Treacles of twilight coat his frigid jowls,
which I mirror with a half-smile. Tirelessly
he watches from his crag in the cosmos.
He knows what it is to orbit alone.
To see one's stars pecked out one-by-one.
To be slathered by a life so vital
(that he forgets himself and runs for the hills).
To occupy darkness's infinite shades,
stalking truths that only dawn when he dies.
ENDS
Hello all. Will be back to do my crits, I promise. Cheers, Stephen.
Lunacy
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Suzanne
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- Location: Land of the Midnight Sun
Oh! Stephen!
Good to see you.
This poem is a great way to jump back in. I like the title, find it clever.
The slathering of life so vital was my favorite phrase.
Very uncomfortable place to be... the moon you have decribed.
Recently, I have been pondering the Moon as well, it must be the time of year.
Welcome back,
Suzanne
Good to see you.
This poem is a great way to jump back in. I like the title, find it clever.
The slathering of life so vital was my favorite phrase.
Very uncomfortable place to be... the moon you have decribed.
Recently, I have been pondering the Moon as well, it must be the time of year.
Welcome back,
Suzanne
A delightful read. I specially liked the line :
"He knows what it is to orbit alone."
Unfortunately, I stumbled on the first line itself.
"Treacles of twilight coat his frigid jowls,
which I mirror with a half-smile".
I'm not getting it here, though I enjoyed the coinage "half-smile".
In all, a satisfying read for me.
"He knows what it is to orbit alone."
Unfortunately, I stumbled on the first line itself.
"Treacles of twilight coat his frigid jowls,
which I mirror with a half-smile".
I'm not getting it here, though I enjoyed the coinage "half-smile".
In all, a satisfying read for me.
Hi Stephen,
very cool write, enjoyed this a lot. Ok I'll admit it took me two read throughs before I got it! Lunacy is a great title.
"Stalking truths that only dawn when he dies"
love that...
Sneaker
very cool write, enjoyed this a lot. Ok I'll admit it took me two read throughs before I got it! Lunacy is a great title.
"Stalking truths that only dawn when he dies"
love that...
Sneaker
"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need. " M.Jagger
btw, Suzanne is right, I've just written about the moon also after a six month dry spell, must be something in it....
Sneaker
Sneaker
"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need. " M.Jagger
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Arian
- Perspicacious Poster
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- Location: Hertfordshire, UK
Nice idea, and yes – I liked the orbit alone line, too. Strong. I liked a crag in the cosmos, too. Other images left me a bit stumped, I’m afraid (treacles of twilight..., stars pecked out...) and the bracketed line disconcerted me (why brackets?). “Darkness’s” sounded just a fraction clumsy to me.
Like David, I did a bit of a double-take on slathered, but the Big G tells me it’s a real word, so thanks for educating me on that one. Not (with my new knowledge) 100% clear on how something can be slathered by a life, though.
Still, just personal view - made me think a bit, so thanks for the post.
peter
Like David, I did a bit of a double-take on slathered, but the Big G tells me it’s a real word, so thanks for educating me on that one. Not (with my new knowledge) 100% clear on how something can be slathered by a life, though.
Still, just personal view - made me think a bit, so thanks for the post.
peter
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WobblyVern
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Can't add much to the above, apart from blimey...clever - really clever. I will look up and give him a wink from my own little crag. Thanks.
Cheers for the feedback.
Suzanne/Sneaker - I'll thank my Mum for the title: she suggested it after I told her I'd written something and wanted to get 'lunar-something' in it somewhere. Thanks for commenting.
Cheers, Aru - the beginning was the bit I thought most about and I think that's why you picked up on it as you did - maybe too much thought went into it and it was a bit wordy!
David/Arian regarding 'slathered': it's one of those words I know, without really knowing why and, to be honest, without really knowing its exact meaning. I think contextually it works, but maybe it should be 'slathered with' rather than 'slathered in'. I thought of it in the context of being slathered with gifts and thought that idea kind of worked here.
Lovely - cheers for the Cheech video! Did you find it incomprehensible or did it read like the ramblings of someone lost in themselves?! Or a bit of both?...haha. Thanks, either way.
Arian - cheers for the feedback. I liked the crag also. I put the brackets in because the sentence felt like an aside, an explanation. I've seen brackets used in some of the poetry I've liked; would be interested to know if you're not a fan generally or just find their use dodgy in this instance? I quite liked the stars pecked out bit, as I thought it was allegorical, but take your point about 'Darkness's'.
Thanks Wobbly - amazing thing, the moon.
Suzanne/Sneaker - I'll thank my Mum for the title: she suggested it after I told her I'd written something and wanted to get 'lunar-something' in it somewhere. Thanks for commenting.
Cheers, Aru - the beginning was the bit I thought most about and I think that's why you picked up on it as you did - maybe too much thought went into it and it was a bit wordy!
David/Arian regarding 'slathered': it's one of those words I know, without really knowing why and, to be honest, without really knowing its exact meaning. I think contextually it works, but maybe it should be 'slathered with' rather than 'slathered in'. I thought of it in the context of being slathered with gifts and thought that idea kind of worked here.
Lovely - cheers for the Cheech video! Did you find it incomprehensible or did it read like the ramblings of someone lost in themselves?! Or a bit of both?...haha. Thanks, either way.
Arian - cheers for the feedback. I liked the crag also. I put the brackets in because the sentence felt like an aside, an explanation. I've seen brackets used in some of the poetry I've liked; would be interested to know if you're not a fan generally or just find their use dodgy in this instance? I quite liked the stars pecked out bit, as I thought it was allegorical, but take your point about 'Darkness's'.
Thanks Wobbly - amazing thing, the moon.