Be careful with that wax, Marlene

[camus]

For after all that grenadine, the smoothing
of such aged skin, should perhaps be left
til noon? Recline yourself, be undine –

I’d hate to see you burnt-bald again.
Such faux cancerous intensity was hard
to bear; the charity events and money

raised aside, the holiday in Cuba the
copious opium, did nothing for my guilt
complex ‘cept hoist it to the hilt. Still

love is love as love is lost and I quite
captured, wilt, into the throng of what is
wrong and what isn’t absolutely right.

[brianedwards]

Splendid Kris. What a delight to read aloud. I won't claim to have a handle on the whole, but oh I do appreciate the sounds and suggestiveness.

2 tiny nits:
"undine" --- well, if you must, but it holds me up.
Also, do you need the caps at start of each stanza? Not a huge problem for me, but wondering about your rationale.

So, who's Marlene? Title had me thinking of Boycie's wife, but the opium scuppers that thinking. Dumas perhaps?
Or Dietrich? A love letter from Hemingway maybe?

I do love the way this leads my mind to interesting places.

B.

~

[camus]

Thanks B

"undine" was beatiful, the only really heartfelt pondered word in the whole poem, and you dissed it! Sheeet.

Dumas perhaps? Or Dietrich? A love letter from Hemingway maybe?

Close!

Syd Barrett, Kevin Coyne and an old woman at the end of the road.

cheers
Kris

PS I'll certainly crit one of yours when it's crap enough!

[brianedwards]

Thanks B

"undine" was beatiful, the only really heartfelt pondered word in the whole poem, and you dissed it! Sheeet.

No, no, not dissing. Just gave me pause. Gimme a few more reads, it might grow on me.

(though heartfelt and pondered could be the problem. If there is one. But there isn't. OK, stop.)

[camus]

Also, do you need the caps at start of each stanza?

Well, some ended with stops, and so the others looked out of place? It looks all top heavy now! Maybe needs reorganising.

Be aware your input is much appreciated here. You're a quality poet, who adds a certain dimension to the place. That said you can be a bit of an arsey twat! I particularly enjoy your...sighs...This place is what is, it will thrive then die, much like a fly with a limited amount of time. Frustrating - YES, but stay around.

cheers
Kris

[camus]

though heartfelt and pondered could be the problem

Ha ha, yes it could indeed! I agree.

[OwenEdwards]

Little, silly, pretty, poignant. Huzzah for Kris! =)

[brianedwards]

Be aware your input is much appreciated here. You're a quality poet, who adds a certain dimension to the place. That said you can be a bit of an arsey twat!

*sigh*

[oranggunung]

Hi Kris

Psychedelic sonics. Dear old Syd would be proud.

Wouldn’t dream of dissing “undine”, but having some trouble determining its meaning.

Hadn’t encountered Kevin Coyne before – horizons continue to expand!


og

[brianedwards]

Cool, cool.

[oranggunung]

Thanks, Brian.

[dillingworth]

careful with that axe, eugene...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3R2PgMiTvw

[thoke]

Cool title & interesting poem. Lines 4 and 5 are good, but things really get going in the second half. I love "copious opium", and the last stanza is great.

Ben