, the rhymes(and half rhymes), and your unique word choices. Thanks for the 'butter bump'. Learned something new. Smiles.

[Susan-Morris3]

Well thank you very much for your helpful comments, think your right needs a bit of tweaking. Like the word change round, looks much better ta for that will keep it .Also the full stop changes my poem gives it more of an impact so thank you. Will change the line about the butter bump don't like the thought people may think I'm talking about a ball of butter ? ummmmm a thought for a poem there came to mind then.....sun shone like a ball of butter, melting on this ice cream day!..sorry bout that distracted easily .

[David]

You have a great northern voice, Susan. I really enjoyed this, and making the acquaintance of the butter bump.

Cheers

David

[Elphin]

I liked this Susan

I enjoy work with a real sense of place and this has - good advice from the others.

elph