i stubbed it out
theres nothing to shout about
im a larger lout
with a bad habbit i brag about
breath in my mouth and out my nose
calm down the rage that grows
but either way it shows
i'll break his fucking nose
the burberry boy struts the streets
glaring at the passers he meets
nike, adidas and humming g-unit
he has an ASBO and brags about it
he grew up in the ghetto
daddy's covered in tattoo's
mummy worked days in netto
and nights on the street oh
young offenders and life on the doll
in their own pitty they role
generation parental inspirational
they shout, swear and hit people
looking back in his council flat
wearing his old burberry hat
he remebers the fights he had
he won them, but lost them all
berberry boy
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cameron
- Site Admin
- Posts: 2162
- Joined: Thu May 27, 2004 6:45 pm
- antispam: no
- Location: Norfolk 'n' Good
Hi Sam
You're supposed to review at least 1 poem before posting 1 of your own. So far you owe 3 reviews.
If you want to be taken seriously on this forum, you need to sort out your spelling urgently. You can't expect people to spend time reviewing your poetry if you can't be bothered to present it properly.
Cam
You're supposed to review at least 1 poem before posting 1 of your own. So far you owe 3 reviews.
If you want to be taken seriously on this forum, you need to sort out your spelling urgently. You can't expect people to spend time reviewing your poetry if you can't be bothered to present it properly.
Cam
not sure about 'mummy' and 'daddy', perhaps have the former having a choice tattoo or two, perhaps location/nature of tattoo would be interesting - saw this bloke in Asda with the tattoo 'mum' and 'dad' on his knucklesdaddy's covered in tattoo's
mummy worked days in netto
mac
-
Poe's Raven
- Posts: 20
- Joined: Fri Oct 14, 2005 9:32 pm
- Location: Kent
I think he may have used the words 'Mummy' and 'Daddy' to portray how imature this person is in the poem.
And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming.
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming.
'mummy' and 'daddy' sounded twee, middle class 
a tattoo poem I just read:
http://poetry.tetto.org/read/17940/
a tattoo poem I just read:
http://poetry.tetto.org/read/17940/
Styleless kids are wack
Get mashed up in the riot
Stepping to me is like smoking crack
- You shouldn't try it -
So back to the drawing board and
Change a word or three
Getting all up on this site like you're thinking you could murder me?
The absurdity
Asbo 1 wears the pants
And little boy they are Burberry!
All said though, I really liked your poem mate, just needs a bit of work innit.
It is difficult to follow the drift of the narrator. Apparently, he has been a juvenile delinquent and was for a time an inmate of a correctional institution where he was subjected to harsh treatment. He brags about his smoking and glares at passers by. He attributes his faults to an early life in the ghetto and unsatisfactory parental affections. The creation of rhymes for rhymes? sake appears meaningless and a desperate attempt at literary pretensions. Perhaps the last line stands out as the most appropriate commentary on the whole poem ?He won them, but lost them all?.
- nairways
- nairways
nairways
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ccvulture
Seems the first 2 verses should be in quotes, then the social commentary starts. Yeah it *is* cliched but that's the point here, I think.
I rather liked it. Spelling/punct. permitting!
CCV
I rather liked it. Spelling/punct. permitting!
CCV
Stylish Kid in the Riot wrote:i stubbed it out
theres nothing to shout about
im a larger lout
with a bad habbit i brag about
breath in my mouth and out my nose
calm down the rage that grows
but either way it shows
i'll break his fucking nose
the burberry boy struts the streets
glaring at the passers he meets
nike, adidas and humming g-unit
he has an ASBO and brags about it
he grew up in the ghetto
daddy's covered in tattoo's
mummy worked days in netto
and nights on the street oh
young offenders and life on the doll
in their own pitty they role
generation parental inspirational
they shout, swear and hit people
looking back in his council flat
wearing his old burberry hat
he remebers the fights he had
he won them, but lost them all
