Scratch
She woke with an odd desire to twitch
and bob her head, like she had a kink in her neck,
images of small insects mixed with seeds and gravel
had invaded her dreams and given her
a strange, but familiar, sensation in her stomach.
Trying to find her way back to sleep,
she snuggled into her down blanket
and found herself comfortably engrossed
in thoughts of multicolored tail feathers,
long and regally flowing around
the orange legs of a handsome cock....
And she wondered, he had been right?
Was she a chicken after all?
. . .
Edit
Removed morning from first line as it was a typo.
.
Scratch
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Love the twist of this poem, made me laugh very good. not sure about "She morning woke." That line didn't seem to flow so smooth my opinion only. loved the rest.x ![Wink :wink:](./images/smilies/icon_wink.gif)
![Wink :wink:](./images/smilies/icon_wink.gif)
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really liked this susan , cluck cluck.
Suzanne
I like your approach here in respect of using a familiar saying and going at it in a way that feels fresh and tonally endearing.
The internal rhyming vowell sounds are subtle while drawing the reader along. The use of down in its context is also subtle and is
a well used device that allows the reader to construct the relevance without it simply being slapped on the page in front of them.
Should you feel inclined to make further adjustment to this piece, it might be worth engaging additional senses beyond the visual
and what is felt that you have thus far based the poem around.
It's not a bad idea to keep the original on the thread either lol
It allows us folks who missed the edit due to previous engagements grasp the evolution of the piece
A fun read
Danté
I like your approach here in respect of using a familiar saying and going at it in a way that feels fresh and tonally endearing.
The internal rhyming vowell sounds are subtle while drawing the reader along. The use of down in its context is also subtle and is
a well used device that allows the reader to construct the relevance without it simply being slapped on the page in front of them.
Should you feel inclined to make further adjustment to this piece, it might be worth engaging additional senses beyond the visual
and what is felt that you have thus far based the poem around.
It's not a bad idea to keep the original on the thread either lol
![Wink :wink:](./images/smilies/icon_wink.gif)
It allows us folks who missed the edit due to previous engagements grasp the evolution of the piece
![Question :?:](./images/smilies/icon_question.gif)
A fun read
Danté
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch
Oh, loved it, Suzanne. The last line is a gem.
You create so nice visuals in S1 and S2.
Thanks.
![Laughing :lol:](./images/smilies/icon_lol.gif)
You create so nice visuals in S1 and S2.
Thanks.
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Susan and Peter,
Thank you for the replies. I always enjoy it when I have tickled a funny bone. Thank you for mentioning my extra morning in the first line. I get too hasty sometimes.
Danté, Your crits are always so helpful and encouraging. I love that you can read my words and then give some real tips on how to make it richer. I am thrilled that you mention the sounds as I am rarely ever thinking of the sonics so feel happy when it is pointed out to me. My subconsious must be doing the work, I can take no credit for being that clever. I will consider adding some sensual depth to this. Thank you.
Lovely and Aru, Thanks and I am pleased if this poem is in the voice you recognize and you like it! Smile.
Warmly,
Suzanne
Thank you for the replies. I always enjoy it when I have tickled a funny bone. Thank you for mentioning my extra morning in the first line. I get too hasty sometimes.
Danté, Your crits are always so helpful and encouraging. I love that you can read my words and then give some real tips on how to make it richer. I am thrilled that you mention the sounds as I am rarely ever thinking of the sonics so feel happy when it is pointed out to me. My subconsious must be doing the work, I can take no credit for being that clever. I will consider adding some sensual depth to this. Thank you.
Lovely and Aru, Thanks and I am pleased if this poem is in the voice you recognize and you like it! Smile.
Warmly,
Suzanne