Life

[mummybear7]

Oh life please be kind to my daughter,
she is so true, beautiful and clever.

Oh life please be generous to my son,
he is so funny, charming and bright.

Oh life please be gently to my mother,
she is nearing the end of her road now

and life please be good to my darling,
without whom I would not sleep well at night.

Oh life my sister is my shoulder to lean on,
but I worry she is feeling your strain

and my brother has been taken from me
to be with our dad once again.

Finally to me,
oh life please help me to cope now
for I am feeling increasingly weary.
The path that I tread seems so hard
and I need love and hope to help steer me.

[Danté]

This kind of says what it says, it´s quite a personal piece in which you have articulated your thoughts pretty well.
It might be a bit overloaded with sugar for some tastes in a general sense, but the choice of sentement and where it´s
directed is an author´s domain and is simply their approach and something to be respected.
I personally have a preference for more imaginitive terminology and allowing a little more space for a reader to
glean sentement from an image as opposed to concrete statement.
You have been ecconomical with your wording and the structure is neat enough. It´s not an easy piece to offer much
else in respect of, I´m wondering how you handle other subjects.

thanks

Danté

[mummybear7]

Thank you very much for your honest response - I am just starting out with poetry, and as it probably shows this was a very personal start for me.

I am willing to listen and learn to see if there is any real poetry inside me that I can put down - I do hope there is.

Thanks.

[arunansu]

Its a good write, but I am not sure whether you need the last two lines. That may be only me, though. And me being also a beginner, you may freely ignore my two cents.

Enjoyed.

[Lovely]

I agree with the above about the last two lines.

You have loads of inner feeling and l loved the energy and passion.

I'm looking very much to reading more of your Soul and person.

xx

[Susan-Morris3]

Yes nicely written with true feeling, enjoyed your thoughts x

[Lovely]

louder louder, you have a mind to say..


xx

[David]

I applaud the sentiments, and I think you have got some poetry inside you. You must read lots of the stuff, especially the good stuff. It will help yours to come out.

For instance, do you like this? http://homepages.wmich.edu/~cooneys/poe ... rayer.html

I hope you decide to persevere.

Cheers

David

[mummybear7]

Wow David -that poem is amazing, it just flows so well and the sentiments are inspiring - thank you for taking the time to point it out to me.

It helps inspire the soul.

Helen.

[WobblyVern]

I'm really not qualified to offer much technical help, but can comment on the general feel of the piece. It was genuine, and it's prayer-like presentation struck a chord. I imagine it's something most of us feel subconciously throughout our daily lives - our loved ones, how we fear for them, and hope for them.

Thanks - enjoyed it

[mummybear7]

Thanks WobblyV. I have had a traumatic year this year, but the good that has come out of it is that I have found some real deep emotions in me that seem to materialise in poetry. I am really enjoying writing these down, and will have a permanent reminder of this part of my life. Sometimes we need to feel deeply to be able to grasp an understanding of how powerful and wonderful life can be.

x

[Lovely]

Witman try, he was in fire!

love x

From (Me) Ronnie Wood, a stone in Me. Love the feel again

x

[Lovely]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKiZTHCI ... playnext=1

[tommytalltales]

Hi, I'm pretty new here but I wanted to post to say that I really enjoyed this. This sort of poetry isn't always my cup of tea but I really enjoyed your honesty. I would agree with David that the more poetry that you read, the better you will become. There really is no better way to learn than by spending time with the masters.

If you are looking for areas to work on then I would humbly suggest that you focus on the metrical qualities of what you write. At times in this piece the rhythm is uneven and this can get in the way for a reader. That said I really did enjoy reading your poem and I hope you stick at it.

Thanks

[sneaker]

Hi MB,

I can fully appreciate the sentiment of this poem, there's always strong emotions when writing about something so personal as you're children & loved ones. The line between emotion & nausea is a tricky one to tread, believe me I've fallen off it, & I think maybe this is a little too sweet for my taste. Having said that you've definitely got something, so keep at it. As every one has said read as much as you can. If I could suggest "You're" by Syliva Plath which is one of my favourites.

By the way I think they're right about the last two line, less is more.

Nice to read you, see you around,

Sneaker